Super Ultra Mega Ranma One Half Crossover
by Bico
Summary: When Akane becomes ill, Ranma heads off to find a cure. In the process, he finds the Masaki shrine, where Washu agrees to help. In the process, Ranma discovers individuals from more alternate series than should be included in a single fanfic.
1. Prologue

**Director's Forward: Two friends and I first began writing this fanfiction almost exactly five years ago. After graduating high school, we unfortunately put this hilarious spoof of the trend of Ranma 1/2 fanfics on hold. Of course, then I went through a few computers and the files were sequestered away until very recently. Because I found them again and realized how awesomely hilarious it was, I decided I would repost it here and continue it. Enjoy.**

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and Houston Fryer

Disclaimer: All characters, ideas, and storylines are property of their respective owners. We assume ownership of only this fanfiction in itself, and not any of the included characters, as these characters are not created by us, but rather by the creators of each character. They created the characters in this crossover, not us. And the ideas. They created a lot of the ideas in this fanfiction. well, maybe not all of them. We created some of them, perhaps a few of the romance match-ups, but nothing else. We are not responsible for the character or ideas contained within the fanfiction that we wrote and that you are reading right now. Nor are we responsible for any of the characters in any other fanfiction, if you think we implied otherwise by that last sentence. So says MO---JO-Jojo!

For information on any Japanese words or phrases, checkout .

Prologue:

"Baka! Why won't you fight me?"

The dojo walls shook as Akane Tendo, heir to the Tendo school of Anything Goes Martial Arts, kicked twice at her fiancée Ranma's apparently unguarded head, only to see him jump out of the way, nonchalantly.

Ranma rolled his eyes as he contorted his body in ways that it probably shouldn't have been contorted, so he could dodge her next attack. "Well, you know I can't hit girls, Akane." _Especially you... not after what almost happened._

"What do you mean, you can't hit girls? What about Shampoo? You're married by Joketsuzoku law now because of that!" Akane protested. "Shimatta! And after I saved you _twice_ from Saffron's flames..." she growled angrily and lashed out at her fiancé.

"Whoa, Akane!" Ranma laughed. "Don't get so worked up or you'll give yourself a herni...ah?"

Suddenly, Akane became somewhat lethargic, and her movements became slow(er than usual, Ranma thought).

"What's the matter, Akane? What's wrong?

"Sh-shut up and fight m-me b-ba...ka..." choked Akane as she fell on her now pale face.

"Akane? _Akane~e_!" Ranma darted to her side.

Suddenly, Soun burst through the door.

"Otacon! I mean, Ranma! I heard you yell. What is... Akane! What did you do to her?" The waterworks began as he glared menacingly at Ranma.

"Now's not the time! She needs help!" Ranma stood up, cradling Akane in his arms. "Call Tofu-sensei!"

- - -

"Well, there doesn't appear to be anything physically wrong with her." Dr. Ono Tofu began, kneeling over Akane as she lay in her bed. Ranma, Soun, Genma, and the other Tendo girls stood over him in the somewhat crowded room.

"However, her ki is exceptionally weakened, and it's getting worse. I've applied a treatment that will slow the process, but... she's dying. There's nothing I can do."

"NOOOO! My little Akane!" Soun once again flooded the room.

"Oh..." Kasumi and Nabiki stood mostly in silence.

"How sad. It can't be helped, though... but there are still the other two girls..." Genma began, only to be silenced by piercing glares from the Tendo family. However, their glares were only met by a large panda lying on its back, playing with a beach ball, and holding up a sign saying, "I'm just a cute panda."

"No... NO! There's gotta be some way! I don't care what you say! I saved her once, I can do it again!" Ranma yelled as he turned and ran from the room.

"Ranma!" Genma shouted after his son as Ranma departed from the Tendo household and ran down the street.

- - -

It had been two days since Ranma left the dojo. He sat on a bench in eastern Tokyo, piecing through several newspapers for something, anything that could show him how to help Akane. Then, a small brochure slipped out and landed in his lap. He looked down at it with melancholy eyes, to see a large tree, surrounded by a pond with a path of stones leading to it.

Ranma's eyes lit up. He snatched the brochure and jumped high into the air, screaming "_That's it_!" He then ran down the road laughing maniacally, causing some on the nearby sidewalk to whisper something about belonging in a madhouse.

"Sweeto! Wotta haul!" A short, perverted gnome of a martial artist declared triumphantly as he bounced across Nerima's rooftops. Fortunately for the women of the world, Ranma's hectic path crossed with Happosai's... his face, in particular. The resulting melee involving the old fart and roughly thirty seven enraged women caused him to be punted into the position commonly referred to as LEO, or Low Earth Orbit.

Several minutes after landing in what had appeared to be an ordinary library, Happosai didn't find himself too concerned with why he was suddenly located in what appeared to be China, or why there were seven powerful warriors gathered in one place. He was more concerned with getting under that hot miko's kimono.

- - -

The next day, Ranma arrived at his destination. He bolted up the steps, bounding over a young, blonde, clueless looking woman along the way. He got to the top to be greeted by a young man with a broom.

"Welcome to the-" The man began, only to be interrupted by Ranma.

"Where's the tree?" He almost shouted, out of breath from sprinting all the way there from Tokyo.

"Um, well, there are plenty of trees around. Do you want one in particular?" The young man asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

Ranma looked at the guy with an exasperated stare, then shoved the wrinkled brochure he had been carrying with him in his face.

"Huh? Oh, that tree. Yeah, it's this way." The young man regained his composure and motioned for him to follow. Ranma jogged in place behind him, muttering several unmentionable remarks about his guide's leisurely pace.

Finally, they arrived at the imposing tree. Ranma shoved past the young man and ran up to the tree, arms outstretched.

"Oh mighty tree! I command you now! Come forth and make my wish come true!" He demanded of the tree. They both stood there for a minute, Ranma still in his dramatic pose.

"Erm, maybe you were misinformed?" The young man stared at this strange person that he had led onto his property. He made a mental note to call the local asylum later on.

"What? But the brochure... it was supposed to... what's wrong with..." He turned to the young man. "What's going on? This brochure said that this tree grants wishes!"

"Er, well, the thing is..."

- - -

Ranma sat on the couch in the young man's house. He wasn't listening to the young man's explanation of what happened, but rather, stewing in the implications of this incident. _This was my last chance. Akane's last chance..._

"So, you see, the tourism industry likes to take advantage of anything they can get their hands on." He finished.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." The pigtailed martial artist intoned glumly. He did, too. The Nerima Tourism Association had been quick to incorporate the strange happenings in their district's vicinity, "Come see the incredible gender-swapping martial artists, beautiful nymphomaniac Amazons, and mysterious sign-wielding pandas!" into their campaigns.

"By the way, I never did introduce myself. I'm Masaki Tenchi."

"Saotome Ranma desu. Hajimemashite." The young man sighed and looked in the direction of the tree with a wistful look on his face.

"Nice to meet you. So what did you need our 'wishing tree' for?" Tenchi asked, quickly realizing his mistake.

Ranma scowled perturbedly. "Well, it's my fiancée. She's really sick, and... well, modern medicine can't cure her."

"Ahahahahahaha!" A piercing chortle emanated from behind the two boys. "Modern 'Earthling' medicine may not be able to, but it should be child's play for the Greatest Scientific Genius in the Universe!"

"Wa-Washu chan!" Tenchi cried. "I-I don't know if you should..."

"Chotto!" Ranma exclaimed as he grasped the diminutive, pink-haired scientist's hands in his own. "Do you mean to tell me that you...?"

"That's right." An elderly man in the robes of a priest confirmed. "We are aliens."

Ranma stared at the old man with uncertainty. "Um... actually, I was just gonna say ask if she was one o' those... y'know, metapsycho healers, or somethin'."

"'Meta_psycho_' is right." Tenchi muttered under his breath.

"You know, Tenchi sama," Washu said. "With my new Backbitron 2000, I can see right through your breaths..."

"Hmm." The old man commented as he shrugged. "I guess it was--how do you young people say it?--my bad."

Tenchi and Ranma were floored.

"Anyway, why don't we pay a visit to this fiancée of yours and we can help her out, no?" Washu chimed in.

Ranma again took her hands. "You mean you'll come with me? I don't know what to say!"

"Say 'Oh, thank you, thank you, Washu chan! You are the greatest and most benevolent genius in all the universe!'. That wouldn't be too bad, for starters."

"Er, sure, maybe later? We really have to go." Ranma said, pulling her towards the door.

"Now, now, there are better ways to travel." Washu exclaimed as she began to type in the air. Ranma stared with wide eyes as a flash of light emanated from the kitchen door. As it faded, a purple rectangle of light became visible.

"There now. I have transformed the kitchen door into a portal to another dimension, from which we shall go to your place." She said. A small puppet, similar to her, appeared on her shoulder and praised her as Ranma stared in disbelief.

_Oh well, weirder things have happened,_ he thought to himself as he followed her through the shining portal, accompanied by the old man. He heard a ditzy-sounding voice behind him as the portal closed.

"Oh, wow, I'm hungry. I hope Sasami won't mind if I fix myself a sna-aaa_aaack_!"

"Did someone mention my name?" As Sasami walked into the kitchen, she noticed that the door had somehow materialized around her, trapping her in the doorway.

"Ohh, would someone please help me out of here? I mean I was just about to get a snack and I'm really hungry and this happened and I just don't know what to do!" Mihoshi said, tears streaming down her cheeks.

- - -

"Now, Ranma, was it? Where do you live?" Washu said, boggling Ranma's mind again by typing on air.

"Um, uh, the Tendo Dojo in the Nerima district." He finally spat it out. He was still reeling from his current position, being in the middle of a huge scientific facility. He gazed around at all the machines and lab equipment.

"Oh, and don't touch anything." Washu said, causing Ranma to quickly withdraw his hand from the Continuum Transfunctioner.

"Here we go, the Tendo Dojo. Please keep your hands and feet inside the destabilization matrix."

"What do you mea-AAAIIIEEE!" Ranma screamed like his repressed female half as a strange bubble-like form enveloped the three and carried them to the left for about ten feet, then disappeared, leaving them in the living room of the Tendo household.

Kasumi, who was sitting on the couch at the time, stared at them, quickly got up, smiled her Kasumi-smile, and said in a sweet voice, "Ranma, you didn't tell me you were bringing guests! I'll get some tea." She then hurried off into the kitchen.

to be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________

Yes, I think it shall go well. This won't be just any old crossover, oh NO! It's the SUPER ULTRA MEGA RANMA !? CROSSOVER. Please excuse any and all pointless punctuation. A crossover between Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, Yuu Yuu Hakusho, Dragonball Z, Inuyasha, Rurouni Kenshin, Akira, Lupin the 3rd, Trigun, FLCL, and some others, maybe (definitely). E-mail for comments.


	2. Chapter 1

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and Houston Fryer

Disclaimer: All characters, ideas, and storylines are property of their respective owners. We assume ownership of only this fanfiction in itself, and not any of the included characters, as these characters are not created by us, but rather by the creators of each character. They created the characters in this crossover, not us. And the ideas. They created a lot of the ideas in this fanfiction. Well, maybe not all of them. We created some of them, perhaps a few of the romance match-ups, but nothing else. We are not responsible for the character or ideas contained within the fanfiction that we wrote and that you are reading right now. Nor are we responsible for any of the characters in any other fanfiction, if you think we implied otherwise by that last sentence. So says MO---JO-Jojo!

For information on any Japanese words or phrases, checkout .

Chapter 1:

The Tendos and the Saotomes were thronged around Akane, Soun doing a great job of watering the plants in the room, but this time Washu and Katsuhito, as the old man introduced himself earlier, looked on. Washu walked to her bedside, pushing the crowd aside.

"Hmm, how very odd. So, this is the fiancée you were talking about?" Washu asked. "She's not all that cute. How about marrying me?" She squealed, making a face at Ranma.

"Now isn't the time! Please, just help her!" said Ranma, restraining the urge to cringe.

"Only if you call me Washu-chan!" she teased. Ranma, despite the fact that his code of honor includes not hitting girls, was being very tempted. However, he capitulated.

"Fine! Washu-chan, Washu-kun, Washu-sama, I don't care! Please!"

"Calm down. I wouldn't tease you if her condition was serious. She just needs a transfusion of ki." She typed a paragraph on the air separating Ranma and her, and a wristband-like object appeared, floating beside her. She took it and attached it to Akane's arm, and in seconds, the color in her face returned.

"There. Good as new. Aren't I grea-ACK!" She started, but was shoved aside by Soun as he rushed over to Akane and pulled her into his arms.

"_Akane! My dear little Akane! I'm so happy!_" Soun cried, and cry he did, drenching everyone in the room, but no one seemed to notice.

"Thank you! Thank you, ...er, Washu-chan was it?" Ranma's face brightened as he praised Washu.

"Oh, how wonderful!" Kasumi exclaimed. Nabiki was silent, but the smile spread across her face showed that she was definitely glad.

"Well, Ranma, it looks like you won't have to marry Nabiki after all!" Genma said, slapping Ranma on the back, who then knocked him into the wall across from Akane's room. Everyone, including the now awake Akane, stared nails at him, except for Washu and Katsuhito, who just rolled their eyes.

- - -

Having recovered from the moment (except for Soun, who was crying, for some reason), everyone sat around the living room, Kasumi serving tea.

"So, what was wrong with me?" Akane asked.

"You, somehow, exhausted all of the available energy in your body some time ago."

"Yeah, with Saffron! The doll's eyes closed!" Ranma said, causing Soun to break into tears at the memory.

"Sure, OK, anyway, she was subconsciously forced to use an abeyant ability to sustain your normal lifestyle. A certain kind of ability, in fact. Got something you want to share, Yoho?" She added, glancing over at Katsuhito. He looked at her, sighed, and stood up. Walking across the room, he grabbed the still crying Soun by the shoulders, looked into his eyes, and began:

"It's good to see that you've grown into a strong, handsome, and MATURE man, son."

"NANI?!?!" The whole room shouted in unison. Katsuhito turned and spoke to the room.

"Yes, this is Kimono's younger brother. When he was just a baby, Kiyone grew jealous of the attention we gave him. She took him to an adoption agency, which was able to find a family for him the next day. She confessed to it the next day, but we couldn't get in contact with the family, because they had gone to China for some kind of 'training' excursion. So Soun here grew up with, the Tendos, was it?"

"You mean that I... And my family... but then that... father?" Soun sputtered, tears streaming down his cheek.

"That's right, son."

"I'm so happy! FATHER!" Hugging his new-found dad, Soun then proceeded to create what would later be pronounced by the Mayor of Tokyo the Tendo River.

"Well, that's all fine and dandy, but what about Akane? That doesn't explain why she was sick." Ranma stood up and exclaimed.

"I was getting to that. Katsuhito here is an alien, a Juraijin to be exact. That makes Soun and you three girls," she said, motioning to Akane, Nabiki, and Kasumi, "all members of the Juraijin race."

"_What_?" Everyone in the room fell over, save Washu and Katsuhito.

"You mean, I'm an alien?!?" Akane screamed.

"I know it's hard to accept, but at least you didn't just find out that your mother was crazy and your sister who was identical to your mother is actually the one who took care of you and is not dead but simply left because she didn't age in eighty years and that would have seemed weird," Katsuhito said.

"What?" Tenchi asked, cluelessly.

"Nothing!" Katsuhito said, smacking Tenchi with a stick until he forgot any and all spoilers.

"This might make some very profitable bets possible." Nabiki said, plotting of who to scam.

"Oh my. There's only one thing to do." Kasumi said as she got up to make some more tea.

"You think you're worse off, I gotta marry an alien! Not to mention a kawaikunee otenba alien!" Ranma yelled, only to get hit in the face by a flying kotatsu. Behold my use of Japanese in English sentences and tremble!

"It's better than getting married to a transsexual freak!" Akane proceeded to kick Ranma's prone form.

"Now, now, don't fight," Soun said, running to them as the room dodged his salty water assault. "This is a happy occasion! Akane, you have a new grandfather!"

Suddenly, a small blur sped through the room. Only Ranma, and surprisingly, Ranma thought, Katsuhito and Washu could see the speedy assailant. It hastened over to behind Washu, and with lightning fast speed, undid her blouse, only to be met by a barrage of lasers.

"I anticipated this would happen, having done a background check on all the residents, including one VERY notable police report, and prepared for it." Washu said, gesturing over to the motionless Happosai. However, he quickly jumped up and brushed off his tiny gi.

"How's everybody doing? Those girls had mighty fine busts, 'specially that Miaka!" He said, holding out a new bag of female undergarments. Ranma then put his foot down... on Happosai.

"You little hentai dwarf! I don't care about Miaka or whoever has become your latest victim, but these are houseguests! They're off limits!" He shouted, grinding his foot into the aforementioned hentai dwarf.

"Ohh, Ranma, you're so mean! All I wanted to do is greet our guest here! You're such a party-pooper!" Happosai flipped his assailant off of him, and bounced over to Akane's bed. "Akane chan! You won't disappoint me!"

"_Gramps_!" Ranma growled threateningly.

Akane screamed and held up her hands; they glowed with an ethereal light. "No, go AWAY!" With those words, the diffuse glow became a solid bubble of power which stopped the decrepit pervert in his dust-trail, delegating a hearty number of volts, around the area of a few thousand, through his body.

"Um." Ranma commented as he stared incredulously at the Happosai-shaped hole in the ceiling. "Th-that's not shaped like me..."

"Yes." Washu continued. "Like I was saying, Akane chan here has been running on the power she inherited from Jurai for weeks, so now that she's got her true life force back to keep her vital functions going, she should have a tangible amount of new power to tap." She chuckled good-humoredly. "Of course, that's just the tip of the asteroid! She ran her powers ragged by using it to keep her body going, so, after that has a chance to recover, she should be even stronger."

"Ma-masaka!" Ranma whispered to himself. "But she was able to ward off Happosai with a gesture. At full power, she might even be stronger than..." he gasped at the horrible thought. A manly man like himself couldn't have a fiancée who was stronger than he! Who would he protect?

"Perhaps." Katsuhito interrupted. "It would be wise to have Akane come to my shrine. There, she could learn to control her powers much like her cousin has."

"That sounds like a good idea. I might just go." She said, her lips curling into a smile at the same realization Ranma had.

"N-No! You can't go!" Ranma blurted.

"And why not? We're out of school, even though that baka Principal Kuno is still trying to give you and the other guys a skinhead look."

"Because... I want to marry you! Right now!" Ranma shouted, rushing into a precarious and half-hearted embrace with her. Soun flashed over to them, dampening the floor in the process.

"Do you mean it, my son-in-law?" He bellowed, causing the walls to shake.

"Um, I mean, that is to say..." Ranma stammered.

"Browr, browr!" Exclaimed Genma as he held up a sign that read, "Finally, the schools will be united!" Everyone stared at the very-much-human Genma. "Huh, oh, even I get confused sometimes..."

"Airen!" A high-pitched voice shouted as a bicycle implanted itself on Ranma's head. "For you to do this after Shampoo work so hard to make wedding blow sky-high... Shampoo mad-mad!"

"Sha-Shampoo?" Ranma choked. "Why are you talking like a toddler?"

"Is silly! We is dubbing it!" Shampoo said matter-of-factly. "Everyone knows English cannot comprehend Chinese womens who speak good language! It blow their mind."

"Oh."

"But this fanfiction, so Shampoo can speak normal-like." The Joketsuzoku reasoned. She spit out the ramen that she had had stuffed in her mouth the whole time and began to speak. "Is this better, my airen? Surely now that I am no longer forced to speak like a woman with noodles stuffed in her mouth, you will fall at my feet in worship!"

Ranma gulped. The fact that the noodles had been in the Joketsuzoku woman's mouth not a minute before was lost on the dumbfounded martial artist. "Uh... no."

"Ranchan!" Ranma looked up to find an okonomiyaki-bearing Ukyo running through the open door. "Now I know you didn't just say what I thought you did!" Ukyo said angrily as Ranma noticed the lit fuse poking out of the okonomiyaki. "Hungry?"

"Uh! No! Not at all!" At Ranma's refusal, Genma hurried over to take the free foodstuffs for himself.

"Ooohohohohohohohoooo!" Everyone dived at the sound of this, Kasumi getting the assorted array of antidotes for Kodachi's various poisons, and Soun started bawling for no apparent reason. However, nothing happened. After about a minute, Ukyo finally got up and looked outside, to see, up in a tree, an owl with several empty beer cans on the branch beside.

"False alarm!" She called out. Everyone got up and brushed off their clothes, Ranma wiping a bead of sweat from his head.

"So, as I was about to ask, how do you guys always know when I'm in a situation like this?" Ranma asked. In response, Ukyo pulled up the hair on the side of her face and pointed to a stitch in the side of her head. "You got a lobotomy?"

"No, silly. We all have gotten radars installed that tell us whenever you are in a possibly romantic situation, and where you are at the time." She stated.

"You know, I remember selling something like that on E-bay... no, couldn't be." Washu said thoughtfully.

Suddenly, Tatewaki Kuno poked his head in. "Hey Ukyo, didst thy radar goeth off as well?"

"Yep, come on in. By the way, where's your sister?"

"She is at the asylum."

"I always thought she should be locked up." Ranma muttered.

"Oh, no! She didst getteth herself a part-time job there... er... eth."

"And for what reason are you talking like that, Kuno?" Akane butted in.

"Ah, my dear, sweet Akane, as I was growingeth up, I didst not have any schools that could suit my intellectual needs. So, I was forced to relyeth on the vast collection of Shakespeare that my father had to learneth any sort of language skills."

"Do things like this happen a lot here?" Washu asked, all of a sudden.

"Oh yeah, all the time. You're lucky the Principal isn't here, he'd have a field day with you."

"Deed someone call me name?" Principal Kuno strutted in, shears in hand.

"Well, it looks like the only ones missing are Ryouga and Mousse." Akane said, rubbing her temples.

"RANMA! Take your hands off Shampoo!" Mousse flew in through the roof and landed near Washu. As she looked at him with a puzzled expression, he pointed at Washu's long, pink hair. "Stop hiding, Ranma! You won't escape me!" He then proceeded to run circles around Washu.

"Chikusho! How did you get so fast?"

Ranma sighed angrily. "Dammit... THAT'S ENOUGH!" He shouted, causing everyone to stop in their tracks. "Never mind about that whole marriage thing. In fact, I'm gonna give up my last name for some reason and go on a training journey." He turned to leave. "Bye!"

"Wait, Saotome!" Mousse pleaded as he grabbed Washu's hair. "If you leave, I won't have anyone to displace my feelings of inadequacy onto!"

"Hey!" Principal Kuno shouted as he joined the Joketsuzoku boy. "Me be likin' yo' style keiki!"

"Airen, no!"

"Ranchan, no!"

"Osage no onna, no!" Kuno paused. "Um, I mean, 'foul sorcerer!' Yes, I need to free my 'osage no onna' from the 'foul sorcerer.'" He quickly regained his composure and quietly slipped away.

Akane sighed as she watched Ranma tear from the Tendo home as fast as he could. "Ranma... why couldn't you just..." she wiped the moisture from her eyes. "Just... ADMIT THAT I'M MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU!"

Katsuhito, once the house had emptied of all guests beside himself and Washu, put his hand on Akane's shoulder. "Do not worry, my granddaughter. He will see in time."

- - -

"Damn!" Ranma complained as he took a seat in a ramen shop several districts over from Nerima. He had been running since early that afternoon, and it was now evening; he was up for a bite to eat.

"So what'll it be, kid?" The person behind the counter, a man of about eighteen with slicked back hair, asked coarsely.

"Um... I guess you could gimme some ramen." Ranma replied just as coarsely.

The other man scowled, "Yo, don't get smart with me."

"A'right, a'right. I had a bad day, okay?" Ranma shot back. "Just gimme the biggest order ya got."

The order was fulfilled several minutes later, and in about the same amount of seconds, it was gone. "Whoo!" Ranma commented. "That was good."

"Okay, kid." The man said. "That'll be 3,753 yen."

Ranma gulped. "Oh... that's funny, it seems I left my money in my other pants." He crept slowly toward the door.

"Oh?" The other asked, a tight grin appearing on his face. "Well, I guess you'll just have to work it off, ne?"

The pigtailed martial artist laughed nervously. "Oh, yeah. Um, I don't really have time right now, so if you could tell me when you'd want me to..."

The man's expression settled into a definite frown. "No, I don't think so. No one gets a free meal offa Urameshi Yusuke!" He began to lower himself into a fighting stance. "If you don't wanna pay, and you don't wanna work, then you gotta get your ass beat."

Ranma gulped as he felt a powerful aura begin to emanate from Yusuke. Shaking his head slightly, he reconfigured his face into a smirk. "Heh. Alright. That I can live with." He crouched into an aggressive stance. "Saotome Ranma, heir of the Musabetsu Kakutou Ryuu, accepts your challenge!"

to be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________

Weee! Idn't this fun?! Heh, just so you know (if you hadn't figured this out yet... baka), this fanfic will be unbelievable insane; crossing just about every anime you'd care to in a mindless cliché-fest o' fun! Seeing as this fic is the result of a three-way collaboration, please excuse any minor inconsistencies in writing style; we try to compromise, but we are individuals, after all. Ja ne!


	3. Chapter 2

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and Houston Fryer

Disclaimer: We don't claim a damn thing!

For information on any Japanese words or phrases, checkout .

Chapter 2:

Yusuke lunged at Ranma. Surprised at his speed, Ranma was barely able to jump to the side. Rebounding off the wall, he kicked at the supposedly off-guard ramen-shop owner, only to find his opponent had disappeared. Yusuke reappeared behind Ranma and kicked him into the ceiling.

_He's fast!_ Ranma thought as he regained his balance in midair and landed back on the restaurant floor, catching himself on the receiving end of a rapid series of jabs. Blocking each, he crouched low to the ground and knocked Yusuke's legs from beneath him with a wide-sweeping low kick. Yusuke stopped the fall and handspringed above Ranma, preparing to drive his foot into his face.

_He wants to see some fast punches, eh?_ Ranma ducked the kick and, searching for an opening, he began his own series of punches, fast enough to snatch chestnuts from an open fire, so to speak.

However, he was surprised to find that Yusuke knocked each and every attack away with ease. Ranma also noticed the smile on Yusuke's face. Ranma flipped away from his attacker and, sinking into a fighting stance, returned the smile.

_He's enjoying this just as much as I am!_ thought the pigtailed martial artist. Suddenly, Yusuke stood up from his own stance, turned to the side, and pointed a single finger at Ranma. _What's he doing?_

"Rei Gan!" A thin blast emanated from his single outstretched finger and shot toward Ranma, who could barely put his own hands up in time to launch a countermeasure.

"Mouko Takabisha!" A much larger blast streaked from the Ranma's own outstretched palms and met Yusuke's discharge. A fierce struggle ensued, with Yusuke and Ranma pushing more and more ki into their respective attacks. The tide turned in the ramen-shop owner's favor, as the smaller bolt forced its way through Ranma's projectile, causing the pigtailed martial artist to release his ki wave and dive to the side. The punctured blast, without its master, exploded in place, scorching the ground beneath it. Yusuke's missile proceeded without any resistance to the far wall, cracking the wall and shaking the foundations of the ramen shop.

"Yusuke! What's all that noise you're making?" A light, feminine voice called from the upper floor. Yusuke stumbled, then turned and called back.

"It's nothin'! Just some dumb customer tryin' to weasel his way outta his check!" He turned around again, to find Ranma's foot a mere inch from his face. Though he was unable to defend with his arms, his extremely formidable skull made for an adequate blocking apparatus, as there was little to injure in that part of his anatomy.

Ranma's jaw dropped as his foot failed to move his foe's head. "D-damn... what're you made of?"

The shop owner smirked dangerously as swiped his errant customer's leg aside. "Y'know, I don't appreciate gettin' hit with cheap shots." Darting forward, he made brutal contact with his opponent's face with his own head; however, because of similar attributes concerning Ranma's physiology, the attack didn't do much damage.

The pigtailed martial artist grunted as a table broke from his impact. "Itee! Th-this guy ain't no pushover..." he eyed a container full of napkins with interest. "Hey..."

"Alright, kid! You better pay up, or I'm gonna show you what real pain is, and, take it from a guy who knows, it ain't pretty!" Yusuke threatened as he stalked toward the curmudgeon.

Grabbing a single napkin, Ranma focused his ki into the container as he simultaneously pulled, which caused every single napkin to cling to each other, creating a long rope of napkins, which Ranma swirled toward his opponent. "Napukin Ken!" He shouted as the quilted paper salvo began to impact with its target.

Yusuke put his hands up defensively as the napkins began to cling to him tenaciously. Quickly powering up, he managed to rip the offending paper to shreds, however. Yusuke scanned the room expeditiously for Ranma, but the boy seemed to have disappeared. Suddenly, AND without warning, he spotted something amiss. Walking over to the table that had been broken during the fight, Yusuke stomped on it heavily, earning a pained whimper. "Heh, y'know, I didn't think tables crawled across the floor by themselves."

"Naw, they usually don't do they?" Ranma commented as he put his hand on the shop owner's shoulder. "Who d'ya suppose was under there?"

"Y-you?" Yusuke stammered. "But..." he turned back to the table.

"That was very unlucky," an extremely ugly Buddhist monk intoned, mere inches from Yusuke's face. He ignored the subsequent screams of terror and continued. "I had just come in to have a nice bowl of ramen when I saw the two of you fighting. Seeing the overturned table, I thought it would be a safe place to hide until you worked out your differences."

"A-and who the hell are you?" Ranma asked.

The monk nodded sagely, for some reason. "I am Sakuranbo."

"'Deranged monk?'" Yusuke catechized. "Fitting."

Sakuranbo scowled, though the two young men could scarcely tell the difference. "You can CALL me 'Cherry.'"

"Okay, Cherry san." Ranma pronounced smilingly. "It's been nice, but now I think I'll leave you two be..."

"Hold it!" Yusuke snarled as he grabbed Ranma by the collar. "You still need to be taught a lesson."

"This is an unlucky path you tread." Cherry opined. "If you continue, the results may be... catastrophic."

"What're you talkin' about?" Yusuke challenged.

Cherry sighed wearily. "If you tread any further down this path, you will open the door to the Ultimate Chaos: the horror of the Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover!"

Ranma looked blackly at the diminutive holy man. "You don't seem to get it..." he said as he pulled his leg back, "...that that's what we WANT!" With that, he punted Cherry into the infamously clichéd LEO. Turning back to Yusuke, he maintained, "Well, let's get back to it. Can't let that whole fourth-wall thing affect us too much."

"Hai!" Yusuke replied. "Now. I can see you're pretty tough, so I'm through holding back... at least, I won't hold back my human body's power. You see, I should warn you, I'm no ordinary mortal." He smirked confidently. "I'm actually a half-youkai. Before I discovered that, even, I was the Reikai Tantei, so I've had plenty of experience with super-charged asses like yourself."

Ranma felt a chill jolt down his spine. This guy had been holding back? But, ever the bold tiger, he retorted, "Oh yeah, well I just killed a god not long ago. That's right, the god of the Houozanjin, Saffron. Not only that, I even beat a descendant of the dragons!"

Yusuke chuckled as he began to glow with an aethereal light. "Saffron? I heard of him once. He's one of the few Class A demons around, though he's a pretty weak one. Any descendent of a dragon would have to be, at least, a high Class B if he's unlocked his dragon's blood."

"You... don't seem too worried." Ranma alleged, backing away ever so slowly.

"Nope. You see, I'm a Class S demon." The glowing man affirmed. "A pretty tough one, too. Only one other Class S I've encountered ever beat me. Class As are beneath me."

"Well..." Ranma remarked. _There's only one thing I can do now._ He took a deep breath. "Your mom's a drunken whore and your girl's a tomboy."

Yusuke's eye twitched. 0.027 seconds later, he was showing Ranma exactly what he thought of those last comments.

"Yow! Gah! I'm kidding! Kidding!" The pigtailed martial artist shouted as he desperately tried to dodge his enraged foe's punches. Though he was able to read the other's movements enough that he could dodge the blows in time, small cuts were forming because of the pockets of vacuum that had formed around the other's supersonic fists.

Ranma moved quickly through the spiral steps, leading his opponent into the center with a practiced ease, though, at this time, it was somewhat lacking in grace. Upon reaching the center, the nigh seventeen year old slung a chilled corkscrew punch into the swirling hot energies, causing the air to surge violently upward.

"Nani?" Yusuke canvassed incredulously. "How're you doing thi--" His body was quickly carried through the roof of the ramen shop and out of ear-shot.

A woman with long, brown hair looked through the new hole between the shop and the residence section of the building and scowled at Ranma. "Alright, I mean it! What _exactly_ are you two doing down here?"

Ranma chortled weakly. "Uh, nothin' really. Just a frank exchange of differin' ideas." Ranma put his hand above his eyes as if to shade them. "Oh, an' you might wanna pull your head back..."

The woman looked above herself, and, seeing the gigantic sphere of ki heading toward her, rapidly complied.

The pigtailed martial artist casually leaped backward to avoid the dartle of power. The restaurant's floor, however, was not quite as agile, and quickly gained a significantly sized crater. The shockwave from the resulting eruption did accomplish the task of tossing Ranma through one of the windows and into the street, as well as shattering every other window in that and immediately surrounding buildings. "Damn..." Ranma commented.

"That was great and all, but I'm gettin' pretty tired of this. Are you gonna give up or do I have to show you just what I can really do?" Ranma gulped and looked up to see Yusuke descending to the ground, seemingly unhurt. Only the loss of his shirt showed that he had been attacked at all.

"If you think I'm done fighting, you're sadly mistaken. There is no way I'm gonna pay for all this! Half of it is your fault anyway!" shouted Ranma at the now grounded ramen shop owner.

"Fine. You wanna fight, you got a fight!" Yusuke broke into a sprint toward Ranma.

_He's strong, and maybe even faster than me. I'm gonna need an edge._ thought Ranma as he dodged a series of jabs and kicks. He jumped away from a ki-charged fist and rebounded off a nearby wall to kick at Yusuke's lower region. Handspringing back, the ramen-shop owner put a single fist forward and announced his attack.

"Rei-Kou-Dan!" Several small ki projectiles swarmed out from Yusuke's outstretched fist. While many harmlessly passed by, causing minor damage to the neighboring buildings, a great amount struck Ranma. To him, the pain was unbearable, as if thousands of red-hot needles were being thrust into him all across his body. The blasts knocked Ranma backwards, launching him about ten feet backward. Midway through the descent, a thought struck Ranma. He twisted his body, sending him into a very cool-looking spinning fall.

"Dammit, kid! I'm gettin' bored, and this is scarin' away customers! Are you gonna give up or do I have to just hang your corpse from our roof to discourage your type?" Ranma was oblivious to Yusuke's threats as he drifted in and out of consciousness. Finally grasping reality, he pulled himself up and placed his hands forward.

"Another blast? Alright then, have it your way." said Yusuke as he once again pointed his finger at the pigtailed martial-artist.

_This is my last shot!_ thought Ranma as he focused as much ki as he could into his hands. He could feel Yusuke doing the same, although the amount of energy concentrated into the tip of the ramen-shop owner's finger was a tsunami bearing down upon his whorl of power. Nonetheless, Ranma kept concentrating. After a short time, his ki was ready to burst from his hands like an angry bull, and he could feel that Yusuke's was ready to do the same.

"_Mouko-Takabisha_!" The massive surge of energy was delayed by its own bulk as it struggled to free itself from Ranma.

"_Rei-Gan_!" Yusuke's thunderous blast was much more dignified, instantly streaking away from him and toward Ranma. _There's no way his attack can beat mine!_ Yusuke thought to himself.

However, Ranma wasn't finished. As the two mighty blasts met, Ranma jerked his hands away from each other, and his blast obeyed, splitting into two equally powerful attacks. Yusuke's ki bullet passed between the two attacks as they sped toward the dumbstruck ramen-shop owner. Unable to form a defense in time, he received the full force of the twin ki missiles. However, Ranma didn't really think his plan through, as the ki bullet was still heading for him; as he had almost exhausted all of his own ki, thinking his Mouko-Takabisha to be the last necessary attack, he was unable to move completely out of the way of his opponent's projectile, and was struck severely on the left side, being forced into yet another patented martial-arts spin-fall™.

Ranma's last thought before consciousness slipped away from him was the hope that his opponent would have been defeated by his attack.

- - -

"Ah! My thong! It broke!" cried Kasumi as she almost dropped the tea tray she was holding.

"Oh, my poor baby's sandals!" Soun bawled. However, he stopped when he looked down. "But, Kasumi, your sandals are fine."

"My, er, other thong. You know, the one Tofu sam...er, sensei gave me." Kasumi stuttered as she received a suspicious glance from Nabiki. Soun just started crying again.

- - -

"What's goin' on?" Ranma yelled out at the black emptiness that surrounded him. Indistinguishable voices flowed in and out of mind as he struggled to find a footing.

Suddenly, a short, old woman in black garb, sitting on a crystal ball appeared before him. She spoke with a raspy voice that was not completely unlike Cologne's. "Ranma, now is the time to grasp your destiny!" said the woman before she disappeared.

"That... was weird. It sounded like something off of a sci-fi b-movie or something." Ranma barely finished speaking before a woman with long blue hair, clad in ornate robes, appeared far away from him.

"You must walk along the serpent's back to reach your destiny." Her voice was smooth, and sounded as though she was right next to him.

"What are you talkin-" Before he could finish, a tiny old man in a familiar brown gi materialized behind him.

"Ranma, the lord of all you see will be your guide when you... ooh, sweeto!" He leaped past Ranma, seeming to float along in the strange realm, and was met with the blue-haired woman's hand as she backhanded him into disappearance, before fading away herself.

"Damn old pervert... but that still doesn't explain what's going on." Ranma turned around to see a middle-aged man with black hair and shades steepling his hands before him.

"Your destiny lies in times before you. Believe in the denizens of hell, not heaven." The man spoke with a deep, resounding voice.

"Would you people start makin' sense! I don't have any idea what you're talkin' about!" Ranma was getting frustrated with his ethereal advice.

A light, feminine tone alerted him to the young woman behind him. She too wore elaborate robes, and bore distinctive marks on her head. Behind her was a winged female with short blonde hair, scantily clad in white cloth. "Gather thy allies from past, present, and future. Only when the greatest of all evil arises will you understand my meaning."

"Eeeeyaaaaaa! Die Angel!" The middle aged man pushed Ranma aside and charged at the being behind the woman, still steepling his hands. However, all three disappeared before he could reach them. Ranma just scratched his head.

Suddenly, all the voices spoke in unison. "Learn thy destiny and wake up!" Before Ranma could remark on how weird it sounded to hear Happosai say the word "thy", the voices came again, now yelling at an unbearable volume. "Wake up! Wake up! Wake up..."

- - -

Ranma bolted upwards to find himself in an unfamiliar bed. His face stung, and he looked around to find Yusuke staring at him, an angry look in his face. "You've been out of it for three days now! It's time to work!"

"Yusuke! Quit bothering him!" A voice Ranma recognized as the one belonging to the girl who interrupted their fight before. "He's been hurt badly, and you're the one who caused it! Show some sympathy."

Yusuke harrumphed. "Hey, Keiko chan, I was hurt too..."

"Ooh!" The brunette retorted mockingly as she walked up beside the other. "A bloody nose and a mild concussion! Please! Kuwabara kun's hurt you worse than that."

Ranma groaned. _'A bloody nose and a mild concussion'! That's wonderful!_

"Please, Kuwabara couldn't do half that amount of damage; especially not now!" Yusuke continued. "You're really insulting me, here, y'know."

A thought occurred to the pigtailed martial artist as the couple continued to trade sharp remarks with almost as much deftness as he and Akane. "Yo! How'd you get that strong, anyway? Don't gimme no crap about you bein' a demon, either."

Yusuke raised an eyebrow at the question. "Well, first I died..."

"Uh, never mind..."

"But that was just how I learned of THIS." Yusuke smirked as he rubbed his hands together. "Yeah, if you want to get as strong as me, you should see Genkai. She's a GREAT teacher, and her training's so SIMPLE! You shoulda seen, kid. Video games, leisurely runs through the forest..."

"Wow," Ranma responded. "That sounds cool. Not even a sixty-fourth as bad as Jiji's."

Keiko glanced tentatively at her fiancé. "Yusuke... are you thinking what I think you're thinking?"

"Hey, Keiko chan," the former Reikai Tantei whispered. "This'll be the perfect way to get payback for the store, and Baba'll take 'im... he's got as much power now as I did during the Ankoku Bukujutsukai."

- - -

"I won't do it!" Genkai said crisply.

Ranma looked downcast as he shuffled his feet awkwardly.

"Aw, c'mon Genkai!" Yusuke pleaded. "He's got great potential!"

The diminutive old woman scowled at her former pupil. "I'm an old woman, what do you expect from me? I've already trained YOU in my techniques; I don't need another heir."

Yusuke leaned in conspiratorially. "Oh, come ON. You can put him through the forest, have him balance on spikes with a single finger, make him climb up shear mountain faces with iron balls attached to his feet... and the Dungeon Training... you LOVE the Dungeon Training..." Yusuke smirked when he saw a twinkle in the old woman's eye, but then sighed as she shook her head.

"No! I can't do it." The psychic turned her back on the two young men and began to walk up toward her house. "If you really want, I can refer you to someone, but I don't know..."

Ranma perked up instantly. "'Someone?' Yeah, yeah, I don't care, as long as this person can get me as strong as this guy!" He thrust his thumb at Yusuke.

Genkai turned and smirked oddly. "Oh, I can assure you he can, but first you'll have to get a ride."

to be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________

Ooh... a mystery! Um, by the way, if any of you are like Mr. Howington over here: no, she's not talking about THAT kind of ride. It's completely literal! I don't even know why Jay'd think that, anyway. He's a "kiddy hentai" after all. You should see all the twelve-year-olds that declare their undying love for him. Not like me... I just get bimbos and tomboys after me. Do any of the girls I actually LIKE go for me, though? No-o-o-o! Damn Ranma-complex... Well, at least we aren't like Houston over there. He can't get any girls at all! Ah, that's comforting!


	4. Chapter 3

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and Houston Fryer

Disclaimer: Little boy

For information on any Japanese words or phrases, checkout .

Chapter 3:

A large tree stood in the middle of a pond, with a series of large stepping stones leading to it. A forest of deciduous descent surrounded the Masaki Shrine. "There, you're getting it. It's just like using your ki, only different." said Aeka, on the shore of the pond. Akane appeared to be in deep concentration, a red aura surrounding her. "We don't know how your powers will manifest, as they tend to vary from person to person, so it will be most interesting to find out."

Releasing her concentration, Akane fell backward. "Wow, this is difficult. It's like having to relearn how to use my ki." Aeka walked over to her and offered her a hand.

"You've made astounding progress in the last few days. Most Juraijin take weeks, or even months, to learn how to use their power."

_When I get back, Ranma better be there so I can show him my new power. Won't he be surprised!_ Akane chuckled to herself, leading Aeka to wonder what was so funny.

"We've got an hour until Oniisama gets to take over. Come on, we've got to impress him." Aeka, too, wanted to show her brother how good her apprentice had become in such a short time.

- - -

"She should be here any minute." Genkai stared at the sky. "You're lucky. I don't get a lot of favors like this, especially not from her."

"Whatever this person of yours has in mind, I hope it's tough. That kid gave me too much trouble for it not to be." Yusuke whispered to Genkai. He probably could have said that out loud, and Ranma wouldn't have noticed, as he was too wrapped up in his hopes for the new training.

"Would you consider training under ten times Earth's gravity to be tough?" She asked of the former Reikai Tantei. Yusuke just appeared to be thinking hard. Genkai frowned, "That means you would weigh ten times what you do here."

"I know what it meant!" said Yusuke. He then went back into his thoughtful state, having to do several calculations in his head. His face finally assumed a surprised expression. "Ten times!?! How could anyone do that?"

"It's not that difficult; you could handle it with ease. That boy, however, will have some trouble." Genkai said, finally attracting the attention of the aforementioned boy.

"I'm sure I c'n take it! Beating your golden boy here puts me up pretty high on the list, doesn't it?" boasted Ranma, provoking a frown of Yusuke.

"Beating me, huh? As I recall, the one who was knocked out for three days was you, my friend." His voice was entirely serious.

"Aw, I was just takin' a nap. I hadn't gotten a whole lotta sleep the other night." Ranma smiled arrogantly.

"Sure you were. I could have killed you the whole time and you know it." Yusuke said.

"Yeah, the whole time I was asleep, sure. I'm afraid I was just a little too much for you." Yusuke's ki began to rise at the last statement.

"Quit your bickering, you two. She's here." Genkai said annoyedly.

"Here? Here where?" Both boys looked around for the alleged arrival.

"There, morons." She pointed upward. Ranma and Yusuke looked to see a shiny ball descending toward them. As the ball got closer, they could see an old woman in a witch's outfit riding atop it.

"Okay, I'm here. Which one is it?" The old woman said to Genkai, who motioned to Ranma, who was aghast.

"It's you! You! What were you doing in my dreams last night?" Ranma shouted, provoking wide-eyed stares from everyone.

"Good question. What WAS I doing in your dream last night?" The old woman questioned.

Ranma cocked his head at the question then, realization finally hitting him, he shook his head as his own eyes grew wide. "No, No! It's nothing like that! That's not what I meant!" Both Genkai and the old woman were staring at him, while Yusuke was doubled over with laughter.

"Either way, it's time to go. I hope you haven't been having any thoughts about ME?" Genkai raised an eyebrow as she motioned to the old woman, causing Yusuke to roll back and forth in merriment.

"Oh, be quiet!" Ranma shouted at her before finally walking over to the old woman.

"You can call me Uranai Obaba. I don't have a lot of time to do trivial things like this so let's get going. You're lucky I got to come at all, thanks to Genkai's father."

"Genkai's father being who?" Ranma asked dumbly.

"Daikai Ou. Now come on." she began floating up into the sky.

"Hey! Where're you going? Where's my ride?"

The fortune-telling old lady stopped her ascent and turned to him. "Can't you fly?"

"No. Who the hell can fly, other than Herb?"

"You'd be surprised. Now, how are we going to do this?" The fortune-telling old woman asked herself. Ranma jumped up and grabbed the crystal ball, hanging on to it from below.

"Okay Grandma, let's go!" Ranma said impatiently.

"Hmph. Don't look up my dress now." Uranai Obaba said with a chuckle. Thus they slowly floated up into the atmosphere, Genkai and Yusuke looking on.

"Man, and I thought that oar of Botan's was bad..."

- - -

A river, famous in Nerima for its strange saltiness, flowed through a previously uninhabited countryside. Now, houses and shops had sprung up and boats sailed through the river of unknown origin. Tendo Soun, Tendo Nabiki, Tendo Kasumi, and Saotome Genma were sitting on the banks of the river with picnic-basket in tow.

"It sure is quiet with our two main characters gone." Nabiki stated matter-of-factly.

"Oh my little Akane! When will you be coming back to us?" Soun cried, creating a nice little tributary.

"Ah, I think it's actually kind of nice without the boy around. I could get used to all this quiet. Although some people would disagree." Genma pointed to a sullen Shampoo delivering an order without her breakneck-speed pedaling or using people's faces as ramps. "She and the others have been downright melancholy these past few days, 'specially that Ryouga. Of course, he's always sad about something or other, right Tendo kun?" He said to a weeping Soun.

"Hmph. I don't care about Ranma, I want Akane back." Soun sputtered through a continuous stream of tears.

"It is rather lonely around here without them." Kasumi said, pouring some tea for everyone.

- - -

Yellow clouds surrounded Uranai Obaba and her guest as they floated toward an unseen goal. Ranma hoped they would get there soon; his arms were getting tired. "I hope we'll get there soon; my arms are gettin' tired."

Uranai Obaba rolled her eyes, lamenting the fact that she had to ferry such a whiny boy around. "Oh, how I lament the fact that I have to ferry such a whiny boy around."

Suddenly, the two simultaneously emerged from the clouds to see a gigantic castle and stopped repeating everything the author wrote. The castle was constructed like an ancient Japanese fortress, had what looked like horns gracing the rooftops, and was possessed of a large welcome sign above its main entrance. The author, in the meantime, was given accolades for his bravery.

"Whoa." Ranma whoaed.

The author was then smacked in the back of the head and told to cut the crap. He then proceeded into the sewers with a knife while his coauthor shook his head sadly and took over.

As they got closer, Ranma could notice a huge, seemingly endless pathway leading out of the front of the castle. On this road was an uncountable amount of tiny cloudlike beings. They were mostly identical, save for the few who had the sense to pack a briefcase. Guiding them along the way was a myriad of oni. The pigtailed martial artist's eyes widened in disbelief at the business suits and clean, trim look of the oni who shouted directions at the infinitely many souls.

"Lord Enma's castle. I'm due back soon, so let's go. Come on now." The fortune-telling old lady motioned for Ranma to get off, and as he looked down, he found solid ground beneath him for the first time in a while. Ever eager to get back on his legs, he dropped down to the platform. The old lady led him inside the imposing castle, to meet its imposing inhabitant.

"Who's this now, Baba? Another dead martial artist?" A deep, booming voice asked of the old lady as Ranma was greeted with the sight of a enormous, red oni outfitted in purple. The oni sat at a very plain table with an immense clipboard and a hulking telephone. A gargantuan cup sat upon the table, with mammoth pencils sticking out. A commodious vase of flowers sat at the far left.

"Something like that, honorable Lord Enma. He's here to train under Lord Kai Ou." The old woman regaled her superior.

"Another one, eh?" The huge oni looked to Ranma. "He doesn't look the type for it." A huge smile adorned the colossal oni's face. "You sure you're into this? That training was tough, even for me!"

"I'll survive. I've fought a god before; training under one can't be too bad." Ranma gloated.

"He's peppy, that's for sure. Okay, get going." Enma Daiou motioned to a doorway to their side. "The longer you stay here, the longer it's going to be on the road ahead." He then went back to looking over his clipboard. "Okay now, Nicolas D. Wolfwood, right? Let's see..." His booming voice spoke to a puffy soul wielding a big steel cross.

Ranma walked over to the side, where a short, portly oni with one fat horn protruding out of his head. The oni greeted them.

"Hi there, I'm currently on duty to take people to the Serpent Road. Not exactly an exciting job, but your type comes along once in a while. Shall we be off?" The oni motioned to a tiny car. As the two boarded the heavenly automobile, the oni did his best to brief Ranma on the task ahead of him. "To get to Lord Kai Ou, you've gotta go across the Serpent Road, no easy task. It's real long, and you can't fall off, or you'll be trapped in hell forever."

Ranma observed his surroundings as the two drove along. "So... er, what's this 'Lord Kai Ou' like?"

"Oh, he's über strong; of course, he oughtta be, since he's the guy who stands above all the other gods in the universe... well, except Daikai Ou and Kai Ou Shin... and those nice Aesir gods, too." The oni replied.

Ranma nodded addledly. "Yeah, okay. So why don't I go train with one of those guys?"

The oni folded his arms across his chest and looked at the gas pedal ponderously. "Hmm... good questi--"

"_Hey, watch where you're drivin'_!" Ranma shouted as he grabbed the wheel of the car. Of course, since he wasn't eighteen yet, and thus had no driving experience to speak of, his efforts proved in vain as they crashed sidelong into the Serpent Road's head.

"Oh. Whoops." The oni gave a nervous laugh and looked back at his passenger, "It could have been worse. We could have gone off." Ranma just ignored his incompetent driver and hopped out, anxious to see this Serpent Road.

Ranma stared at the great expanse of road before him. "How long did you say this road of yours was?"

"Oh yes, let's see here," the oni checked his clipboard. "One million kilometers."

"One mill- _one million_!?!" Ranma was floored. "How the hell am I supposed to do that?"

"Pace yourself, I guess. It's not like you can starve; you're dead." The oni said matter-of-factly

"No, I'm not." He stared at the oni in disbelief.

"What?"

"I'm not dead."

The oni looked at Ranma, then looked above him. "Well, how about that. No halo. You're not dead after all." Another nervous laugh escaped his lips. "Guess you'll have to hurry?"

"You're not much help. Oh, well, it can't be that hard, can it?" Ranma jumped atop the snake head. "Well, I'll be goin', then." The pigtailed martial artist darted off along the long, twisting road.

"Bye. I think.." The oni watched him for a minute until he disappeared among the clouds, then got back into his car and drove back to castle of Lord Enma.

- - -

"I wonder how that punchin' bag of mine is doin'?" Yusuke thought to himself as he prepared a bowl of beef ramen with green peppers. "Look at me. I'm already worried about the little ass. I'm gettin' soft." The door bell rang as a new customer walked in. Yusuke tried to hide the scowl that formed on his face as he greeted the dirty young man.

"Yo. Whaddya want?"

"No ramen. Can you tell me how to get to Furinkan High School?" The bandanna-clad boy replied.

- - -

A single clock nestled on the roof of a large apartment ticked as a young okonomiyaki chef strode through the walls fencing an apartment house that seemed to have had a new addition added on in recent years. She clutched a mass of bills close to her like a newborn child, and the hopeful smile on her face further augmented the simile. Playful laughter pierced the otherwise quiet setting as she approached the door and knocked three times.

The door opened to reveal a beaming woman in her late thirties or early forties. "Ah! You must be Kuonji san. Godai Kyoko desu... oh!" She glanced down toward a young girl of approximately ten years who clutched onto her leg. "And this is my daughter, Godai Haruka. Say hello."

"Hi." Haruka responded.

"So, you've been looking for a place to stay, ne?" Kyoko continued. "Well, if you'll give me this and next month's rent, we're all ready for you to move into apartment 9. It's one of the three new ones, so it's quite well furnished."

"Oh, that's great!" Ukyo gushed as she offered her payment. "You don't know how hard it's been where I was living. I mean, there's a cross-dressing ninja who was living with me, and these crazy, violent girls all over the place, and now my fiancé's disappeared..."

A taut expression crossed Kyoko's face before she wiped her forehead with a handkerchief and said, "Oh, you poor dear. I know when I lost my first husband, I was crushed. You shouldn't worry, though, you'll find someone else who will make you just as happy!"

Ukyo appreciated the kind thoughts, and followed the apartment manager into the building. As they passed the door to apartment 1, said door flew open, knocking the okonomiyaki chef to the ground. "Ow! Watch it, will ya?"

A rather short man with broad shoulders and a face that was only slightly on the pudgy side skidded to a halt. "Oops! Gomen." He turned to Kyoko and waved. "Sorry, Godai san, I need to go meet Ikuko now." With that, he rushed giddily out the door.

"Geez, what was that about?" Ukyo asked crossly.

"Oh, that was just Ichinose Kentaro." Kyoko replied. "You must forgive him. He's normally very quiet and studious, but when it comes to Ikuko chan--that's my first husband's niece--he just gets a little... excited."

"I'll say." Ukyo quipped as she continued to follow Kyoko up the stairs to her room. As they passed room 6, a man in a kimono that reminded the okonomiyaki chef of scales slithered out of the room. "Oh, my. What a treat to have such a lovely young lady choose to take up residence in our humble abode." He leaned closer to the girl. "Tell me, in which apartment will you be residing?"

"Back, Yotsuya san, back!" Kyoko demanded as she squirted him with a water bottle. The serpent-like man writhed in annoyance as he squirmed his way back into his room, muttering, "Curse that diminutive monk and his 'holy water!'"

They passed room 7 without any unwanted interruptions; however, at room 8, a monstrous, pale-faced man with stitches in his forehead greeted them. "How do you do? I'm #8." The man said quietly, then returned to the book he was reading as he walked by.

"Um..." Ukyo stammered. "W-was he in an accident... or... something?"

"No, that's just how he looks, apparently. Hacchan is one of the newer residents. He's really polite, and quiet too; a rarity among Maison Ikkoku's tenants. Well, here's your apartment." They reached the ninth door. Kyoko pulled a ring of keys out of her pocket and, after perusing them for the correct one, thrust a key labeled "9" into the lock and turned it. A click announced the success of modern key-lock systems, and Ukyo pushed the door open to reveal a very neat and well-furnished, if small, room. Ukyo walked in and examined her surroundings.

"There you go. Let me know if you need anything, okay?" Kyoko tossed her the key and proceeded back down the stairs, and Ukyo found herself alone in her room. Putting the key in her pocket, she went to the futon and lay down, on her very own bed. Sighing, she thought of taking a nap to break it in.

- - -

Ranma continued to plug quickly along the Serpent Road. It had been three days so far, and dehydration was quickly beginning to set in, but it was because of his hunger that the martial artist had run faster than he ever had before. Finally, unable to take any more punishment, his body collapsed. "Well," he groaned, "Looks like this is it. At least when I die I'll be able to continue going without pain..." Suddenly, AND without warning, Ranma discovered that he had collapsed, not on the scaly back of the road, but on a fish-like tail. "Oh... _oh, yeah_!" He leapt up and looked around for his goal, but there was nothing ahead of him or to the side but a great tree growing from the clouds. "Waitaminnut. I'm here, but here's nowhere."

_Ahem!_ a voice reverberated through Ranma's mind. _I'm sorry to say this, but it seems there's been a bit of a mix-up._

"Huh?" Ranma asked. "Wh-what're you talking about... and where are you?!"

A semitransparent image of a young man with parted brown hair and a pacifier in his mouth appeared in front of the pigtailed martial artist. _Greetings, Ranma._ The man projected._ I am the great Koenma. I'm very cool. It seems my father forgot to mention the fact that Kai Ou and his planet were blown up by a rather pugnacious android a while back._

Ranma's mouth dropped open. "What? You mean to tell me that I came all this way for nothing?! My legs almost came OFF running fast enough so that I wouldn't starve!"

_Well, I'm afraid you're right. It was for nothing._ Koenma agreed. _However, as this __**is**__ Heaven, you can find Kai Ou on Daikai Ou's planet. We're sending someone over now to pick you up._

The pigtailed martial artist grimaced. "Pick me up. Y'mean all I had to do was get picked up by some guy, and I coulda been trainin' days ago?!"

_Well, you're rather astute, aren't you?_ The young man jibed before fading away.

Ranma shook his head. "Damn. Being dead is _really_ gonna suck..."

_Oh, by the way!_ Koenma said as he popped back into view. _You're Saotome Ranma, right? Well, there was this guy with a yellow bandanna looking for you a while ago. He said for you to meet him in the empty lot in a week._ With that he faded out again.

Ranma stared dumbly for a moment before he heard the sound of rapidly displaced air. "Eh?" He retorted smartly as he turned to see the newcomer. The man standing before him was somewhat taller than he, wore an orange gi with a blue undershirt, and had hair that would drive Principal Kuno wild.

"So, you must be Ranma!" The man exclaimed in a ridiculously feminine voice that was in complete contrast to his hulking frame. "I'm Son Goku, and I'm here to take you to the world of Daikai Ou."

"Um... great." Ranma responded. "How... how're we gonna get there, though? I'm pretty hungry; I don't think I could last that long."

Goku laughed in a high pitched manner that would have had most listeners thrashing on the ground in agony, but Ranma being who he was decided to grin and bear it. "I'll use Shunkan Idou. We'll be able to go there instantly that way, so just touch my shoulder."

"Uh... sure." Ranma replied as he tentatively fingered the shoulder of the man's gi. "Well, let's go."

In an instant, Ranma found himself standing in the middle of a large courtyard. Startled by the sudden change, he backed into a compact, rotund, blue-skinned man.

"Watch it." The man made his presence known to Ranma, who gave a short yell and spun around.

"Who're you?" He asked right away.

"Kai Ou. And you are?"

"You're Lord Kai Ou? I've been looking for you! Obaba said you would train me!" Ranma shouted, catching the attention of some nearby people.

"Indeed I will, if..." The Lord of Worlds' sunglasses shone in the sunlight, "if you can make me laugh."

"Make... you... laugh?" Ranma was dumbstruck.

"That's the deal. I get a joke, you get training."

"WHAT? I'm not a comedian! I don't even know what comedians re-"

"Heard it. Try again." Kai Ou interrupted.

"Er... okay... " Ranma turned and started muttering to himself. "Okay, Ranma, this is it. You've gotta make him laugh. You've gone through worse things, right? Like turnin' into a girl, dealin' with an idiot father who turns into a panda, gettin' attacked by a guy who turns into a pig, gettin' glomped by girl who turns into a c-c-cat, and nearly gettin' skewered by a guy who turns into a duck! Not to mention all these weird martial arts competitions! Martial arts ice skating, martial arts rhythmic gymnastics, martial arts eating, even tea ceremony martial arts! This is nothing! Let's see... I got it!" Ranma turned back around.

"Okay, Kai Ou, I got one!" However Ranma just stared as Kai Ou rolled on the ground with laughter. Goku was trying to cover his merriment, and a group of people who had come to see what all the commotion was guffawing uproariously. Ranma started to get flustered, but then he realized he had made Kai Ou laugh.

"Hey! You're laughing! Now I get training, right?" Ranma yelled hopefully.

"Yes, yes, you win! What a life story you have there! It sounds like something out of a comic book!" At this moment, everyone present assumed grave expressions, and stared at you, the reader.

"Anyway, when do we eat? I'm starving." Ranma asked, a trickle of drool hanging down from his chin.

"You really know how to pick 'em, Kai Ou! Speaking of that, I'm hungry too!" Goku said, patting his stomach.

"Come, then, I shall summon some food." Kai Ou turned and scuttled down the walkway to a table where a man in white robes stood ready to take an order.

"Order away, boys! We'll celebrate my taking on a new student with a feast!" Kai Ou shouted.

To be continued...

______________________________________________________________________

We're really just making this up as we go along. No planning involved whatsoever. Don't try it. It's dangerous.


	5. Chapter 4

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and kind of, sort of, not really Houston Fryer

Disclaimer: We stake our claim on the fact that the moon landing never happened.

Chapter 4:

Between Son Goku and Saotome Ranma, they went through eight cooks, as each collapsed from exhaustion after a while. Soon, stacks of empty bowls and plate littered the area around the table as each martial artist sat, rubbing their stomachs.

"Now then, Ranma, was it? Shall we get you started on this training you've been clamoring about?" Kai Ou asked of the now-full pigtailed martial artist.

"Yeah! Let's go! I'm ready!" exclaimed Ranma as he stood up from his chair.

"First, we need to gauge your strength to see where you stand. Strike at me." Kai Ou assumed a fighting stance.

"Okay then." Ranma lunged forward, but promptly fell on his face. Son Goku and Kai Ou just stared at his prone form.

"I said strike at me, not the ground."

"It's not that. I got heavy all of a sudden." Ranma pulled himself back to his feet with tangible effort.

"Oh, I see. I guess we'll start with the basics then." The Lord of Worlds turned to the left and raised his hand to his mouth. "_Bubbles_!"

Ranma glanced at Goku, who smiled knowingly. A small dot appeared on the horizon and sped toward them like a bespectacled master of hidden weapons toward a well-endowed Joketsuzoku woman. The speeding dot revealed itself to be a small monkey.

"Bubbles, this is Ranma. He's going to be training with us for a bit." Kai Ou explained to the unassuming monkey, who nodded in understanding. Kai Ou then turned to Ranma. "You are to catch Bubbles here, okay?"

"No problem." Ranma smirked. _Catching monkeys? This training doesn't seem so bad._

"Go." commanded Kai Ou. Bubbles sped off, faster than before, but before he could make even 100 meters, he was cut off by Ranma, who expeditiously grabbed the screeching monkey under the arms.

"Well now, he's much faster than I predicted." said the surprised Kai Ou.

"I just had to get used to this gravity. It's easy now." chortled Ranma as he walked back, a cheering Bubbles on his shoulder.

"You're definitely quick. But how powerful are you? Show your true strength." Kai Ou adjusted his glasses.

"My true strength? What, you mean pick something heavy up?" Ranma placed the defeated simian on the ground, who then proceeded to scamper off to Monkeyworld.

"No, your power. Show your inner strength." Kai Ou clarified.

_What the hell does he mean, true strength? My power? ...Maybe he means that thing Happosai does. I could try that._ Ranma thought to himself. He took a deep breath, and felt his ki flow around him. Kai Ou's surprise was evident, but Son Goku just kept his mysterious smile.

"Well, well, aren't you the strong one. You must be at that Ginyu fellow's level, at the very least." Kai Ou said, nodding. "Stronger than me to be certain. Save for some techniques, there's not much I can teach you."

Ranma lost his concentration. "Nani? Stronger than you? But I'm supposed to train under you, not over you."

"Indeed, but you must realize: fights are not decided by power alone; one must also possess the necessary skills."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know about all that. Now what kind of techniques are we talkin' about?" Ranma anxiously said.

"You know about all that, huh? Well if you know about all those special techniques that can multiply your strength, or use the ki of an entire planet, I guess you have nothing to learn." Kai Ou smirked.

"Er, I mean, uh, please teach me your great technique, oh revered Kai Ousama." Ranma bowed conciliatorily.

"That's what I thought. Now, judging by the way you gathered your ki, you may not be able to fully harness it. Complete control of your ki is essential to using the first technique without killing yourself. Goku, show him what I mean." Kai Ou asked of the Saiyajin, more to show off his student then to elucidate.

"Alrighty. Should I give him the whole thing?" Goku asked, removing his elbow from the table.

"Yes, but try not to blow up the Daikai Ou's planet."

"Okay!" Goku's frame sank closer to the ground as he prepared to invoke the maximum Kai Ou Ken. A red aura surrounded Goku as Ranma looked on. Then, the pigtailed martial artist's jaw dropped as he sensed Goku's ki skyrocketing. Letting out a gratingly annoying battle cry, Goku reached the 20x Kai Ou Ken.

_His power! It's... tremendous! Bigger than anything! How can he do that? It's unreal!_ Ranma's thoughts raced, and he fell backward as the full extent of Goku's power pierced his mind. The ground shook under Ranma's posterior, and he was unsure whether it trembled in fear from the great ki, or in pain from the screeching.

"Okay Goku, that's enough. We don't want to scare the poor boy." Kai Ou ordered the Saiyajin. Deep down, he didn't want to stop him, though. Kai Ou was more proud of this pupil than any other; after all, Goku had reached a point of power that surpassed all others, and yet he was still kind and forgiving, with not an ounce of ego. Of course, the short god of the northern quadrant also didn't want to lose another planet to the over-powered lunkhead.

Goku powered down, a sheen of sweat already coating his face. "Wow! I'd forgotten how much that takes out of you. At this power-level, especially, my body has a hard time enduring it."

"Indeed." Kai Ou agreed. He turned to Ranma. "That's another thing, Ranma. The Kai Ou Ken will give you a temporary increase in strength and speed, but it will put that much more strain on your stamina."

Ranma nodded. "I see. Well, I want to get started on this as fast as I can, so why don't we get down to the training?"

A small smirk played across Kai Ou's face. "Oh, yes. The training for the Kai Ou Ken..."

- - -

"So... this is... Azugaa?"

Kai Ou grinned. "Asgard. Yes, Ranma, this is where you'll find your training."

"Find my training?" The pigtailed martial artist asked incredulously. "How do I do that?"

Kai Ou pointed ominously toward a pearly-white building in the distance that was surrounded by lush vegetation. "Go to inside that facility. There, you will find an... obstacle. If you can conquer it, you will have mastered the necessary skills to perform the Kai Ou Ken."

"Izzat all?" Ranma queried. "Seems kinda... simple." He glanced at the blue god warily. "Y-you ain't not tellin' me somethin'... are you?"

"No, no!" Kai Ou blurted quickly. "I 'ain't not tellin'' you a thing!"

"O--kay..." Ranma drawled, still somewhat skeptical, as he began to trudge toward his goal.

"Kai Ousama." Goku whispered as soon as Ranma was out of earshot. "That lady's trick is pretty dangerous, and she woulda killed me twice if I hadn't figured out how to stop her... so, erm..." he scratched his head as he watched the lord of worlds, who was, by that time, rolling on the ground while clutching his sides, "Wh-why are you laughing?"

Kai Ou regained composure just long enough to watch his newest pupil enter the luxurious Goddess' Onsen. He broke down once more as he heard a high-pitched scream pierce the air, a scream that undoubtedly belonged to Ranma.

- - -

"_Aaaaaaaah_!"

Aeka's smug grin faded as her rival, the demon Ryouko, exploded out of the containment logs' energy field. "Ryo-Ryouko, chotto..."

"Hey, Oujosama," the two-thousand year-old demon intoned murderously, "He---re's Ryouko!" A flash of red light later, and the cyan-haired woman suddenly found herself being carried away by Tenchi on a white horse. "Oh, Tenchi sama, I always knew you'd dump the stuck-up princess for me! Hold me close!"

"I can't!" The Juraijin prince told her glumly. "You see, I have a math test that I didn't study for... that, and you're not wearing any pants."

Akane and Aeka stared at the prone form of Ryouko as she cried out in agony. "Geez..." Akane said. "I didn't _mean_ to knock her out like that."

"It's fine, Akane chan." Katsuhito assured her. "She's tougher than she looks, and, besides, it's her fault for crashing into the training grounds like that." He chuckled. "That was a good demonstration of your offensive Juraijin abilities, by the way. Who knew that a force-field could be morphed into the shape of a mallet?"

"Thanks, Ojiisan!" Akane responded. She turned to Aeka. "Say, Obasa--" she faltered as she saw the princess' right eye twitch violently. "I mean... Oneechan... um, do you think I could cook this evening?"

Katsuhito put his hand over his mouth to stifle a gasp while his younger sister paled noticeably. "Urm..." the purple-haired woman stammered. "I... um... I think Sasami has already planned a meal for us. We wouldn't want to disappoint her like that, now would we?" Aeka finished with a beaming grin, pleased with herself for averting the possible calamity. She remembered well the first, and last, time they had entertained her relative's desire to cook.

Akane sighed. "Yeah, I suppose." She smirked as she began hopped back on one of the training posts. "To think I'm related to _two_ great cooks like that, though. I'm _bound_ to become a good cook, myself!"

Aeka restrained herself from fainting from the thought. "Hai... hai. I'm sure you will."

Akane was just about to tie her blindfold back on for another session, but, all of a sudden, a yellow blur leapt out of the brush and plowed into the shorthaired girl. "Gaah! Bakemono!"

Katsuhito, like a Flash (the second, to be more specific), hoisted the yellow creature off of his writhing granddaughter. "Well, well. It seems we have a visitor."

Akane, seeing the creature at last, gasped and squealed, "Kawaii!" It was no more than two feet high, had the shape of a tyrannosaur, and looked quite agitated as it wriggled around in its captor's grasp.

"Hmm, I had thought that these things were extinct..." Katsuhito mused.

"_Gon_!" The small dinosaur quipped.

"Oh! How adorable!" Aeka tittered. "I think we shall keep him... but what should we name him?"

"_Gon_!" The dinosaur roared.

"I don't know, Aeka chan." Akane pondered. "Maybe... T chan?"

"_Gon_!"

"No, no. That doesn't really suit him..." Aeka said.

"_Gon_!"

The two girls regarded the dinosaur curiously. "Now what would be a good name?"

"_Go---n!!!"_

- - -

The nude redhead shoved her quarry against the onsen wall and stared furiously into the tremulous sea of his eyes. "Now," the goddess growled threateningly, "What is your name?"

The pigtailed martial artist glanced from side to side, desperate for escape. "R-Ra-Ranma! I-I'm just a humble, lost martial artist..."

A blue-skinned goddess in the cold-water bath laughed harshly. "Yeah, right! We met a 'humble, lost martial artist' a few weeks ago; we're not buying that one again."

"Quiet, Skadi." The redhead shot back. "This fool is mine to handle!"

"'Handle,' indeed, Freyja." Skadi retorted. "You needn't be so discreet; we all know your reputation."

Another goddess, who was currently stroking the handle of a large battle-axe, smirked as she replied, "Well, you're one to talk, Skadi. After dumping Freyja's dad for Ull..."

"Skeggiold, you know I was tricked into marrying Njord! I had every right..."

Freyja grunted irritably and began to rise into the air, Ranma still in hand. "Those baka won't stop for anything." She turned back to Ranma and batted her eyelashes heavily. "Now--Ranma, was it?--why don't we go somewhere more private?"

"Why don't we _not_?!" Ranma replied before being engulfed in a pink mist. After the brume dissipated, the pigtailed martial artist found himself in a rather luxurious bedroom, with the goddess, Freyja, lying seductively on the bed in an ornate red silk robe. "Uh..."

Freyja moved her index finger in small circles on the bed as she gazed hungrily at her prey. "You know, it's been _so_ long since I've been in the company of a living man."

"Oh, really?" Ranma asked nervously. "Well... huh... that's too bad."

"It's been so hard to be... content... since my late husband disappeared." The goddess continued. "He left on an errand one day, but never returned afterward. I searched all the planes of existence looking for him, but never did find him."

Ranma looked around the room casually, looking for any way out. There wasn't even a door. "Wow. Maybe he's related to Ryouga, and got lost?"

The goddess completely missed the reference and kept on speaking. "I've had to settle for making a deal with the Valkyries that I get to keep half of the men killed in battle. I may get plenty of quantity, but there's just not that much quality in dead warriors!"

For some odd reason, Ranma found himself feeling sympathetic for the beautiful redhead. "Wow... that's really tragic. I thought my life was bad, but to be deprived of such a basic right!" Ranma almost immediately began questioning why he had said such a ridiculous thing. It wasn't as if HE'D ever had any urge to merge.

Freyja leaped from the bed, and into Ranma's arms. "Oh, I knew you'd understand!" She nuzzled the young man's cheek and her hands crept across his back exploratory. "Such a young, handsome, strong man as you can certainly help solve my problems."

"Oh, yeah!" Ranma said enthusiastically. "I-I-I'd love to help you find your husband!"

The goddess lost her grip on Ranma and tumbled to the floor. "That's not the problem I was talking about, baka!" She stood up and stared vehemently into her quarry's eyes. "I meant that I want you to love my body _up_ and _down_!"

Ranma's jaw dropped. "Wh-what?! I... I can't do that! I got a fiancée!"

Freyja frowned. "Fiancée, eh?! So, what? I need love more than she does!" The goddess' body began to glow a hot pink. "Now, you're going to canoodle with me if it's the last thing you do!"

The martial artist could feel his resolve enervating. "B-but... it _will_ be the last thing I do! A-A-Akane would kill me." Sweat had begun to bead on his forehead.

Freyja began to glow brighter, and her aura started to caress the young man. "What! You think I'm not worth it?" She adopted an alluring pose, and began to slip her robe off to show a little skin.

Ranma, at that point, began to seriously Freak Out. "No! It's not that... just that... I... you... _Gaaaah_!" He collapsed onto the floor, clutching at his head in agony.

The goddess approached the pigtailed martial artist and produced an oblong, yellow fruit. "Now, Ranma, get ready to experience the Ultimate Technique of the Love Deity School. Reitedar Lemonfan Fix!!!" With that cry, she stabbed the now-glowing fruit into her victim's forehead.

"No! What... are you... doing to me!" Ranma stammered. Bizarre images of himself in lewd situations with various girls were forcing themselves into his head: images of Akane and him in the bath, Nabiki and him in a clothing store, of all places, and, most horrifying of all, Tatewaki and him-as-her in a room involving an oddly shaped bokken. Other twisted images involving others also came unbidden: the three Tendo sisters "bonding," A violet-haired woman and a little, black-haired boy committing questionable acts, and even a pale, cyan haired woman, a purple-haired woman, a blonde, a girl with green markings on her forehead, and Washu all getting to know each other better.

"Now isn't that better, Ranma? Hmm? Don't you think so?" The goddess cocked her head at the struggling martial artist.

"Argh! All... these... images! Must... not... be... tempted! Must... talk... like... William Shatner!" Ranma doubled over on the floor, the hentai images filling his brain as the deity of love looked on. Horrible scenes involving a black bandanna-clad pig, a bespectacled duck, and a panda doing... things with a vulgar message-bearing sign enveloped his thoughts. Finally he screamed out in agony as he witnessed himself in a threesome from hell with dual two-foot-tall, wrinkled ghouls.

Struggling on the marble floor beneath a cackling goddess, Ranma desperately tried to collect his thoughts. I've got to stop this! I won't let her do this! Ranma's anger rose, and the scenes in his mind blurred and shifted like a television experiencing interference. His eyes widened, but shut quickly as the painful visions returned, even more harshly. How did I do that? I got angry?

Finally realizing the solution, Ranma struggled to envision something to get under his own skin. However, he couldn't remove the assault of nightmarish head trips. Why can't I think of something? Stupid lemon... lemon? That's it! Those dumb perverted fanfictions! I can use them against it!

At last, Ranma thought of Ryoga-buta in bed with Akane. However, the image swirled in his mind as the hentai powers of the magical sour fruit warped it into a hazy picture of a nude, over-endowed Akane vigorously rubbing the small black pig against... her... !

_Ryouga temee! I'll kill the little hentai! He can't do that_! Ranma's anger shattered the mental pictures like a glass window. He stood up, concentrating his ki to attack his phantasmal opponent.

Meanwhile, Freyja, witnessing this upheaval, stepped back. "He broke the spell! But how? Only one other person has ever done that since... ever!"

"_Ryogaaa_!" Ranma was in a blind rage, and his ki responded. Swirling and growing around him like a flame spreading across the surface of oil; it enveloped the room and the unfortunate goddess, who, due to her divinity, only lost her shirt.

"Now now, calm down R-Ranma! This isn't the sturdiest of dimensions! You don't want to end up in nonexistence, do you?" Her voice failing, the matriarch of all love and affection pleaded with the raving martial artist.

Suddenly, Kai Ou's voice emanated in Ranma's out-of-control mind. "Use the lemon, Ranma! Trust in the lemon!" Obeying, Ranma focused all of his anger, all of his destructive, fire-like ki on the yellow fruit in his forehead. The magical produce absorbed all of the ki, and slowly liquefied. The saffron liquid dripped down his face, redistributing his harsh ki. Ranma felt all of his power return to himself, and began to calm down.

Falling back on his rear, he took a deep breath and exhaled the last of the angry ki. "Well, how about that? You gave me a lemon and I made lemonade." He said to a shirtless goddess, who groaned at the stupid pun.

"Great. Just great. It's not easy to make lemons like that, you know! One has to have a good imagination, not to mention some kind of experience, or the thing just turns out convoluted and weak!" she ranted, partially to herself. However, she ceased her rodomontade and looked up at Ranma. "Aren't you excited, or at least embarrassed to see me like this?" She questioned the recovering martial artist.

"No, not really. I'm used to it." He got up and looked at his hands, as many people seem to do when contemplating their own power. _Did I do it? Did I do the Kai Ou Ken? It didn't feel like I got stronger... Maybe I'll go ask the ol' catfish._ He began to walk off, but was stopped by Freyja's sultry voice.

"And just where are you going? I'm not done with you, little man. I mean, you went and got me ready and everything." She jiggled her assets at the retreating martial artist, who just turned and stated nonchalantly:

"Oh no, I've gotta be going, but I can refer you to someone who's REAL good with this kinda thing. He's quite the lingerie connoisseur, and no matter how many times he 'explodes', he keeps coming back for more!" Ranma said, waggling his eyebrows.

"Ooh, tell me more! He's good-looking, isn't he?"

"Well, let's just say women chase him left and right!" Ranma tried hard not to laugh.

- - -

A single tree disrupted the otherwise flat, grassy field. A slight breeze ruffled the long, unkempt weeds as a young man with unkempt hair hobbled along, leaning on a failing stick with each step.

"Where are you?" He whispered, unable to catch his breath enough to speak beyond a raspy sigh. Finally, the failing stick collapsed beneath him. Losing his only support, the young man let himself fall to the ground, welcoming the soft embrace of the tall grass. "Maybe... I'll take a nap now..."

The breeze picked up again as he lay, motionless. Soon, some of the field's denizens took notice.

"Hey Boss! Looka this guy! He looks like he's hurt or something." A tiny voice squeaked above the quiet breeze.

"Wha? Oh yeah, he doesn't look too good. It's really none of our business though. Mebbe we should just leave em alone?" A deeper voice croaked in response.

"No way! We've gotta help him! It's the right thing to do!" The higher voice squealed.

- - -

"A..Akane-san..." Ryouga awoke from his slumber. He tried to rise, but found he couldn't move a muscle. Panicking, he looking around at his surroundings. He was in a tiny cave that could barely contain him. The smell of droppings pervaded his senses as he struggled to get free.

"Hey hey hey! Quit moving around so much! You're too hurt!" The same squeaking from before startled the bandanna-clad boy.

"What? Who's there? Lemme go! Hey!" Ryouga looked down at himself to find he was bound by an uncountable amount of tiny ropes. Even his hands were tied, preventing him from Bakusai Tenketsuing the petite cave.

"It's just us Hamuchanra!" Another tiny voice squealed. However, everyone in America who read the fanfiction somehow derived the term Ham-Hams from it...

"Hamuchanra da ka? Whatever, just let me go! I'm not hurt!" Ryouga struggled against the strings binding him. However, they were excellently made, and resisted each and every attempt to break free.

"Come on now, quit it! We won't be able to help you if you keep moving 'round!"

"Il faut que vous vous reposiez..." a small, white rodent began to say as it hopped on the young man's chest.

"Augh! Y-you're a talking hamster!?" Ryouga convulsed with surprise, causing l'hamster blanc to fall from her perch.

"Bijou!" The Hamuchanra screeched as they all leapt to catch her. An orange and white one managed to pluck her out of the air and land her safely on the ground. "Are you okay, Bijou?"

"Fils d'une garce!" The Bijou said under her breath before turning to the other, saying, "Oh, but of course, Hamutarou, I am just fine."

Ryouga shook his head despairingly. "Stuck in a hollowed out tree with a bunch of talking-hamster-freaks-of-nature... I'm so... damn... depressed..." his shoulders began to shake violently.

"Hey, hey, there's no need to get all bummed out, dude." A striped hamster assuaged.

"Hey," a hamster that somehow got its hands on an extremely tiny pair of glasses interrupted. "Is it just me, or was Snoozer here just a second ago?" He gestured toward an empty floor.

"So... damn... _depressed_!" Ryouga cried as a heavy, yellow aura formed around him. "Perfect Shi Shi Hokou Dan!"

Working on her homework, a young girl with short reddish-brown hair looked up from her studies to see, through the window, a tree in a field not far away erupt in a pillar of yellow light. She gasped at the cloud of debris that resulted from the strange explosion. Not wanting to get involved, she tried to ignore the odd phenomena and returned to her homework. However, she then found that the large hamster cage to her side was eerily empty. Her pet hamster did escape from time to time, but she had a bad feeling about this one.

The next day, the popular children's show, Hamutarou, was canceled, to be replaced by Super Snoozer's Comedy Hour.

To be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________

How many series has that been? Let's see... 10, I believe. Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, Fushigi Yûgi, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Dragonball, Trigun, Urusei Yatsura, Aa! Megami Sama, Hamutarou, and Gon. And we haven't even gotten started yet! Well, I suppose, technically, we have gotten started...


	6. Chapter 5

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and hardly at all Houston Fryer

Disclaimer: Me no claim people in story. Me claim only story itself. Me want hamburger.

Chapter 5:

"Good job, you've done quite well. You've passed the test, incorporating the lemon into your body. I hope that wasn't TOO agonizing, there." Kai Ou snorted. "It's time now to learn how to perform the Kai Ou Ken."

"Alright! Show me how it's done; I might just be able to mimic you." Ranma excitedly asked of the catfish-like Lord of Worlds.

"Err, uhh, I can't." Kai Ou stuttered suddenly.

"You can't? Whaddya mean you can't?"

"I, err, just can't, alright?" The Lord of Worlds was clearly flustered. "Get Goku to show you how if you think you can copy it 'just like that.'"

"Um, okay. Where is he, anyway?"

"He got tired of waiting on you and went to go eat or fight or something like that. I swear to me, he is just so impatient sometimes." Kai Ou polished his glasses. "Of course, I could find him easily."

Kai Ou then turned to the right and looked into the sky. "Let's see, there's Daikai Ou no hoshi. Yep, just as I thought." He then appeared to be in deep thought for a short time, then turned back to Ranma. "He'll be here soo-"

Suddenly, Kai Ou was interrupted by the flash of light announcing Son Goku's arrival.

"Hey, Ranma! I heard you finished your training!" Goku then got real close to the pigtailed martial artist, and whispered to him, "So, did you do it?"

"Do what?" Ranma was temporarily dumbstruck. "Oh, that. No, I didn't." He scowled at the extremely high-voiced man.

"Really? Hey Kai Ou, he didn't get any either!" Goku shouted to the dismay of Kai Ou.

"Shut up! It's not one of my most liked memories!" Kai Ou sulked. "And that's saying a lot from someone who's lived countless eons!"

"Aw come on, Kai Ou! We can't all be short, blue catfish-like men!" Goku jibed.

"I said be quiet! She doesn't like short men, that's all." Kai Ou turned around. "You have no room to talk, Goku. I mean, you're married, for my sake!"

"Well that's all fine and dandy, but what about the Kai Ou Ken?" Ranma was getting impatient.

"Oh yeah, Kai Ou wanted me to come to show you that!" Goku said. "Now, since Kai Ou's _never done it before_," He shouted at the abashed ruler of the North Quadrant. "I can explain it to you."

- - -

The XGP15A-II was, without contest, the most advanced ship in the galaxy. A result of secret cooperation between the Space Forces and the Pirate Guilds, it was built for the express purpose of finding the Galactic Leyline, and sported all of the latest in technological advances. Currently, it found itself being forced into a barely-controlled emergency landing by a particularly offensive ship piloted by equally offensive (especially in the odor department) Kai Pirates.

"Holy freakin' crap, Gene!" The young pilot know as Jim cursed as they hit a particularly rough bit of turbulence in the atmosphere of the unknown planet in which they were attempting to lose the Pirates. "I don't know how long the Outlaw Star can handle this!"

"Don't worry!" The red-haired captain replied. "We already took out five of their ships on this little joy-ride; I'm sure she can hold up long enough for us to lose 'em on the planet's surface."

Suzuka scowled back at Gene. "Do you _really_ think we can just _lose_ them like that?"

"Really!" Aisha Clan-Clan responded. "They've got Tao Masters on that ship! It's not like it's gonna be too damn hard for them to track us down."

"Ummm..." Gene started, just as a well-aimed shot from the Kei Pirates sent the Outlaw Star into a spiraling nose-dive. "Okay, maybe you're right..."

Meanwhile, back at the shrine...

"Oh, hell no!" Ryouko cursed as she saw a flaming ball of wreckage heading toward the lake. "I was hoping Mihoshi's 'good-landing streak' would last a _little_ longer."

"What do you mean, Ryouko?" The bubbly blonde asked the cyan-haired woman. "I landed well for the fourth consecutive time just thirty minutes ago..."

Ryouko, Aeka, Akane, and Tenchi, all currently gathered on the porch with Katsuhito, stared at the GP Officer with horror evident on their faces. "But if you're here," Akane spoke up, "Who's that crashing into the l--" the rest of her question was cut off as the XGP15A-II caused a powerful blast of water to wash over them.

Katsuhito recovered from the mishap first. Spitting water, he declared sagely, "Something is most definitely not right, here." This statement was further confirmed as a gigantic ship descended from the clouds. Writing off the fact that there were no clouds at all twenty seconds ago, he readied himself for action. "And I'd advise you youngsters to do the same."

They don't know what you're talking about, Katsuhito. I'm the narrator.

"Oops. Ready yourselves for action, youngsters (Gawd, that sounds, like, so corny and old-like)." Katsuhito shouted, his... *ahem,* muttered aside not audible.

Akane leapt to her feet. "Alright, Ojiisan, I can take these guys, no prob."

Ryouko snorted as she transformed her clothing into her skin-tight battle outfit that provided less protection than her kimono. "Yeah, sure you can. Why don't you go knock on their door and see if they'll come out and play nice?"

"Don't be such a bitch." Aeka retorted. Gasping and covering her mouth, she revised her previous statement. "I mean, you should not be so rude to Akane chan, though I suppose politeness is a bit too much to expect from a demon..."

"Quiet, you two." Tenchi said as the enormous spacecraft settled down on the ground. Simultaneously, five people could be seen dragging each other out of the remarkably-still-full lake. "Ryouko, Aeka, go see if those people over there are okay, or if they're potentially dangerous. Ojiisan, Akane, and I will see what those people in the ship want."

As the three people approached the craft, a hatch opened on its side, and a young man with long, purple hair, tapered ears, and a haughty air about him stepped out with his hands positioned in front of him oddly. "Greetings, natives. I am known as Vyers, the Dark Adoni—"

Vyers was interrupted as Ryouko shouted from the lake, "You're Mid-Boss!"

"M-M-M-Mid-Boss?" Mid-Boss stuttered, "How dare—a?"

"So, Mid-Boss, what is it that you want?" Akane interrogated hotly.

"My name is _not_ Mid-Boss, it's the Dark Adon--"

"Mid-Boss, I feel that you are becoming hostile toward us." Katsuhito interrupted. "I must warn you, if you attempt to attack us, we are well equipped to defend ourselves..."

Mid-Boss shuddered with barely repressed rage. "Damn that Laharl..."

"_What was that_?!" Aisha shouted as she and her shipmates approached the Tao Master.

"I _said_ Laharl, not Ctarl-Ctarl!" Mid-Boss responded. "Oh, enough of this. Kei Ninjas, _attack_!" With his single command, approximately fifty black-and-grey-clad soldiers, their faces adorned with ghoulish masks, flooded out of the ship.

Akane immediately summoned her red shield (of doom), and plowed through her attackers like a... plow, I guess, through snow. Anyway, she headed directly for Mid-Boss, shouting, "Alright, you obstacle midway through a game, I'm gonna take you down!"

The Tao Master smirked confidently as he raised his left hand, which glowed with an aethereal light. "Oh, is that so? Megaton Crush!"

Tiny spheres of light gathered above his hand, combining to form a large glowing orb in his hand. Thrusting his hand at the ground separating himself and Akane, he sent the ball of energy careening in the indicated direction. Just as Akane was about to reach him, the ball exploded in the ground, sending her flying back in the path from which she came.

"Akane chan!" Tenchi rushed to his cousin's side, but she jumped right up, almost knocking the Juraijin off his feet.

"Don't worry about me, Tenchi! This guy is nothing!" She rushed back toward Mid-Boss, who jumped back and kicked at her. Ducking beneath the kick, she delivered a series of punches and kicks to his midsection, and then spun around to perform a roundhouse kick. However, Mid-Boss recovered quickly from the assault and grabbed her face, interrupting her kick.

"So, you think you can defeat _moi_?" He said with a sneer on his face. Pushing her down, he quickly readied another sphere of energy. This time, however, Akane expeditiously stood up and thrust her crimson Jurai aura into the reoccurring enemy, sending him reeling.

"Yeah, I think I might give it a try!" The martial artist Juraijin laughed as her opponent was sent flying a great distance. However, in mid-flight, Mid-Boss spun in mid-air to assume a graceful landing mid-way to the lake. Growling, he charged at Akane, but before reaching her, jumped into the air and dived at her with a kick aimed at her face. She mercurially caught the kick and flung her assailant into the ground behind her.

She paused for a moment to observe her family's defense against the horde of ninja/soldier/robots, and was surprised to see the group of strangers who had also arrived helping them against the onslaught of soldier/robot/ninjas. She turned back to her own opponent, who had rebounded from her attack and had already lashed out with another energy ball. Unable to form a defense, she took it head on. The blast rammed into her, causing her to cry out in pain.

_So that's what a ki blast feels like!_ Akane groaned internally. Opening her eyes, she realized that the pointy-eared monster was storming her. It only took another moment for her to realize that the last attack had completely disintegrated her shirt. _He-he... __**hentai**__!_

Punching at the shorthaired girl, Mid-Boss only felt the cool, hard embrace of the dirt as she rolled away and, focusing her ki and Jurai energy together as she stood, formed a replica of her preferred weapon.

"_Oni no Buranko_!" Grabbing the aethereal handle of the ki mallet she had conjured, she swung with almost-demonic might at the Tao Master. Screaming a girly scream of girliness, he was bashed into the ground by the energy hammer. As Akane lost her concentration, the hammer dissipated, leaving the purple-haired man face-down in the earth, cracks highlighting his prone form.

Exhaling heavily, she looked toward her family, expecting them to still be busy with the last few robot/ninja/soldiers. However, she was surprised to see that they were standing alone in the grass surrounding the pond. Apparently, the ninja/soldier/robots had left to see a concert with the floating, disembodied head of Colonel Sanders singing "Everything You Know Is Wrong." But that's for another day...

- - -

"Yoo-hoo, oh Ranma cha~n!"

Ranma tried to quiet her panicked breathing; however, she found that the fear within her heart had taken too much control over her. _Damn Kai Ou! Damn him to HFIL! In fact, just damn him to Hell! I'll throw 'im there myse-- _Her mind froze as she felt a pressure on her breasts.

"Hey, Ranma chan!" The curly-haired blond man, who was currently fondling her breast from the top of the wall behind her, said, "How 'bout training with me today?"

"NOOOOOOO!" The now-female martial artist screamed as she blasted away the man who now held her last shirt in his hands. _A world populated by martial artist males over a thousand years old, and Kai Ou has to splash cold water on me! 'It'll help you learn the Kai Ou Ken faster,' he says! Geez!_

- - -

"So ya see, we just had to make an emergency landing. In your lake, that is... So," The red-haired space captain got down on his knees, crying beguiling tears, "Could you please, please, _please _let us stay here? Just for a while?"

An apparently old, long-haired man pondered this request. He then looked up with furrowed brow and said, "You did bring us a great deal of trouble, especially with those pirates of yours," His face took on a lighter appearance, "However, it wouldn't be the first time we took someone in like you."

Katsuhito turned to his family members. "Of course, this will push the number of people living here above the amount of rooms we have. I don't think any of you will have a problem with a temporary roommate, right?"

"Oh, not at all, Gramps! Not at all!" The cyan-haired woman fawned over Gene, to his not-completely-hidden satisfaction. The others gave their approval with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

"What's this? Hmm? You don't want Tenchi anymore, but this man instead? Oh yes, I do believe that's what you're implying, Ryouko!" A purple haired alien princess cooed in a sing-song tone.

"Sure I do." Ryouko grabbed Tenchi and Gene, nuzzling them both. "We c'n have a threesome!" Tenchi was already struggling to release himself from the woman's deceptively strong vice grip, but Gene only joined him in the effort after hearing her amorous comment.

"You beast! Release MY Tenchi! You can have your dirty space pirate! You two would be a perfect fit for each other, anyway!" Aeka squalled.

"Hey, who's a dirty space pirate? I resent that remark!" Gene shouted.

"Don't talk about my men like that, bitch!"

"Ryoukooooo! Let me go!"

"Ooh, a brawl! Lemme in, I wanna fight too!" A furry cat-like woman screeched with a cracking voice as she jumped right into the middle of the ensuing melee. Everyone else simply shook their collective head at the entanglement of human and humanoid anatomies.

As they both watched the group struggle, Washu edged closer to Jim. Finally, she got within earshot. "Is that an aether engine?" She asked, motioning to the XGP15A-II.

Blinking for a moment, he responded, "Yeah, yeah it is. Why?"

"You don't have a gravitonic combiner."

"A what?" Jim hadn't heard such a phrase in his life.

Washu sighed, "An aether engine can only reach about 3% capacity without a gravitonic combiner. Aether particles pair up with gravitons in space to release energy and produce thrust. However, gravitons are somewhat rare in the subatomic sense, there being only about 4 billion per square inch. A gravitonic combiner collects gravitons from all around a starship for use in pairing them up with aether particles, increasing total thrust several times over."

Jim was dumbfounded. "You mean we've only been going at 3 percent?"

"That's right. Only 3 percent."

"That's weird. I could've sworn that by using a negative polarity around the aether engine, it would gather enough gravitons as it was. I mean, excluding the occasional aether anomaly, we should be grabbing all the gravitons within a 5,000 meter radius of our ship."

"5,000 meters? Hah! Things like that are why I invented gravitonic combiners! They gather and compress the gravitons from over 467,000 meters away, and do it almost instantaneously. You can't do better than that." cackled Washu.

"I don't suppose you could show me one of your inventions? I'd love to see what this baby of ours could do with one of those on it."

"Of course I can. If, however, and only if you call me Washu chan!"

"Alrighty then, Washu chan! Let's go see!" The two walked toward the house spouting techno-babble that even I wouldn't be able to understand. Tenchi-tachi watched them walk off with disbelieving stares.

"Hmmm... so I take it you're a swordsman?" Suzuka asked of Katsuhito, gesturing at the bokken that still hung from his waist.

"Why, yes, I am." The man replied. "I can see by the way you move that you are also a skilled swordswoman, yourself. Perhaps we could spar sometime."

Akane, meanwhile, had scooted next to Melfina. "So, this... Gene Starwind guy... he's not a... you know... hentai?"

Melfina smiled pleasantly, in a way that didn't remind Akane of Kasumi, and responded, "Why, yes he is. How could you tell?"

The shorthaired, violent, uncute, unsexy, macho, waistless, breastless... *ugh, ooof*

"Why, the fiancée of the biggest teenage hentai in Japan ought to be able to tell such things, said the beautiful, curvilinear, buxom, and perfectly feminine young lady."

Back in Nerima, Divine Retribution was interrupted expeditiously by the executor's sudden urge to sneeze.

Melfina cocked her eyebrow. "Ummm, did you just narrate yourself?"

Akane scowled... which looked VERY becoming on her, and stated, "The author obviously has been hanging around with a certain fiancée of mine..."

"...and you just said 'fiancée.' Shouldn't it be 'fiancé,' with an 'e?'" Melfina continued.

"No, she must be a girl right now." Akane reciprocated.

_'Right now?'_ the artificial woman thought. _What have we gotten ourselves into?_

to be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________

Well, you can't say that it couldn't happen, right? A lemon, c'mon! It's classic! Anyway, the story should be picking up in the next chapter, when we'll bring Ranma back from training, meet the DBZers proper, and maybe even take a little trip through time... NEXT TIME, on The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossove~r!


	7. Chapter 6

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and the slacker, Houston Fryer

Disclaimer: MINE! All MINE! You cannot even comprehend the mineness of this story and ALL of its characters. The others may have been fooled into believing those lies, but you and I... we know!

Chapter 6:

Bulma, whose name was supposed to be a pun on "bloomers," but now it's not, set the table. "Come on, Vegeta! It's been almost three years since Son kun died fighting Cell; you could at least get out of the Gravity Room to say 'hello' when he gets here."

"So tell me when he gets here, woman!" came the haughty reply. "I won't be interrupted just because 'Mr. Super Saiyajin' comes back to life for a day. Nor am I interested in this kid he's bringing with him."

"Don't be such a hard-ass! Life is much better if you lighten up, you know?" Bulma shouted through the door. Sighing, she went over yesterday's events in her mind. She had been serving Trunks' lunch when Son contacted her and the others through Kai Ou. Apparently, he was returning for a day to bring some kid he and Kai Ou had been _training back to Earth. She glanced up at the clock. Half past two. He should be here any minute._ She thought.

She walked out to the garden and greeted the other Z Senshi. Everyone had made it there, even Tenshinhan and Chiaotsu. Suddenly, a robot hailed her and informed her that someone had arrived, with a friend. Everyone's face brightened, and they all ran to the door. Bulma quickly pressed a button, and the door slid up to reveal two young men and a young woman. The shorter man was wearing a white sleeveless t-shirt with jeans and had slicked-back hair, while the taller man had orange poufy hair, an exceedingly homely expression, and was wearing a windbreaker with sweatpants. The young woman had long brown hair, and was garbed in a white blouse and black skirt.

The shorter man began in a very rough dialect, "Hey, I'm Urameshi Yusuke; sorry for the interruption and all, but c'n we use your phone?"

Bulma's face visibly darkened at the three unexpected visitors. "Sure, come on in; the phone is in the kitchen." She turned back to her friends. "Sorry guys, false alarm." They all turned and began to walk back to the garden, but then another visitor buzzed. Bulma excitedly turned around and opened the door to reveal a group of people standing at her doorway.

An old man in a gi top and a hakama, accompanied by a similarly dressed girl with short hair, were at the front. A pair of women appeared to be fighting over a young man who didn't seem to be enjoying the struggle, and, behind them, a young girl with long blue hair was speaking to a woman who was apparently older than her conversation partner, but of nearly the same stature. At the back of the menagerie, a group of people with very diverse appearances, among them a young woman who had the features of a cat, an older—_ouch_—a-not-quite-so-old—_my head_—a perfectly young woman dressed in an elaborate kimono, wielding a long bokken at her side, a young boy in a blue jacket with khaki pants, a young woman in a blue blouse-like shirt with black pants, and finally, a man with deep crimson hair.

"We're terribly sorry for the intrusion upon your modest home, but I'm afraid we must ask to use your phone." The old man requested.

"Sure, it's in the kitchen, come right on in, don't be shy!" Bulma's temper was beginning to rise. As the massive group cowered off toward the kitchen she closed the door and turned back to her friends. Sighing, she motioned them back to the garden, where the three people from before were waiting.

"Thanks for letting us use your phone, but now we gotta wait for our ride. I hope you don't mind, do you?" The short man with greased-back hair asked of her.

"It's nothing; make yourselves at home." She managed a smile toward the three strangers. Soon after, the huge group finished using the phone, and came into the garden to introduce themselves.

And so, the group got to know one another. All the bad-asses engaged in bad-ass conversations, and the ones who were light-of-heart cringed away from Piccolo. Bulma, tiring of the unending introductions, cried out suddenly, "Oh, I think I hear the doorbell!" and dashed off.

As she ran into the lobby, the doorbell actually did ring, and she opened the door to reveal a group of young women, all garbed in matching outfits. As she laid eyes upon the peculiar group, they assumed poses.

"We are champions of love and defenders against evil!" They all shouted in unison.

"Sailor Moon!"

"Sailor Venus!"

"Sailor Mercury!"

"Sailor Mars!"

"Sailor Jupiter!"

"We're here to sell cookies to our loving customers—" The lead girl pointed across her arm, "—and that means you!"

Bulma just stared in disbelief.

"So, wanna buy some Sailor Scout Cookies?" Sailor Jupiter said earnestly.

Bulma reached for the "Close Door" button. But then, a rose whirled through the air, embedding itself in the wall between Bulma's hand and the button. She looked up with annoyed eyes to see a man outfitted in a tuxedo and top hat. He wore a white mask over his eyes. Standing on a wall, he began his monologue.

"Sailor Moon! How do you expect to sell cookies like that? You must mention the funding for your war on evil! You must speak not like a Sailor Scout, but like a businesswoman! Now, I take my leave in hopes that you will take my advice to heart!" The man jumped behind the wall, out of sight, and only the sound of a crash into trash cans indicated his presence at all.

"He's right! I can do it if I just put my mind to it!" Sailor Moon turned back... to a closed door. "Oh well," she sighed, "Let's try the next house."

Inside, Bulma was ready to commit homicide against the next person to ring the doorbell. Coincidentally, the doorbell rang. Resisting the urge to bring a knife with her, she walked up to the door and opened it. Her teenage future son stood on the doorstep, grinning as the door slid open.

"Hi, Mom. I would tell you why I'm here, but I'm sure my reason is as stupid and contrived as all the others'. Can I come in?"

"Of course, Trunks. Come on in. Everyone and their grandmother is in the garden." She said with a not-entirely unsarcastic tone.

"Right, I guess I'll be... in... there." He said as he dashed off toward said garden. Bulma was about to follow him when the doorbell rang again. Tearing out a good portion of her hair in the process, Bulma opened the door once again. A portly man in a karate gi stood on the doorstep. Behind him, a somewhat handsome man in a darker gi cried over an unknown reason. Two girls also greeted her at the door.

"Hello, I--" Genma began, but Bulma just grabbed him and the others, and, in a great feat of strength, tossed them into the garden. Introductions were liberally made in good measure.

Bulma went into the bathroom to take some aspirin, but before she could, a robot maid/butler thing informed her that another person was waiting for her. She stomped to the door, opened it, and screamed,

"No, you can't come in, No, we don't want any, and _no, you can't use the phone_!"

Son Goku was taken aback. "Um, sorry, Bulma." He then crouched down to Ranma and whispered something about her being in one of her moods and that they should probably go to his house.

"Oh... um, I didn't mean you, Goku. It's just that... well, we've been getting a lot of visitors lately. Including you two, there are about 40 people here right now." The violet-haired scientist explained.

"Wow, I didn't know I knew that many people!" Goku exclaimed. With that, he and Ranma waltzed into the garden behind Bulma.

"_Ranma_!" Akane shouted. "What are you doing here? ...and why are you dancing with that guy?!"

Ranma quickly let go of the spiky-haired Saiyajin. "A-Akane! I-i-it's not what it looks like."

Suddenly, and without warning, Shampoo, Ukyo, Tatewaki, and Kodachi burst through the ceiling. The okonomiyaki chef was accompanied by a man in a scaly kimono who wielded a battering ram, with which, it was assumed, he created the hole.

"So, Ranma, you be thinking you can meet Akane behind our backs?!" Shampoo asked harshly. "Well, I'm havin' gonna kick her ass up and down this here tree, 'n then I be marryin' _you_!" She made a gesture involving both an upraised index finger, and an upraised pinkie. "Beee-otch!"

The okonomiyaki chef spoke up next in a distinct Kansai accent, "That's right. Or did you forget about our radars, Ranchan?"

"Thou shalt feeleth mine own prowess in battle, now!" Tatewaki interjected. "Then I shall liberateth my fierce Tendo Akane kun, and the osage no onna, whom I shall then ravisheth with my hot body!"

Kodachi said nothing while she held up a syringe full of sedatives. "_Nothing_!"

"_Needle_!" Goku yelled as he hid behind Bulma.

Kuririn instantly smacked the needle out of the woman's hand and stomped on it fiercely. "Damn! Are you crazy, woman? Do you _want_ Goku to go into his Hariken Ken?"

Kodachi blinked blankly. "Yes; I don't know."

The short man with stubble protruding from his scalp slapped his forehead in exasperation. "Listen, Goku's Grandpa tried to teach Goku an ultimate technique that involved throwing him into a pit of used syringes. Now, whenever Goku sees a needle, he goes crazy with fear, and, when that fear reaches a peak, he becomes a needle to cope."

"A... needle?" The rhythmic gymnast asked, even more confused. "But, if he thinks he's an inanimate object, what's to fear?"

Kuririn harrumphed, "You try asking me that after you've been poked in the butt a few hundred times by that hair of his!"

"_Any_way!" Ranma shouted. "Back to _me_: the _main character_!"

"Oh, right!" Ukyo said. "Um, how about marrying me and moving into Maison Ikkoku?"

Ranma grinned with satisfaction. "Well, I gotta say 'no, thanks,' Ucchan. I'm grateful for ya askin', though."

"Hold up, Ranma!" Yusuke interjected. "I wanna see just how strong you've really gotten!" He smirked confidently.

Suddenly, Vegeta appeared. "So. These two rivals are going to fight for supremacy; most likely ending in a humiliating and bloody defeat for the loser? This... should be good."

Bulma shook her head irately. "It figures." Suddenly, the doorbell rang... again. "_Oh, God, no_!" She ran to the door, opened it, and, upon listening to the visitor's question, shouted, "_Furinkan High School_?! _Get a freakin' map_!"

Ranma turned around and sighed. "Oh... that must be Ryouga." He cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted, "_Oi, Ryouga_! _C'mon in here_!"

The bandanna-clad boy peeked around Bulma to see the source of this familiar voice. "Wha? Ranma? What are you doing here? And where is here?"

"I dunno, really. Goku led me here for some reason." Ranma shouted in response.

"Oh. What's a Goku?" Ryouga pushed past Bulma, to her disapproval.

"Hey, hey, hey! You can't just come in! Hey!" Grabbing Ryouga by the nape of his shirt, she began, "You wait for an invitation! There are too many people in here already!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'll come back later; you know, if I can find this place again..." The sullen boy moseyed toward the door.

"Oi!" Ranma ran into the lobby. "Don't just leave! I wanna introduce you to everyone! And I do mean EVERYONE! Okay, this is Bulma, and over here is..."

- - -

Three hours later, Ranma was lying on the artificial ground of the lush garden, out of breath. "...And that's everybody, I think."

"Was that really necessary, Ranma?" Ryouga asked of the pigtailed martial artist. "I mean, it's not like I'm gonna remember all those names."

"Yeah, you're probably right." Ranma jumped up. "So, what you wandering around here for?"

"Oh you know, just looking for you so we can figh- That's right! Ranma, I challenge you!"

Again, Vegeta appeared out of nowhere. "Ah, these two are finally going to settle their differences in a gruesome battle of epic proportions!" While he said so, glorious music sprang up to accompany his words.

"Um, no, not really, we just do it 'cause it's fun." Ranma looked around for the source of the strange melody.

"That doesn't matter, I'm going to pretend that it is like that." Vegeta said proudly.

"Prepare to _die_, Ranma!" Ryouga lunged at the pigtailed martial artist, who dodged with ease. Incredible ease, so much so as to startle Ranma into falling on his rear.

"Stop playing around!" The bandanna-clad boy again jumped at Ranma, who side-stepped nonchalantly. Ranma pressed a single finger to Ryouga's forehead, launching him into the far wall.

"_Hey_! Repairs aren't cheap, you know!" Bulma shouted over the commotion caused by the crowd's murmuring and the debris colliding with various things. Soon, shouting arose from the crowd, as some of the less savory individuals cheered for their favorites.

Finally, Ryouga arose from the wreckage. Geez, try saying that five times fast! Anyway, his shirt had been torn away by the impact, displaying the instability of over worn garments.

"How did you get so fast?! And... in such a short time?" The bandanna-clad boy was disconcerted at Ranma's increase in fighting ability.

"Ha! This is nothing! I haven't even started using the Kai Ou Ken!"

"Kai Ou Ken? What are you talking about? Tell me!" demanded Ryouga.

"Tell you? Maybe I should show you instead!" Ranma sunk low to the ground, his ki surging within his lithe frame. Ryouga wasn't very familiar with the particulars of sensing ki, but anyone with the slightest awareness of such things could easily perceive the huge boost in Ranma's fighting spirit. "_Kai Ou Ken_! _Times five_!"

Ryouga's expression changed from one of surprise to one of fear. _This can't be!_ He thought. _He's so damn powerful! This... isn't right! How did he do it?_

Suddenly, Piccolo appeared behind Ryouga. "It's the secret technique of the Lord of Worlds. It multiplies his strength, speed, and reflexes by each level."

The bandanna-clad boy turned around. "Who asked you?"

"Well, you know, I'm Piccolo and all. I have to explain it. That's just what I do."

"Whatever!" Ryouga charged Ranma once again, but this time, Ranma disappeared from sight, just when Ryouga's fist was mere millimeters away from his face. He reappeared behind him, and, with as little effort as possible, pounded Ryouga into the ground, leaving a sizable crater surrounding him.

Ryouga grunted and groaned as he struggled to pull himself up from his earthly prison of dirt and rock. _It's impossible! Not even Lime was this strong! And with that speed of his, there's no way at all I can win!_

"Quit it, Ranma! That's enough! You made your point; you're stronger than him!" Akane shouted from the sidelines. "Quit being such a show off!"

"You know, you're right, Akane. It'd just be cruel to keep this up." Ranma released his ki and took a deep breath, exhaling the last vestiges of the Kai Ou Ken.

_Cruel? I was his greatest rival in strength! And now it's 'cruel' for him to 'pick on me?'_ Ryouga still laid face down in the ground, being carefully observed by Vegeta.

"Come on, let's get something to eat, eh? Then maybe I'll spar with someone who can actually keep up!" Ranma suggested, elbowing Yusuke in the mid-section.

"Yeah, forget about that guy; he couldn't even see you." The ramen shop owner chortled in response. As Ryouga laid in the ground, he had a picnic table set up on top of him. The others ate the quickly prepared food without any notice, except for Vegeta, who had been pondering something about the bandanna-clad boy.

After the meal, when he finally got up, Ryouga started toward the door. _I guess I better go; these guys don't wanna play with a weakling like me anymore..._ However, before he could leave, he was approached by Vegeta.

"Hey, Ryouga, was it? You want to beat him, right?" He asked suddenly.

"Well, yeah, I s'pose that'd be pretty nice and all..."

"I'll train you. How does that sound?"

"You? But you don't seem that powerful at all, especially not compared to... him."

"Oh, that little BOY's pretty tough, but he's nothing compared to me. I could beat him easier, than, oh, say how easily he beat you," he gloated.

"R-Really? I never thought such strong guys would exist on Earth."

"Of course not, planet's full of weaklings. Why, if it wasn't for Kakarot and me living here, I bet there wouldn't have been a strong-enough earthling to kill a worm!"

"Um, O.K. So, when do we get started?"

"We get started now. Follow me," commanded the Saiyajin prince as he led Ryouga toward the gravity room. Snickering to himself, he thought, _All I have to do is get this kid strong enough to beat Kakarot's little protégé, then I'll prove to him that I'm the best, indirectly..._

As the massive group bid farewell to each other, Genma noticed a small frog with two peculiar antennae. Cocking his head at the strange amphibian, he saw that it seemed to be motioning to him. He walked over to the pond to find out just what it wanted.

_______________________________________________________________________

Well, that does it for Chp. 6! Curse my inability to type correctly! It's good that I know how to correct myself, or you might actually know what I'm talking about. Like tgis., see? Ica't seem to tpe corectly if i don;t use backspace a ltot. Oh, and in case you're wondering about Shampoo's method of speech in this chapter: well, Shampoo uses correct Japanese grammar, but she has the habit of putting "-aru" at the end of every sentence (which means "to have" or "to be"), even when there's already a verb right there. Also, combined with the harsh speech patterns that she uses, it would actually come out similarly to how it was in this chapter, though we exaggerated it a little bit for the... joke, as it were. After all, this is a fic primarily composed of jokes. At least it's not primarily composed of puns, for that would be pure pun-ishment. It just wouldn't be pun-ny at all. Even a pun-dit wouldn't be able to handle it; it would be so pun-gent... okay, I'll stop!


	8. Chapter 7

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and Houston Fryer

Disclaimer: The characters of Ranma 1/2, Tenchi Muyo, Fushigi Yûgi, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Dragonball, Trigun, Urusei Yatsura, Aa! Megami Sama, Hamutarou, Gon, Maison Ikkoku, Outlaw Star, and Sailor Moon are not ours. Neither are any of those that I might o' missed (would you really be able to tell?).

Chapter 7:

Cheers erupted from the four sides of the gigantic stadium as a tiny martial artist triumphed over another. High in the stands, three men sat together, conversing with his friends. Suddenly, a certain pigtailed martial-artist, looking over the results of the first match, spoke up.

"Wow! So this is the Tenkaichi Budoukai, huh?" Ranma asked excitedly. His face then became somewhat glum. "But... all these kids really suck."

Goku laughed at that. "Well, I doubt any of 'em will be joining OUR group. It's too bad. I was hoping this would get Gohan psyched about training again."

Yusuke nodded. "I'm the one who's psyched here. I'm finally gonna get to beat up on my second favorite punching bag!" He elbowed Ranma in the gut, who just sighed.

"We'll see who gets beat up on in... there... yeah..."

Down on the stage, Gohan had ascended the steps for his next match. _I still don't know why Otousan had to sign me up for this thing. I mean, it's his one day back from the dead, and I have to waste my time fighting. Oh, well, it's best to keep your dead ancestors happy. _He turned to watch his opponent stride toward the arena. _I just wish I didn't have to fight a girl in the semifinals._

The aforementioned girl took a straightforwardly offensive fighting stance. "Alright, Son kun, don't think that, just because I'm a girl, I'll let you go easy on me."

Gohan gulped. "Okay, Satan kun. If that's what you really want." He began to power up slowly to a level that, despite his words, would only be enough to knock her out with the flick of a finger. _That should be enough to convince her that I'm not holding back on her._

"_Fight_!" The Budoukai announcer shouted as he hopped out of the ring quickly. He _knew_ just whose son was fighting this round, and didn't want to be anywhere near the ring should it decide to get blown up again.

Videl rushed at Gohan faster than many adult black belts would be able to comprehend, but her forward momentum was abruptly cancelled as her opponent's finger found itself in the path of her forehead.

Gohan shook his head at the figure crumpled on the ground. "It's too bad. Against a normal human kid, she'd have done great." He then looked down at his chest, which was now bare. "Amazing, she even managed to rip off my shirt before I tagged her... it usually takes an average of twenty seven and forty three hundredths girls to do that."

With that, the final match of the semifinals was over. Gohan's next opponent, a kid with a green gi and a ridiculous, cone-shaped, blue mask on, strolled casually up to the arena. "Okay," he said in an obviously artificially deep voice. "Let's get this show on the road."

"Huh?" The announcer interjected. "But... Son kun, here, should have a break before fighting his next--"

"Screw that!" The fighter shouted, his voice slipping into a more natural range. "He didn't use any power at all! He's perfectly fine to fight me! Besides, I'm sure the folks up there are tired of waiting."

"True." The announcer conceded. "And we can't just go to a commercial break _now_... we just came back from one. Alright, if it's okay with Son kun."

"Hai." Gohan agreed, and dropped into a fighting stance. "I'm ready."

The masked fighter took a confident stance opposite him, but faltered when he eyed his foe's naked torso. "Oh... you already got it taken off... um," he glanced nervously around for a moment. "You know, on second thought, maybe we should take a break; you know, get this guy a new shirt, or somethin'..."

"No way!" Gohan responded. "You pressed this fight, now you're gonna take your medicine."

"'Take your...?' Are you sure you're Son Gohan?" The masked fighter asked.

"_Fight_!" The announcer shouted again, only to be trampled by an old, blue-clad ninja fighting what looked like a giant ogre with a boulder chained to its wrist. "Sub-Zero... Molock... I didn't mean... you..." he said weakly from the crater he now occupied.

Both Gohan and the masked boy stood completely still, as though they were just going to let eternity pass by. Each boy tried to sense the other's abilities, but Gohan was mystified at his opponent's complete lack of fighting power. _What the heck? Even those normal boys were stronger than this. _He thought.

Finally the masked boy leapt from his standpoint, and, in one swift motion, thrust his fist at Gohan's sternum. Startled at the boy's speed, but still keeping his guard, jumped back and flipped over the shorter boy. He then twisted his lower body to throw his foot in a horizontal crescent motion. To his surprise, the boy ducked under the kick and, in an unorthodox move, rolled under the young man's waist to propel his foot into Gohan's lower... erm... region. The powerful calcitration sent Gohan flying into the air. He quickly curled forward and held his... uh... groin while trying to keep his balance. Landing about twenty feet away from his opponent, who was making obscene references, he wobbled around.

"That's what these dumb things are for! I wish Otousan had told me this. Some training he gave me..." He recovered finally, "I guess later on I'll just have to cut it off."

"What?" The other boy was mystified. "I didn't hit you... there!"

"What are you talking about? It's my tail you hit! And it hurts like nothing else! Dumb thing grew back again..."

The young masked boy stared in disbelief. Finally shaking his confusion, he rushed at Gohan once more. This time, however, he immediately jumped in mid-run to launch a flying kick at the Saiyajin. Gohan just put his hand up and released a small ki blast into his opponent's torso. Said opponent did not anticipate the attack, and, with a small explosion, akin to a single stick of dynamite, he regretted it. The shock sent him reeling towards the edge of the ring. However, he flipped in mid-air and levitated above the ground. Gohan gazed with amazement at his airborne opponent.

"You can fly?" He sputtered.

"Not only fly, I can do this too!" The floating boy put his hands together and released a large ki ball towards the center of the ring. Gohan deftly dodged, however, and, in a flash of golden light, reappeared next to his opponent. Before he could react, Gohan kicked him into his own attack. With a huge resounding crack, the ball burst and released all of its energy on its owner. The crowd gasped and shrieked at the giant explosion that nearly engulfed the ring.

Slowly, the smoke subsided to reveal the boy standing, albeit without his mask or shirt. Gohan, back in his normal form, darted forward to meet his rival. But, he was aghast to find a little purple-haired boy coughing in the haze.

"T-Trunks? Is that you?" He asked of the boy, who, hearing his name, looked up with a startled expression of his own. His eyes drifted from the young man to his own mangled gi. The mask, it appeared, had been completely vaporized in the blast.

"Y-y-yeah, it's me." He finally stammered. "I came here from the future to compete in the Tenkaichi Budoukai."

"You're from the future? But, you're supposed to be older! Like, eighteen or something."

"What are you talking about? I'm just eight-year-old Chibi Trunks. I dunno where the nickname came from, but everyone calls me by it, so it just stuck. I'm not really that little."

"Oh, is that so? Well, we can talk about it some other time. Now that I've got a worthy opponent, I think I'm beginning to enjoy this little altercation!" Gohan sank into a familiar stance. The crowd went wild as they looked upon the same foot and hand position they had come to know from previous tournaments. Chibi Trunks, too, noticed the stance. His eyes widened as Gohan uttered the first syllable and his ki began to rise exponentially. His mouth fell slightly open as Gohan's hair changed from its jet black color to a bright gold. Each strand shot up as though being pushed by a strong updraft, then, accompanied by tiny arcs of lightning criss-crossing across his body, they became rigid.

"_Ka...Me...Ha...Me..._" Far up in the stands, Ranma leaned forward as he sensed the great boost in Gohan's ki. He recognized this attack from a couple of sparring matches he had had with Son Goku, as bored martial artists tend to do, but he hadn't seen it elevated to this level of power. He watched in amazement as his ki shot skyward, far surpassing his power several hundred times over. He looked at his friend and teacher, but they weren't near as amazed as he was. Yusuke just kept his smirk, and Son Goku looked on with his dopey smile.

"Not bad," Goku began, "but he's still not much stronger than when he fought Cell."

_Not... bad? Who are these people?_ He thought in utter shock. Clearly, these people were in a league of their own.

"_Haaaaaa_!" The thundering war-cry of the young Saiyajin drew Ranma's eyes back to the ring. He beheld a massive horizontal pillar of blue light rocketing towards the younger Saiyajin. Trunks assumed the state of Super Saiyajin and darted out of the way. In shock at both the direction of his attack and his own lack of anticipating this situation. Pulling his hands up, he redirected the huge blast into space.

Everyone in the stadium was speechless, especially the section of the crowd that the attack was heading for. The announcer, finally looking up from behind the edge of the ring, he gawked at the two fighters. Looking closer, his eyes widened. Then, grabbing his microphone off the ground he shouted into it with all his might: "_Out of the ring_! The winner is Mighty Mask!"

"What?!?" Gohan looked around himself to see that his ki had obliterated the part of the ring on which he was standing. His mouth dropped as he realized he was indeed on the ground. Dropping his ki, and with it, his Super Saiyajin state, he jumped back into the ring to await the descending Trunks.

Ranma gawked dumbfoundedly. "Wh... gh... ugh?"

"Yeah, you got that right," Yusuke agreed, a smirk spreading across his face. "That's some awesome power right there. Maybe even more than when I'm in my transformed state."

Ranma turned an incredulous gaze upon the shopkeeper and opened his mouth to speak.

"That's absolutely right!"

The three men looked to their left. A tall man with brown hair and a pacifier in his mouth stood with his hands in his pockets. "Hello, there," he said. "I'm Koenma. I'm very cool..."

Ranma frowned. "You already said that the last time we met."

"Yeah," Yusuke confirmed. "And you said that to Keiko and the other girls at the Ankoku Bukujutsukai, too."

"Funny you should mention that..." Koenma began.

"Hey," Goku commented. "Umm, why are there a bunch of... multicolored... things... in the stands now? They... they look like they're arguing with the humans. Someone might get hurt..."

Koenma sighed. "Well, that's what I came here to explain. You see--"

In the ring, the announcer of the Tenkaichi Budoukai was shouting at a girl with what looked like fins for ears and a lizard tail. "Listen, this is MY tournament! It's held here every three years! Same time; same place!"

"Well," the lizard-lady retorted, "the Ankoku Bukujutsukai committee booked this place for a year after your stupid tournament! That should have been last year!"

The T.B. announcer wiped some sweat off of his forehead. "Oh... yeah. I guess that whole Piccolo incident moved our schedule up a year some time ago." He frowned. "Doesn't your committee read the newspaper?!"

"They're a bunch of filthy-rich demons!" The A.B. announcer protested. "They only read the stock reports and the comics section!"

"Wait!" Trunks interjected as he and Gohan strode up to the two arguing announcers. "I think I may have a solution. You're both wanting a tournament, right? Well, the bigger, the better, so why don't you jointly hold your tournaments?"

The two announcers stared at the boy for a few minutes before finally responding in unison, "Wow, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of it myself?!"

- - -

"Okay, here's the rules!" T.B. Announcer began. "The matches will be fought by teams of five, who may fight one-by-one or mêlée-style, with the last team with battle-ready members the victor. Anyone who is knocked out of the ring, or K., for over ten counts is disqualified. Killing is legal, but only if the contestant is actively fighting."

A.B. Announcer chimed in, "Outside weapons are also allowed. The Tenkaichi Budoukai team will consist of five finalists from the human tournament, with the other three members acting as backups in case some of the team members are killed or otherwise infirmed."

"So, let's get this party started! First up, Team... um... Mario Party?... vs. Team Budoukai." T.B. announced. "Err... it seems that both teams have agreed to a mêlée."

- - -

Team Budoukai: Ranma, Goku, Yusuke, Ryouko, and Twilight Suzuka, with Akane, Gene Starwind, and Mr. Satan held in reserve. The active team members strode onto the arena, meeting the opposing team for the first time... and nearly cracking up laughing.

The leader of the group was a stout plumber wearing a shirt with blue suspenders, while his second was a taller, slimmer plumber wearing the same motif, but in green and blue. The other three members were a giant monkey wearing a red tie, monogrammed with the initials "D.K.", a small, green dinosaur, and a woman wearing an old fashioned and _very_ pink dress. The leader stepped forward, a menacing glare on his face--it disappeared once some clouds moved in front of the sun, though--and he said, "Let's-a go!"

The five members of each team climbed into the ring and faced off against a corresponding member of the opposite team. Goku and Mario stared each other down with cunning grins, as Yusuke scratched his head, contemplating what his saurian opponent could come up with. Ryouko traded threatening grunts with the opposing necktied simian, and Ranma refused to even regard his nervous green-clad adversary, while Suzuka sized up her royal pain of a rival. Finally, the two announcers, standing next to each other at one side of the ring, cleared their throats.

The Budoukai announcer began, "Let's get this match underway!" producing cheers from the human half of the overcrowded stadium. The Ankoku announcer concurred, "We wanna see plenty of blood and guts, alright!" and the demons roared in agreement. A gong sounded with its resounding tone, and the fighters assumed their stances. The audience screamed for a great fight.

Mario ran forth at his Saiyajin opponent and, jumping in mid-stride, performed a slide kick at Goku's feet. However, Goku jumped straight up and dodged the attack, then proceeded to dive down with a kick of his own. He was intercepted by a jumping head butt from his pipe-traveling friend, knocking some coins from his pocket. _Wha? I didn't know I had any money with me!_ Goku thought.

Upon landing, Mario quickly went to collecting the coins, then, bearing an embarrassed grin, said, "The life of a plumber, it's a-not very rewarding in the financial department!"

Yusuke charged his dinosaur of a match, and punched it right in the snout, sending it flying into the far edge of the ring. Yoshi expeditiously recovered, however, using its tongue as a grappling hook to pull itself back in. Yusuke wasted no time in producing a ki blast from his outstretched finger and sending towards the floundering dinosaur. In response, it extended its elastic tongue to catch the blast and swallow it. After much effort, it produced an egg from its backside. Yusuke observed in confusion as it hefted the newly-laid shell and launched it at the ramen-shop owner. Not realizing the attack, Yusuke was hit by an explosion of a force equal to that of his initial attack. Yoshi cheered with indistinct squeals as its opponent was sent to the ground.

Ranma just slowly walked towards his cowering green-clad opponent, who just gave squeaky excuses. "I-I-I didn't wanta fight! It was my brother! Yeah, that was it! Mario! He made me do it! Oooohhh!" Luigi finally rushed forward in a sloppy advance at Ranma. Not expecting a fierce offensive, Ranma just smiled and put up his hands, but when Luigi reached him, the plumber began to flail his hands at the pigtailed martial-artist with amazing speed and power. Unable to guard against the rain of blows, Ranma jumped back and lunged back forth with a kick. Luigi tripped, however, and, falling flat on his face, missed the kick.

_Wha? What kinda fighter is this?!?_ Ranma thought as he tried to stomp and punch his grounded adversary, but said adversary, cupping his nose in his hands, rolled back and forth on the ground in pain and managed to dodge each and every strike.

Ryouko, now airborne, tossed energy blasts at Donkey Kong. The necktied ape rolled and jumped back and forth without much grace to dodge each attack. Donkey finally came across a barrel of unknown origin and lobbed it at Ryouko. The wooden container struck her squarely in the face and caused her to lose her flight, as D. K. ran toward her landing point to follow up on his counterattack. Grabbing her in mid-fall, he slammed her into the ground with gargantuan strength and proceeded to slap her prone form with his massive palms.

Suzuka and Peach remained across from each other. Finally, the twilight assassin lifted her bokken in the air and, slashing downward with unseeable speed, created a shockwave that rocketed toward Peach, carving a line in the arena floor. Peach simply side-stepped the attack and reached toward the ground. Heaving with great, but still ladylike effort, she pulled a large white vegetable out of the ground and tossed it at Suzuka. However, the veggie was sliced in half by the advancing Suzuka. Peach then gathered an armful of veggies and threw each of them at the assassin, only to watch as she cut each one in half and continued her charge. Finally reaching her, Suzuka jumped high into the air and brought down her blade on Peach. However, the Toadstool Princess managed a block with a golf club and, using the head, wrenched Suzuka's sword away from her. She then swung at the assassin, who, thought unarmed, dodged each swing with minimal effort.

As Ranma tried to hit the struggling Luigi, their fight moved close to that of Goku and Mario's. Goku had Mario on the proverbial ropes, keeping him on the defensive with an assault of kicks and punches. Though Mario was capable of dodging each attack, he couldn't muster a counterattack to fend off the Saiyajin. Finally, as Luigi knocked away the pigtailed martial-artist, he ran to aid of his brother. Sending green gravity-defying fireballs at Goku, he was able to free Mario from the Saiyajin's onslaught.

"M-M-Mario! Are you all right?" Luigi asked of his recovering brother.

"Yes, yes, I'm-a O.K. Now, let's-a show these guys what the Mario Brothers™ are really capable of!"

"Alrighty!" The two plumbers ran at Ranma. He prepared himself, but the two just split and ran to both sides, flanking the pigtailed-martial artist. Luigi crouched down low to the ground and shook as he mustered his strength. Finally releasing it, he rocketed out of a fiery explosion and toward Ranma. Ranma put up his hands to block the head butt, but was still knocked into the air toward the shorter plumber. Mario twisted his body, and then launched himself into a spin. Ranma's body was sent into this spiral, and, with uncountable blows inflicted upon his frame, was sent straight up into the air. Luigi had already jumped up and was below the now-descending Ranma. When the two forms met, Luigi shot up into an uppercut, sending Ranma even higher into the air. However, he was caught high above the stadium by Goku.

"You okay there, Ranma?" He inquired as to the young man's health.

"Yeah, yeah, lemme down already. It'll take more than a little double-teaming to take me out!" Goku did as was asked of him and released the pigtailed martial-artist, who, to his surprise, just plummeted down to the stadium.

"_Hey! Don't let go just yet!!!_" He screamed. "I can't fly!"

"Oh, well, you should have said something." said the Saiyajin nonchalantly as he dropped down below him and caught him once more. He then carried Ranma down to the ground, where he jumped from his arms and reassumed a fighting stance.

"Alright you two, let's try that again!" Ranma charged at the swaggering Mario brothers.

"Oh, I think he wants another taste. Shall-a we give it to him?" Mario asked rhetorically of his brother.

"Yes, I agree. He does look like he wants another serving!" Luigi retorted as the two separated and assumed the same formation as the first time.

_Yeah, yeah, bring it on!_ Ranma thought. Luigi crouched down once more, and Mario twisted his body to prepare for the spin attack, as Son Goku just looked on, not worried at all over his disciple's taking on the both of them.

Meanwhile, Yusuke and Yoshi continued to battle. Yusuke dodged another tongue attack with considerable effort. _Man, don't wanna get stuck in another eggshell!_ thought Yusuke as he ducked beneath Yoshi's tempered tongue. _He'll just eat anything I throw at him, and if I try and grab that tongue again, he'll eat me just like last time! How can do this?_ He thought. Finally, realization hit him, and he stopped fleeing from the stretchy organ assault. Yusuke just let the tongue wrap around him and pull him into the saliva-filled orifice of the beast. However, once inside, he jabbed his fist into what seemed like, to him, Yoshi's head.

"Rei-Kou-Dan!" To the crowd, it looked as though the already-inflated Yoshi began to increase in size exponentially, and its expression changed from secure glee to pain and terror. A blue glow encompassed the dinosaur's body, and, finally, it opened its mouth wide to release all the energy that had been building up inside of it. This sent Yusuke speeding toward the trio of the already airborne Luigi, Ranma, and Mario. Exhausted, the dinosaur fell into unconsciousness as the Budoukai announcer began the count on its prone form.

Just as before, Luigi's flaming head butt struck Ranma's block. This time, however, Ranma smiled as he was sent toward the spinning Mario. Seeing the flying Yusuke, Ranma's smirk grew even wider as he grasped the ramen shop-owner's head and, slamming it into the ground, used it as a springboard to send him above Mario. He then dove into the tornado and, with a single corkscrew punch in the opposite direction of Mario's spinning, shouted, "Hiryu-Gyoten-Ha!"

The resulting downward tornado blast smashed Mario into the floor, causing cracks to spread across the entire arena. All the other fighters stopped temporarily to see the source of the loud crash. Even the audience grew quiet as everyone was on the edge of their seats, trying to see over the person in front of them to view the plumber's fate.

Ranma looked down at his unmoving opponent, and then widely grinned. "I guess that takes care of him!"

Pulling his head up from the ground, Yusuke shoved Ranma playfully. "Well, little man, I don't think I've seen anybody use air like since Jin! Maybe you have gotten a little better after all!"

"Excuse me? How could you 'have seen' anything with your face in the ground like that?" Ranma jibed right back.

"You did well. I didn't know how you planned to counter them. But, it's really only their fault for using the same technique." Goku regaled Ranma as he walked to his side. "Now, let's see how the others are doing."

"Hey hey hey! You think I'm-a finished already? You've-a gotta be kidding!" Ranma, Yusuke, and Goku all turned to see Mario had risen from the ground, and was completely unscathed to boot. His clothes didn't even show signs of the attack he had just been victim to.

"But how? And your clothes! They're not even torn at all!" Ranma shouted. Yes, Ranma, that's what I just said. Ignoring my outburst, Ranma just gawked at the apparently reborn Mario.

"As it turns out, I got just enough coins-a from that other guy; enough-a to give me another life!"

Ranma clenched his teeth. "Fine then, I can take you out as many times as it takes." However, Goku put his hand in front of Ranma.

"You let me take care of him. You've still got your opponent to fight, after all." Son Goku said, motioning to the recovering Luigi.

Suddenly, Goku was knocked away by a kick from the short plumber. Before he could get up, he was hit by a series of fireballs.

"So-a, you're-a gonna take-a care-a of-a me-a?" Mario laughed. "Bring it on-a!"

Meanwhile, Peach was hammering away at Suzuka with various hammering utensils, including a tennis racket and a golf club. However, she just dodged each attack with ease. Finally, she kicked the Toadstool Princess away, and, picking her bokken up from the ground, she dashed at Peach, holding her sword out in front of her. Seeing the attack heading for her, Peach rummaged through her belongings and pulled out... Toad! However, Toad was instantly cut in half by the slash. Horrified, Peach let down her guard, allowing Suzuka to kick her into the air, and, jumping above her, produced a downward slash. Peach, however, produced an umbrella. She opened it, and a sudden catch of air caused her descent to slow by a great deal, allowing her enough control to land squarely on Suzuka's face. The powerful blow left the former assassin unconscious in the center of the ring as Peach slowly and gracefully floated to the floor.

"Ka—me—ha—me—" Goku chanted as a powerful sphere of energy formed between his palms. Thrusting his hands toward Mario, he released his ki with a shout of, "HA—!"

Mario grinned as he materialized a cape—from where, no one will ever know—and used it to slap the blast away from him... and toward Princess Peach.

Peach, fortunately, was not hit by the incredible beam--though the west portion of the audience was--but her blouse, also fortunately, was ripped off by the incredible vacuum created by the attack. She glared indignantly at her boyfriend. "Mario!"

"What? It-a was a accident!" His sly smirk told otherwise, however.

Tears formed in Peach's eyes. "You... you just saved me from all those giant lizards for my body, didn't you?"

Mario became somewhat panicked at this point. "No! That's-a not it at all!"

Donkey Kong suddenly landed beside Peach, Ryouko struggling under his immense weight. "Don't worry, Peachy! I've always been there for ya!"

"Oh, D.K.!" Peach cried. "The time we shared when you kidnapped me from my castle was so special! Maybe I should just--"

Suddenly, Ryouko disappeared into the arena floor, and a giant stone hand appeared in her place, grabbing Donkey Kong roughly. The entire ring quickly shaped itself into a living statue of Ryouko. Ranma, to the dismay of Akane, who had been standing on the sidelines, wound up on one of the giantess' great breasts.

"Ranma no baka!" She screamed, allowing everyone to breathe a sigh of relief now that she had finally uttered her favorite catch-phrase.

"Ummm..." the Bukujutsukai announcer stammered as she stared up at Ryouko's new form. "What do the rules say about being outside of the ring if the fighter IS the ring?"

"Hahahahaha!" Ryouko... laughed. "Who's 'bigger, faster, and stronger too,' now?" She gave D.K. a hard squeeze and hurled him to the ground. There he stayed, a prone form for ten counts. Then he got up and looked for some bananas.

"If you wouldn't mind," Ranma shouted as he dodged under Ryouko's right breast to avoid a Luigi head-butt, "Could ya turn the ring back to normal? This's kinda embarrassin'!"

"Oh, all right." Ryouko conceded, rapidly changing back into a square arena. Her true form phased back onto her former body. "Well, princess? What were you gonna do?" She said, directing her catty gaze toward Peach.

"Oh." The princess replied. "Never mind. Now, I'm just going to beat you up." She brandished her tennis racket menacingly.

Goku, meanwhile, powered up to his Super Saiyajin form. "Now to take it a little higher," he stated. His muscles bulged slightly, and his hair became a bit more vertically inclined. Electricity arched around him as well. "With this, the Chou Super Saiyajin form, there's no way you can block. Ka—me—ha—me—"

Mario laughed and rushed at Goku, shouting. "You fool! There's-a nothing my cape can't-a deflect!"

"HA—!"

True to Mario's word, the attack bounced off of the plumber's cape and rocketed toward Yusuke, who, since he had been about to jump into the fray with Ryouko and Peach, had little time to block. "Oh, Kuso—" he screamed as he found himself hurled out of the ring. The resulting explosion rendered him unconscious.

"Whoops." Goku muttered. "Oh, well. If that cape deflects all ki attacks no matter their strength, I'll just have to think of a way to go around it!"

Ranma rolled his eyes as he dodged a Luigi flail-attack. _**Or**__ you could just punch him a few times, but, __**no**__, that would be too simple..._

Ryouko sliced her princess opponent's latest weapon in half with her energy sword. Lurching forward, she phased through Peach's body, spun around, and cuffed her hard on the base of her skull. "Oyasumi nasai, Oujosama." She turned to where Ranma and Luigi were fighting and made to help, but then thought better of it. "Ah, I doubt the kid would want me interfering anyway. All the more fun for me..."

"Kamehameha!" Goku released a powerful burst at his sewer-working foe.

"You-a fool!" The Italian pasta-lover shouted as he readied his cape. "You've-a learned-a nothing!"

"Haven't I?" Goku quipped, putting his index and middle fingers to his forehead. "Shunkan Idou!" With that, he disappeared from sight, only to rematerialize behind Mario.

The plumber, having been distracted with the task of batting Goku's ki attack away, was taken by surprise when a hand grasped his cape and tore it away from him. "What-a the Hell-a?!" He exclaimed directly before getting a ball of sheer power shoved down his throat. Upon landing, he coughed and sputtered, trying desperately to retrieve his footing. Finally, with a groan of, "That's-a one spicy meat-a-ball," he gorked onto the ground.

Goku blinked. "Is 'gorked' actually a real word?"

...Yes, of course it is! Damn, try to include a little vocabularic variety in a fanfic, and this is what we get? You don't see other authors' borrowed characters back talking them, either, but us? Oh, no! Gotta get the smart mouthed ones.

"Geez, sorry... and whatever happened to the 'fourth wall' thing anyway?" Goku asked, though he should have realized long ago that Akane had long since smashed Ranma through it. "Oh."

Meanwhile, Luigi had seen what had happened to his brother, and began to scream, "Mario? Mario! Ma------rio!" Being thus distracted, the less vertically challenged plumber was unaware of Ranma striding casually up to him.

"Ahem." Ranma coughed, putting an arm around his opponent's shoulder.

Luigi turned his head, and, seeing the pigtailed martial artist there, dropped heap-big sweat. "Oh... I'm-a in trouble, aren't I?"

Ranma smirked as he clenched his free hand. "You got that right." And with a single punch--the first punch to actually land on Luigi--the plumber was sent on a one-way trip back to Dream Land.

T.B. Announcer whooped with this final blow. "Team Budoukai wins! Team Budoukai wins!"

"Geez, you don't have to start celebrating yet," A.B. Announcer fumed. "We haven't even gotten to the ten count yet..."

"Who cares? Any fight with Son Goku in it is pretty much in the bag, regardless of how many counts they get," T.B. Announcer quipped, and, indeed, after the tenth count had been reached, the Budoukai team was officially declared the winner.

to be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________

Yow! Well, that's it for this chapter. Y'know, I never _did_ like that stupid fourth wall. I'm glad we got rid of it... except, you know, you get hit by a bunch of stray ki blasts and magical spells without it. Yeah, that last Kamehameha of Goku's... had me laid up for, like, a whole minute. Hey, that's a pretty long time considering these guys are figments of our collective imagination.


	9. Chapter 8

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and some guy named Houston Fryer

Disclaimer: We don't-a claim any of these-a characters in-a this fanfiction-a. We-a just created the story-a itself-a. All other characters-a, ideas, and clichés-a are the property-a of their respective-a owners-a. Let's-a Go!

Chapter 8:

The sun cast an orange haze across the spherical frame of the Capsule Corp. building as it slowly sank beneath the horizon. Inside, Team Budoukai was resting from its first victory. Also, they were preparing to say goodbye to one of its most integral members.

"Yeah, she should be here any minute now. I wish I could stay longer, but rules are rules." Son Goku said with a sadly cheerful tone.

"Don't worry about us. If the other matches are as easy as this one, we won't have a problem," Yusuke boasted.

"You're one to talk. You got KOed pretty easily, I'd say!" Ranma shouted from the dinner table through a mouthful of hamachi.

Yusuke shot a menacing glare at the pigtailed martial-artist. "Yeah, heh, ya know we still haven't had our rematch yet, Ranma."

"Yeah, I didn't figure you as the hesitant type. O'course, anyone would be when they're matched up against me." Ranma gloated before getting lifted out of his chair by the front of his shirt.

"Would you care to repeat that, my little friend?" The ramen shop-owner growled.

"Now, now, you two. Can't this wait until later? I mean, my husband's going back to Heaven! This is no time for some petty rivalry!" Chi Chi squawked.

"Alriiight." The two said in unison as they released each other. Suddenly, Genma appeared out of nowhere with a big grin on his face.

"Oi! Ranma! Come and feast your eyes upon my latest triumph!"

"What? What'd you do now, sell me off to some chick again?" Ranma shouted right back.

"No, I haven't done that since yesterday afternoon! Er, wait, yes I did... But that's not the point. The point is that," Genma jumped on top of a boulder and assumed a dramatic pose. "Martial arts are more than fighting. Mental accomplishments are just as important as honing one's body. That is wh-"

Ranma kicked his father into a conveniently nearby pond. As the panda arose from the shallow water, his son shouted, "Would'ya get to the point? No one wants to hear your dumb speeches!"

The panda merely motioned to a certain antennaed frog. As everyone looked at the frog, Genma hoisted a sign reading, "I taught him to speak!"

As everyone crowded around the frog, Genma brandished another sign. "Go on, give em your best!"

The frog nervously looked at all the people that had gathered around him. Finally gulping, it lifted a sign of its own. In harsh, messy handwriting, "Hello" was inscribed upon the sign.

"Well, how about that? You taught an animal sign language." Ranma stated with an air of obviously false enthusiasm before getting clubbed with another sign reading, "You keep quiet!"

Suddenly, the frog leaped out from the crowd and crawled up to Son Goku's feet. Assuming a devious glare, it promptly inscribed another message on a sign, which it then hefted up for him to read.

"Huh? 'Change now?' Wha?" Goku asked stupifiedly. Suddenly, the frog glowed with a acid-yellow aura. Goku's eyes widened as the aura enveloped him, trapping him within the confines of the all-too-familiar technique. The frog opened its mouth and expelled a golden beam into Goku's mouth, causing everyone to jump back in surprise.

In a brief moment, the glow diffused into the air. Everyone stared at the two beings who were still frozen in place. Unanticipatedly, a cruel smile spread across Goku's lips, as those in the crowd who bore witness to the first incarnation of this attack looked on with varying degrees of horror.

"At last! I got it! I got your body! I got your body!" crowed Son Goku in a strange, ragged voice. "No more frog for me! I am born anew!"

Ranma, not recognizing this horrible transference of identities, stepped forth and asked Goku if he was okay, "Goku, are you okay?"

"Am I okay? _Am I okay_?!?! I'm... Am I Goku? I mean, I am Goku! And I am okay!"

Ignoring the weak attempts at self-correction, Piccolo appeared out of nowhere and explained what was going on, "No, that's not Goku, it's Captain Ginyu. Using a certain form of communication that a certain _someone_ taught to him," His allusion to that certain someone was wasted since that certain someone had already been launched into LEO, "he has once again managed to switch bodies with Goku."

"Ya know, you really need to stop doing that. It's scary." Ranma stated.

"Yes, that technique is rather terrifying, to be able to steal one's own flesh and blood from beneath one."

"No, I meant you. Stop appearing out of nowhere like that."

"..."

"_Hey_! I'm the one who just stole the Super Saiyajin's body! I'm the center of attention here!"

Ranma looked at Ginyu, then at the frog, then back at Ginyu, then back at the frog. "Now, wait, so that means, if you're this Ginyu fella, and you're in Goku's body, then this frog must be Goku!"

"Well aren't you the quick one." the body snatcher sarcastically said.

"So, these two former enemies are going to finally duel after all these years of harmonious contentedness." said... Krillin.

"Also," Piccolo interjected, "Krillin's name used to mean a type of nut, but now it's not."

"Doesn't Vegeta usually say things like that?" queried Bulma, ignoring Piccolo's explanation for Krillin's name's complete change in spelling.

"Well, he's not here now, is he?" The vertically challenged martial-artist annoyedly said.

"If he was, he'd probably hit you for saying that so annoyedly."

"Not to mention for making fun of him like that." The previously unnoticed Yamcha spoke up; previously unnoticed because no one cared about Yamcha.

"Yeah, you're probably right. Sheesh, you can't joke around that guy, such an uptight hemorrhoid-butt." Krillin jested.

- - -

An endless array of hills and valleys below, an endless stretch of unreachable sky above, and the constant puncturing of this quiet blue by gargantuan clouds were all the scenery that being so far above the ground offered. Although, Vegeta wouldn't be the type to appreciate such poetic images, and even if he was, his view was blocked by the massive amounts of foodstuffs he was carrying.

"Curse those human grocery stores. Were it up to me, they'd forage for food. There are enough animals on this planet to hunt for a lifetime, if not for all those human 'laws' and 'regulations.' Of course, if some weakling police gave pursuit to me, I'd destroy them all in an instant! I...I...a...AHHCHOO!" The Saiyajin Prince's monologue of protest was interrupted by a sneeze, causing him to curse repeatedly as packaged foods rained from the sky.

- - -

"Hey, come on, don't be so hard on him," Bulma defended, "It also takes quite a bit of patience to put up with you all."

"Oh, sure, you defend him! After all, he's the one that popped-" Yamcha's soon-to-be vulgar comment was interrupted by me. I mean, come on, this is a family fanfic! Have some self-restraint.

Ignoring my valiant attempts to keep this conversation civil, Bulma assumed a familiar nagging tone in her voice, "What's the matter, Yamcha? Jealous? You know the only reason you never got any is-"

"_Bulmaaa_! Come on, we agreed never to discuss that!"

"I'm just joking, Yamchan!" giggled the Capsule Corp. heiress.

Meanwhile, Ranma, Piccolo, Ginyu, and Kaeru-Goku merely looked on in utter disbelief at their friends' complete lack of interest in their current conflict.

"So, as I was saying," Ginyu picked up, "_Ah hah hah haaaah_!"

"You'll never get away with this, Ginyu!" Ranma threatened.

"Oh, won't I? I have no need of changing again! I might as well just forget that technique!" laughed Ginyu.

"Oh yeah? Well, I... I... I recognize you!" The pigtailed martial-artist took a sudden interest in the latest visitor to the Capsule Corp. building.

"Yes, your time is up, Goku. It's been one day." Uranai Obaba said to Ginyu, apparently unaware of the exchange that took place only minutes ago.

"My time? What are you talking about, old woman?" The body snatcher shouted.

"It's time to go now. Come on, we haven't any time to waste."

"What? Where? I'm not going, I'm not! I'm... Hey! Hey! _Heeeey_!" yelled Ginyu as he slowly faded from this plane of existence, along with the crystal ball-riding old woman.

"What... just... happened?" inquired Ranma. Meanwhile, Kaeru-Goku was quite peeved that no one had taken notice of him. However, unlike Ginyu, he was unable to express his distaste beyond simple ribbiting.

"So, now what?" Gene asked, having borne witness to the events that preceded his seemingly sudden appearance.

"Well, at least Goku didn't have to leave. Now, he can still fight!" Ranma slapped the amphibian on the back, which, given the current incongruency in size ratio, caused the latter to be flattened like a proverbial pancake.

"I don't think so," said the Budoukai Announcer to Ranma, causing him to jump ten and forty-eight hundredths feet into the air. "The rules clearly state that no amphibian or amphibian-like creatures may participate." The announcer stopped suddenly. "Hey, wait a minute," he said, looking at his clipboard, "that means Team Battletoad is disqualified!"

"How did you get in here?" Bulma asked the announcer.

"Erm, the same way I'm about to leave." He said as he pressed his index and middle finger to his forehead and disappeared.

Everyone stared suspiciously at Goku, the frog.

- - -

The next day...

"TEAM SOUTH PARK versus TEAM DARU...DARUI...DARSH...how do you say this...TEAM DARUSHE!!!"

"I wanted to come early today to check this team out." declared Yusuke, the acting team leader until Goku was somehow restored. "I heard that these South Park kids were the favorites of the tournament. And, with a team like us, that's saying something."

"I hope they'll be more interesting than the rest of the fights I had to sit through." Ranma rested his head on his hands. "I mean, what was up with Team Care Bear and Team Smurf?"

"I dunno, but this'll be good if the rumors I've been hearing are true," assured Yusuke.

The crowd roared as both teams stepped into the ring. Varied sections of the audience broke into chanting for the South Park team, while large portions held up signs to form praising images. In the middle of the newly repaired ring, five little kids stood in a line, while a tall, muscular man with long, unkempt white hair led a group of four fearsome-looking warriors behind him.

"Are you ready?" The Ankoku Bukujutsukai Announcer shouted to the crowd, and was met by a fusillade of cheers.

"Then let's get this match going!" the other announcer declared. A gong sounded, but neither team moved an inch. One of the young boys stepped forth and brandished a pair of tonfa.

"Now, with the Tonfa of Takanawa, I transform into Shirohachi, ninja warrior!" In a flash of light, the child was replaced by a similarly garbed man of muscle and spiky hair. "With the Tonfa, I combat evil forces and people I don't like!"

"And I become the awesome Bounaku! With my amazing nunchaku's powers, I battle the forces of darkness for right and ramen!" A boy wearing a bear cap morphed into a lithe warrior.

"I mrrf mrf mrrf mrfmrf mrf Mrmrf Mrf! Mrrf mrrf mrrf mrf mrrfmrf mrf mrf and mrf!" said the well-heard boy wearing a hooded jacket as he transmogrified into (Unintelligible).

"Now, I become the great Bulrog! I can use all the others' powers, and better than they can!" A pudgy lad changed into a bulky, neanderthal-ish beast of a warrior.

"God dammit, Cartman, you can't have our powers!" The first one shouted. "You have to make up your own!"

The final boy placed a tin foil helmet on his head. "And I will be changed into the almighty Professor Chaos! I wield unmatched chaotic powers!"

"And now, we will defeat you with our cool ninja weapons!" They all shouted in unison.

"Well now, aren't they the flashy ones? Gara, take care of them." The opposing leader commanded in a melodic voice.

A man wielding a oversized katana stepped forth, and in a single swing, launched a wave of force at (Unintelligible), slicing him in half down the line of his spine.

"Oh my God, you killed Kenny!" Shirohachi shouted in surprise.

"You _bastard_!!!" Bounaku screamed as he rushed forth and swung at the ninja master with his nunchaku. Gara only had to lean back to avoid the attack.

"You can't win! You're just cannon fodder, used to show how tough the main antagonists are!" He bashed the hilt of his blade into his assailant's cheek, sending him flying back to his starting position. Bounaku grunted as he crashed into the floor, shattering the tiles around his point of impact.

"Don't worry, children." A blond warrior from the other team said softly. "I am Abigail, the most powerful necromancer in the entire fanfic. Being such, I can easily bring your friend back to life..." and with a flick of his glowing wrist, (Unintelligible)'s body pulled itself back together. "Under _our_ control, of course."

Shirohachi gasped in horror. "No! (Unintelligible)! Don't give in to them!"

"God dammit, you guys!" Bulrog exclaimed. "Just call 'im 'Kenny,' for Christ's sake!" He turned to confront Abigail. "And as for _you_, you freakin' hippie, you best respect mah authoritah!" pointing a sai at the necromancer, a beam of light erupted from his weapon, and, upon connecting with its target, turned the unfortunate victim into...

"A chicken?" pretty much everyone in the stadium gasped.

Dark Schneider looked distastefully at his modified mage. "Well, that's certainly an... interesting trick..."

Meanwhile, Bulrog danced gleefully around niwatori-Abigail singing, "Hah, ha, ha, ha, haaah, haaaah, Abigail is a chicken!"

This time, Team Darushe leader's face twisted into a mask of extreme annoyance. "I said it was interesting, fatass, not irreversible!" Casting a quick spell, Abigail was quickly returned to normal.

"Well, fatass," Abigail growled. "It seems you'll have to do better than that to beat me."

Bulrog growled, "Hey, don't call me _fat_! I'm festively plump."

"No matter," Abigail dismissed, "Go, my zombie warrior, defeat your former allies!"

(Unintelligible) leaped into the air, shuriken in hand. He launched the throwing star at Professor Chaos, who leapt away, screaming like a sissy girl.

"Oh, come on! I am _not_ going through that whole 'ninja star in the eye' again!" Chaos explained. Standing back up, he frowned at the opposing team's leader. "But there's something else I have to do anyway. Hey, Schneider!"

"That's _Dark_ Schneider!" The other shouted. "Just 'Schneider' sounds stupid... like I'm German or something." Shrugging it off, the bastard whipped up a quick fireball spell and launched it at his attacker.

"Ha!" Chaos bellowed as he blocked the attack with his cape. "My cape is made of titanium alloy, which protects me from your heat attacks!"

Dark Schneider raised an eyebrow. "Titanium alloy, eh? I thought that was heavy metal... and I would know." Regardless, he motioned to Gara. "Hey, you take care of him, will you?"

Gara smirked as he rushed toward his new prey. "Sure thing. Sorry, kid, but you shouldn't have gotten in our way!" He slashed swiftly at the well-armored professor--of what, no one really knew--but was surprised to find that his enemy was floating several feet above him.

"Bulrog can fly, too, but better than Butters..." came an aside comment.

"Nice shot, puny ninja, but Professor Chaos is all powerful!" He shot downward, smashing a fist into the ground. "Now taste my Web of Holding!"

A blanket of energy surrounded Gara, ensnaring him. "Ugh! Not bad, but I haven't even begun to try, yet." He smirked as he began to strain against the net. Within seconds, the magical web had snapped, leaving the ninja master free to do as he would. "And what I 'would,' would be kicking your can!" He blurred, appearing behind Chaos, and slashed him across the back with his sword. Spinning around to the professor's front, he delivered a sharp, ki-enforced blow to his head, knocking him out, and out of the ring.

"Bulrog can do all that kick-ass crap, too, but better than Gara..."

Meanwhile, (Unintelligible) had engaged Bounaku in a heated battle. Bounaku held the advantage, of course, as he wielded his nunchaku in a skillful manner, while (Unintelligible) not only had no weapon but a stupid, little, shuriken, but he was also a soulless zombie, and, therefore, too stupid to be of much use at all. Of course, he was too stupid to die properly, also, and that was a problem. "Listen, Kenny!" Bounaku tried to reason as his weapon smashed forcefully into his former ally's forearm. "I know you're still inside there somewhere. I mean, you used to die every day and come back good as new! Even when you were dead for a season or so, you came back without any kind of hullabaloo. You can do it again!"

Without pretext, (Unintelligible) leapt backward and brought his shuriken out of his pants. "Mmmmrf..." he deadpanned, throwing the star at his one-time friend.

"I don't think so! From the sokuromoto of my nunchaku, an icy blast will freeze that little bastard in its place!" Whipping his weapon around, Bounaku's nunchaku emitted a mightily cold blow from its end. The shuriken, indeed, was buffeted from its course, veering back toward (Unintelligible). Unfortunately for the zombified ninja, the ice-beam not only knocked the star away, but also froze him; thus, when the shuriken struck, (Unintelligible)'s body was shattered into pieces.

"Ooh... I'm afraid I can't fix that..." Abigail commented.

"But Bulrog can, because Bulrog does necromancy, too, but better than sissy Abigail..."

"Oh... my God. I killed Kenny." Bounaku whispered, disgusted with himself.

"You... you bastard!" Shirohachi responded.

The only other male warrior who had yet to participate in the battle strode to Bounaku's position. "Well, that was quite a display of your ice-magic skills; however, I, Kall-Su, am the greatest ice mage of all time. Allow me to demonstrate." Holding his hand level to the still-lamenting ninja, he muttered a spell and created a glacier which engulfed Bounaku in its depths. "Well, that's three down; two to go."

"Let me take care of them, Darushe." The last warrior, an elven woman, beseeched of her leader. "I have yet to flex my muscle."

"Very well, Arshes-Nei, my dear. Have your way with them."

Shirohachi growled angrily at the woman. "You... how dare you?! I'm going to make you wish you'd never been born, lady!" He aimed a tonfa at his opponent, and caused a scorching wave of heat to issue forth.

Arshes-Nei laughed, "You really think that will hurt me? I am the queen of lightning!" She raised her hands, from which electricity began to arc, and fired a bolt of energy at the young ninja, blasting through his attack and hitting him dead-on. The resulting voltage burnt Shirohachi's shirt cleanly away.

"Bulrog is a queen of lightning, too, but better than Arshes-Nei..."

The aforementioned queen glared at the remaining opposing warrior. "You... what do you think you can accomplish all by yourself?"

"Why, this, of course!" Bulrog crowed, rocketing into the air. Holding his hands out, he sent jagged streaks of power hurtling downward.

From the stands, Trunks plopped down between Chibi Trunks and Ranma. "Hmm... it seems this 'Bulrog' character has been getting stronger throughout the entire match. I think he might be... copying his opponent's special abilities!"

"Wow, you think so?" Ranma asked. "I suppose it would make sense, but how could he imitate power levels like that?"

Trunks frowned. "I don't know, exactly. I noticed that his ki increased quite a bit after Gara knocked Professor Chaos out... right after Gara used his ki! Maybe this Bulrog has the power to have any power he wants! No wonder this team was the favorite!"

"That's just fine," Chibi Trunks interrupted, "but weren't you gonna get me some popcorn?"

"Me?" Trunks asked, confused.

"I'm back with the popco--huh? Hey, what am I doing here?" The two Trunks stared at each other for a moment.

Ranma sighed. "Oh, great. How many of you are there?"

The first Trunks to be mentioned in this chapter laughed good-humoredly. "Oh, sorry! I forgot to tell you that I'm the future version of Chibi Trunks."

"Really?" Chibi Trunks entreated. "Huh, not bad. I could live with growing up into you... even with that big nose."

"Hey, shut up!" Mirai no Chibi Trunks protested, covering the offended body part. "I'm self-conscious!"

Meanwhile, back at the arena...

"Wahahahahahaaa!" Bulrog laughed. "Feel the powah of mah authoritah!"

Gara sighed as he dodged the lightning bolts. "Well, finally. Now that the author is focusing on us, we can stop dodging and start kicking butt!" He turned to Arshes-Nei. "Though, you gotta admit, this kid is better than you at chuckin' lightning bolts around."

"Shut up!" the elf protested.

Gara ignored the lightning mage and brought his sword to a ready position. "Alright, fatso, take this!" He swung his katana, causing a vacuum to slice a path between the two ninjas.

"Aww, God dammit!" The obese warrior cursed as he barely dodged the attack. "But I can make vacuums, too, only better than Gara." With that statement, he slashed with his sai, causing a vacuum to appear in midair, and fall to the ground with a resounding crash.

Team Darushe simply stared incredulously. "I think you meant the physical phenomenon, not the device..." Dark Schneider cut in.

"Of course that's what I meant!" Bulrog blasted back. Taking another swipe, he created a real, honest-to-goodness vacuum which hurtled toward Gara, who expertly dodged it.

"It'll take more than that!" Gara informed his assailant.

Bulrog blurred, appearing behind Gara an instant later. He slashed with his sai, then flipped over the ninja master, delivering a ki-enforced punch. Gara slid back a few feet, but otherwise seemed to be fine. "H-heeeey!"

Gara smirked maliciously. "You may have stolen my moves and ki-manipulating abilities, but your body is still weak and flabby."

"No way! Bulrog's body is strong, too, but better than Gara's!" The ninja dashed forward again, and slammed a mighty fist into the other's gut.

"Uurrgh! No way..." Gara grunted. "His... his strength has tripled at least!"

Arshes-Nei charged up a lightning bolt. "I'll take care of him!" Her hands were caught by Dark Schneider, however.

"Arshes... don't. Let me finish him. He needs to be taken out quickly, or he'll keep getting more powerful, and I know just the spell to do it." He smirked as he held up his hands and began chanting.

"Oh, Bulrog can chant spells too, but better than... better than... God dammit, what's your name again?"

"So, you can't copy someone's abilities if you don't know their name? Too bad, then, that you'll die without knowing your attacker! Ravage the land as never before! Total destruction, from mountain to shore!" As he chanted the spell, the sky grew dark and a bright light came out from between the massive, quickly formed clouds. The light dissipated, revealing its source to be a huge meteor.

"Crapknuckles." Bulrog looked up at the giant meteor with fear in his eyes as he glanced around for something to use to free himself from this situation. But, it was too late, as the menacing bus-sized comet quickly fell into the stadium and seemingly crushed Bulrog beneath it. A giant wave of earth was spat up as the meteor buried itself into the ground, covering the first rows in dirt.

"Oh yeah! Look at all that gore! It's so great, I can't believe it!" The Ankoku Bukujutsukai announcer shouted above the deafening roar of stone grinding against stone. However, the Tenkaichi Budoukai announcer took some offense from this.

"What? Gore? Gore isn't good! This fight has been nothing but a power-fest! Where's the martial arts? Nowhere, that's where!" He cried at the A.B. announcer.

The dust soon cleared, and Professor Chaos and Shirohachi had both recovered. They stood on the other side of the meteor and appeared to be planning their next move.

"Professor Chaos and Shirohachi, you are both disqualified for being out of the ring and being knocked down for ten counts, respectively."

"Oh, weak!" They both cried as the image of Dark Schneider's team appeared on the overhead screen, surrounded by flashy shows of "Victoly."

"That's right, you two. You lost, but don't worry. I'll still send you to hell like your friends!" Dark Schneider yelled, jumping over the meteor, fire blast in hand. He tossed the ball at the two losers, only to see it explode prematurely. As he surveyed the area of the explosion, he was surprised to find a pigtailed martial-artist standing in front of the two losers, hand outstretched to cancel out the attack.

"Hey, Dark Schneider, was it? You won, already. Let these two go."

"Oh? And why should I? Because some meddling little whelp says so?"

"That's right, because some meddling little whelp... er, I mean some brave, powerful, young warrior says so!"

"And who, exactly, do you think you are to mess with the affairs of Dark Schneider?"

"Saotome Ranma desu. And if you think you've got anything on me, you're sadly mistaken. After all, the handsome main character always wins, and the ugly loser bad guy always loses!" He shouted, startling Dark Schneider with his show of insolence. The two stared each other down with determined anger in their eyes.

_Damn, blocking that attack hurt more than I thought it would! My hand is completely numb!_ Ranma thought.

_I really hope I turned the oven off when I left. I wouldn't want the roast to burn!_ Dark Schneider thought right back.

"Okay, ladies and gentlemen, as soon as we get the ring cleaned up, we'll begin the next round: Team Budoukai vs. Team PK Thunder!"

To be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________

Ahh, to be young again...


	10. Chapter 9

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and Hyusuton Furiaru

Disclaimer: Little girl

Chapter 9:

Mirai no Trunks gazed intently at the unfolding scene below. "Wow. This is going to be some fight."

Mirai no Chibi Trunks harumphed. "I dunno what you're so worried about. I mean, they ain't exactly got the strongest constitutions."

"Maybe, but you can sense as well as I the amount of ki they have," the former countered.

The latter focused, then blinked in surprise. "Damn, that's way outta proportion with their power levels. 'S incogitable!"

"Yeah, I know! Rilldo would have gotten a run for his money!" a voice cut in gaily.

The two Trunks, plus the heretofore silent Chibi Trunks, looked over to see a slightly shorter version of themselves garbed in a tan coat, an orange neckerchief, and really gay knickers. "Oh, kami!" They intoned in unison.

The new version of themselves laughed in an almost... giggly manner, "Hey, guys! What's up?"

"Who're you supposed to be?" Mirai no Chibi Trunks asked of the newcomer.

"Why, I'm GT Trunks. I came here from the future."

The tiny Trunks grinned widely. "What's GT stand for? Grand Twink?" At the mention of this name, all the previously introduced Trunks burst into laughter.

"Aw, come on, guys! I'm not a twink!" A dejected frown appeared on GT Trunks face. "Besides, you know I'm your future self."

Both linear incarnations of said Trunks balked at this. "What? You can't be!" They shouted in unison.

"You're shorter than I am. There ain't no way you're my future equivalent." The Mirai no Chibi Trunks protested.

"Well, you see, Daddy, he got mad at me 'cause I wasn't training as hard as I shoulda been. Anyway, he tricked me into the gravity room with some girly mags and put it on one thousand times gravity!"

The two Chibi Trunks stared at the effete incarnation of themselves with a look of disbelief.

"That's not the worst part. It kinda caused some... downage."

"What?"

"You know... the factory's closed down."

"What?"

"_I'm sterile_! You meanies just had to go and make me say it out loud, didn't you!"

"So... if I don't train hard enough in the future, I'll shrink into this twink and lose my manhood..." Mirai no Chibi Trunks immediately grabbed some nearby weights and began lifting them up and down furiously.

On the stadium floor, the T.B announcer raised his left arm, "and now..." he began, "The second round begins!"

"It's Team Budoukai versus Team PK Thunder! The match will begin in five minutes!" the A.B. announcer finished.

The two teams stood in the lobby, awaiting the call to the arena. Finally, Gene Starwind stepped forth.

"So, you guys are gonna be our opponents? Well then, nice to meet you; I'm Gene Starwind."

A young boy wearing a baseball cap stepped forward as well. "I'm Ness, the team leader. It's nice to meet you too." He said. However, because of the strange way his voice sounded, no one understood.

"If anybody here doesn't know who I am, I feel real sorry for them, 'cause my name is Kuwabara Kazuma and I'm gonn-" Kuwabara's monologue was interrupted by a punch in the face from Yusuke.

"Now, what have I told you about flapping your lips like that? You really leave your guard open." He said disapprovingly.

"Hi there, I'm Mai." A young woman wearing a hat and otherwise normal clothing stood forth.

The final member of Team PK Thunder, a grey and purple creature whose face looked vaguely--very vaguely, fortunately for Ranma--like a cat, stared coldly at Gene. Then, all the members of Team Budoukai suddenly heard a deep voice within their minds. _I am Mewtwo._

Team Budoukai introduced themselves as well, and engaged in small talk until the announcer announced the announcement that the match was ready to go.

"Okay, everybody! Match One is about to begin! Team Budoukai and Team PK Thunder, come on down!"

The crowd cheered as the two teams walked out to opposing sides of the ring, with the exception of some demons who were content on chanting, "Kill Yusuke!"

"Now, the two team captains will decide on how to fight!" Yusuke stepped into the ring and walked toward the center, as Ness did the same.

"Okay, kid, how should we do this?" Yusuke asked of the short boy.

"We should do it in single 1-on-1 matches until all members of a team have been defeated." Ness stated in his odd Goku-like voice.

"What?"

"I said, we should have 1-on-1 matches!"

"What?"

"1-on-1 matches!!!"

"Oh. No need to yell, kid, I'm right here."

Soon after, the matches were decided. As the announcer stated all the matches for the benefit of the audience, the video screen displayed really cool-looking still frames of each character.

"First up, Yusuke versus Ness!"

The two team leaders stood facing each other. A gong sounded, and the T.B. announcer shouted, "Begin!"

"I'm not gonna go easy on you, kid!" Yusuke charged forth, and, in a split-second, reached Ness and launched a punch at him. However, with a twitch of Ness's forehead, Yusuke was sent flying away.

"It's not gonna be that easy!" Ness shouted at the departing ramen shop-owner. Unfortunately, no one understood him. Yusuke righted himself and landed on the ground. This time, Ness charged at him. Before reaching him, the boy slid to a stop and yelled, "PK Fire!" A tiny bolt sped from his hands toward Yusuke.

Yusuke put his hand up to block, but the instant it touched his hand, he and the area surrounding him became engulfed in flame. Ness, apparently being immune to the effects of his attack, ran right through the flames and swung at Yusuke's midsection with a psychically augmented baseball bat. Yusuke wasn't burnt, but, because of the fire, his shirt was incinerated. In addition, he couldn't see his opponent attacking him and was buffeted right out of the inferno and into the wall outside the ring.

Yusuke somersaulted in mid-air and sprang off the wall, rocketing toward Ness. Putting a finger out, he shouted, "Rei-Gan!" and launched a thin projectile at the psychic little boy. Ness merely stood in place as the blast approached him, but, just as it reached him, he lowered his stance and concentrated. A wavy, blue sphere formed around him and absorbed the ki bullet harmlessly.

_What? How can he just take my Rei-Gan without flinching or anything?_ Yusuke thought as he continued to fly toward Ness. Finally, he kicked at the psychic, but found himself crushed against the ground with considerable force. Ness then repeatedly thrust his hands at the grounded Yusuke and, with each movement, hit him with an intangible impact.

Finally, he jumped back and, with a shout of "PK Thunder!" sent a bluish ball with an electric appearance out of his head and toward the floundering ramen shop-owner. Yusuke handsprang off of the ground, expecting the ball to hit his former location, but instead it curved up and continued to travel toward him. The ball hit Yusuke cleanly in the stomach and, with an incredible shock, pushed him back down onto the ground. The crowd roared their approval.

"This kid might be a little tougher than I thought!" Yusuke climbed to his feet. "Maybe I should show him my true power!" But before he could act upon his words, he found a shining green sphere of energy floating toward him, gathering in size and power as it did. Yusuke jumped straight into the air, avoiding the explosion below, and descended in the direction of Ness. However, Ness, with several "PK Thunder"s, Ness began to juggle Yusuke in the air with the repeated assault of homing psychic blasts.

Finally, Ness ceased his relentless attack and jumped slightly above the ramen shop-owner. Using a psychically empowered kick, he sent him plummeting toward the ring at great speed. Yusuke's body bounced off the hard surface from force of impact alone. However, he quickly recovered and began to gather his rei-ki. The psychic boy watched in interest as the amount of energy Yusuke held within himself jumped up quite a bit. Finally, Yusuke disappeared in a flash of blinding light. When the light dissipated, he was replaced by a demon of enormous power. His hair had grown much longer, and strange markings covered his body.

At ringside, Ranma was dumbfounded. "So, that's what he meant when he said, 'I'm an S-class demon, myself.' I never could have guessed he'd be this powerful, though."

Suddenly, Piccolo appeared beside Ranma. "That's right. He is only half-human. Yusuke reaches the true depth of his power when he transforms into his demon self and combines the power of his rei-ki and you-ki."

"You know, that's getting really irritating." said the downcast Ranma.

Meanwhile, Yusuke, having completed the transformation, gave a hard stare to the startled psychic boy. "Now, you see my real power! Get ready for the fight of your life!"

"You heard him, folks! Yusuke's in his demon form, so I know this match is really going to heat up!" The A.B. announcer declared.

The crowd, however, was not pleased. Boos prevailed over the cheering minority, but, when the crowd looked at said boos, they froze in their place. Various shouts of "Get that half-breed out of the ring!" and "Kill the hanyou!" pervaded the crowd as the demon-half ostracized the half-demon. Yusuke simply ignored them.

Ness, with the slightest look of fear in his eyes, rushed Yusuke with a barrage of PK Fires, but Yusuke dodged them effortlessly. Finally getting within range of his psychic opponent he launched a combo of kicks and punches. Ness, not being used to close combat, was hit by every attack. Regaining his concentration in a brief pause, he grabbed Yusuke and, with a quick psychic thrust, twirled him above his head before jettisoning him into the air. The psychic boy then followed up with a continuous discharge of green energy spheres. The spheres exploded around Yusuke, enveloping him in a huge ball of psychic energy. A cloud of dust was all that remained of the explosion.

Ness was surprised to find that, when the cloud dispersed, the half-demon was yet unscathed. Landing on the ground with a thud, he jumped at Ness with twin ki-blasts in hand. In response, Ness unsheathed a large yo-yo and began to swing it around his oversized head. Yusuke threw the blasts at him, but he evaded them, jumping a small distance away and whipping the yo-yo at Yusuke, bashing him in the stomach. Ness returned the toy to himself and proceeded to swing it at Yusuke in a continuous salvo.

"Hey, that weapon, that's just like when I fought that little kid in the first Ankoku Bukujutsukai!" Kuwabara ran to the side of the ring, shouting advice, "Heyyy, Yusuke! Just cut the string and he won't be able to use it!" Kuwabara was then kicked harshly into the ground by Mai, who chastised him. "Sorry, sorry! Old habits die hard, ya know!"

Meanwhile, Yusuke had gotten tired of being Ness' whipping boy; thus, he pointed his little finger at the boy's hand and shot a small, but swift, Rei-Gan. The blast singed his opponent, causing the boy to drop the yo-yo. Landing on the ground, Yusuke gathered his dignity. "Alright, that's enough. I'm going to finish this." Clasping both hands and pointing his two index fingers out in front of him, he began to charge an attack. "Now: Mashin-Gan!"

Kuwabara lifted an eyebrow. "'Mashin?' That means 'demon heart.' Is it some kind of new demonic attack like Hiei's black-flame thingy?"

The hanyou grinned as he began to let loose a barrage of swift moving ki bullets at Ness.

"Oh. Machine Gun... right," Kuwabara sighed.

Ness stumbled around the blasts, barely avoiding them. Several grazed him, but, fortunately for the boy, none hit him squarely. "Y-y-you're tough... but that doesn't mean a thing when I can do this!" He took a familiar stance and the same wavy, blue aura that had engulfed him before surrounded him. After a few Mashin-Gan bullets were absorbed, Yusuke ceased his fire.

"Okay. I see how it's gonna be now." The half-demon intoned. "I blast you; you get stronger. I could beat you up the old fashioned way, but that would take too long, and you'd probably find some way to use those versatile powers of yours to knock me out of the ring and keep me there for ten counts, or something." He sighed. _Well, maybe there's another alternative..._

"Well, you could always give up." Ness stated.

"Huh?"

"I said, 'you could always give up!'" Ness repeated.

"Ermm... I can't understand a word..."

Ness balled up his tiny fists. "Th-th-that's it! It's time for the _Super-Ultra-Mega_ _PK_ _Thunder_!!" The young boy's body shivered with barely restrained telekinetic energies. He glowed brighter and brighter and brighter until... "_Hiyaaaaa_!"

"Just what I wanted!" Yusuke shouted as he let loose his own powered up Rei-Gan. The two beams of raw power pushed against each other relentlessly, and Yusuke had to strain to keep his blast from losing ground. He could see that the other was weakening, though. "Heh, you may have some good techniques, but, in terms of pure ki, I have the advantage." He winced as he felt his opponent push even more power into his attack. "But... obviously not by much. Guess I'll have to put everything into this!" With that, he exploded with combined you-ki and rei-ki, pushing his opponent backward forcefully. Finally, the Rei-Gan overtook the PK Thunder attack, knocking Ness, unconscious, into the stadium wall, where a rather large crater formed.

"Now to start the count!" The Ankoku Bukujutsukai announcer exclaimed. "One! Two! Three!..."

Yusuke smiled. "Well, I gotta say, that kid was impressive. If it hadn't been for his anger, he could've _really_ given me a run for my money." He winced as his face suddenly hurt. "Not that I would've enjoyed something like that."

"...Seven! Eight! Nine! And ten! The winner of this match, by ring out, is Urameshi Yusuke!!!" The announcer shouted amidst an amalgamation of boos and cheers.

Yusuke walked, albeit with an emphasized limp, out of the ring to rejoin his fellow team members, who were very much enthused over the suspense of his fight and the glory of his victory.

"You did it! You beat 'em!" shouted Ranma. "I didn't think you'd be able to make it through that one!"

"Oh, come on. You didn't have faith in me? I'm so hurt..."

"Hold up, Urameshi! We're not through here!" Kuwabara shouted. "The rules say you gotta fight until you're done for!"

"Oh man, he's right. Oh well, I suppose beating two people to a pulp in one day couldn't be too hard..." With a smirk on his face, Yusuke turned around to face his old rival from school. "Alright Kuwabara, you wanta get beat, you got it."

"So, these two rivals are finally going to settle the dispute of which one of them is stronger!" Team Budoukai turned to find Vegeta uttering his catchphrase.

"Vegeta? What're you doing here?" Ranma asked of the Prince of the Saiy... the Sayin'... the Sayj... oh, whatever.

"And why's your armor all beat up like that?" Ryouko inquired.

"My armor... er... Well, gotta go! Wouldn't want to allude to anything!" In a blast of ki, he sped off toward the horizon.

"Erm... anyway, the next fight: Urameshi Yusuke versus Kuwabara Kazuma!!!"

The two rivals took their respective stances, Yusuke's taking strain off of his injured leg.

"The rules are the same as before. Are you ready? Then, let's begin!"

Yusuke remained where he was while Kuwabara summoned his ki sword. "Same old technique, eh? All this time, you think you could've come up with something new."

"For your information, Urameshi, I do have some new moves, but I don't think I'll need to use them on you!" Kuwabara ran at Yusuke, but stopped short at Yusuke's next comment.

"Just one thing though: Why are you fighting for these guys?"

"I heard about this whole Dark Schneider shtick from that Ness guy, and he said he was going around getting recruits for his team, you know, to stop him and all, and he-" Kuwabara's explanation was cut short by a kick to the face from Yusuke.

"Dumbass, you really shouldn't give speeches in a fight!" Yusuke said condescendingly. However, Kuwabara quickly rebounded.

"Yusuke! You dirty little cheater! I'll show you to cheap shot _me_!" Kuwabara lunged at Yusuke, slashing at him with his ki sword. Yusuke dodged each one, and took every opportunity to jab at the many openings his old friend left.

Finally, Kuwabara jumped back and shouted, "Sword! Get long!" The Rei-Ken obeyed and extended to a length of about twenty feet. He then made several wide-sweeping slashes at Yusuke. Although he visibly made more of an effort to dodge these, he did so anyway and managed to get in a couple shots on Kazuma's face.

"Dammit Urameshi, I thought you were weak now!" Kuwabara was clearly getting frustrated at his inability to land a hit.

"Well, sure I am, but I'm still plenty strong enough to beat you!"

"Fine then, let's see how you get away from _this_!" Letting his sword dissipate, Kuwabara then held his hand out, grasped his wrist with his other arm, and concentrated his ki. Yusuke stood on his toes, trying to get a look at what he was forming. As he finished, a smirk crossed Kuwabara's face. "Now Urameshi, get ready to take my rei-shuriken!" Taking one of the tiny disks he had formed in his hand, he tossed it at Yusuke. The miniature ki circle buzzed through the air and despite Yusuke's quick head movement, still managed to cut his cheek.

"You see, you can't escape!" Kuwabara then threw all four remaining projectiles at his old rival. However, due to Yusuke's efforts, he only suffered a few minor cuts.

"Is that all? I was really expecting more from you." said Yusuke, tsk tsking his opponent's seemingly weak assault.

"Heh heh heh heh heh, they're not done yet!" With a flip of his wrist, the five discuses, which had already escaped the ring and were in the process of shredding some poor demon's shirt, immediately turned around and sped at Yusuke from behind. Unable to see the incoming attack in time, Yusuke was hit head on, causing severe cuts along his arms and legs.

"Score one for Kuwabara, oh yeah!" Kazuma, celebrating his attack, didn't realize the disks were heading back toward him. Suddenly noticing them, he dove to the ground to avoid his own attack. This caused Yusuke to break out in laughter, despite the pain.

"So, you're just gonna laugh at my new attacks? Well, laugh at this one!" Kuwabara spread his hands out and concentrated, forming dozens of tiny needle-like ki darts. Soon, there were hundreds of the petite projectiles at his disposal. Finally, he announced his attack, "Hari-ken Hariken!" The darts sped forth and toward Yusuke, who was preparing a ki attack of his own. But, instead of hitting him, the needles spun around him and enveloped him in a cloud of tiny ki projectiles.

Through elaborate hand movements, Kuwabara commanded each of them to slice at Yusuke. Tiny cuts appeared all over his body as they attacked in volleys of at least twenty each. Yusuke's expression turned grim as he got ready to release his own attack. Finally, he shouted "Rei-Kou-Dan!", sending from his outstretched fist an immeasurable amount of ki bullets. They burst the cloud of ki darts, fully neutralizing Kazuma's attack, and many of the bullets continued to hit Kuwabara himself.

However, the strain was too great, and Yusuke collapsed from the effort. His last words were a mumbled, "I would've won if I didn't feel like takin a nap..."

"Yusuke has collapsed! Will he be down for the count?" The A.B. announcer asked while the T.B. announcer counted each second he laid on the ground while Kuwabara, having recovered from being peppered with ki bullets, laughed and danced over his victory.

"...Nine, ten! The winner of this match is Kuwabara Kazuma." The T.B. announcer shouted into the microphone. Surprisingly enough, the crowd voiced its disapproval.

"The fight was rigged! There's no way a human could beat a demon, even a half-breed like him!" Various indignant shouts were heard across the stadium as Yusuke's teammates pulled him out of the ring.

"Now, who will be the next one to step up and take on Kuwabara?"

Ryouko harrumphed. "I guess I'll take on sword-boy there." She smirked as she walked toward the arena and allowed her own energy sword blaze to life. "After all, demon pride is on the line, here."

The human looked very nervous as he saw the cyan-haired woman in skin-tight clothes float up to his level. "Umm... um... I-I can't fight a girl!"

"I know how you feel..." Ranma commented.

Ryouko's smirk became a downright malicious grin. "I'm so glad you feel that way. It'll make it easier for me to cut you to ribbons!" She held her blade straight at the other while she floated mere centimeters off of the ground.

"Okay! If everyone's ready, let's begin the fight!" The A.B. announcer shouted.

Ryouko instantly blurred out of sight, materializing in front of her foe. Kuwabara brought his Rei-Ken up reflexively, blocking the sword swipe. The gold and red blades clashed against each other, hissing as they rebounded forcefully.

"My," the T.B. announcer commented. "This is certainly an interesting fight."

"Yes, and one that will end in certain _doom_ for one of the contestants!" his counterpart cheered.

The announcer of the Tenkaichi Budoukai glared at the draconic female. "Will you stop that! We're not supposed to be encouraging death, here!"

"I suppose you're right," the A.B. announcer conceded. "That would severely cut down on the brutal torture sequences." She couldn't quite understand why the other began to scream wildly and roll around on the floor. It was as if he were frustrated...

"Hmmm... quite powerful the dark side is."

Ranma looked down to see a small, old guy who reminded him of a cross between Piccolo and Happosai. "Um... who the Hell?"

"Yoda I am. A great Jedi master I am also. Much about the Force I know." The green midget said.

"Yoda da yo?" Ranma exclaimed. "Well... uh, what are you doing here?"

"A lightsaber battle between the powers of Jedi and Sith this is. Here I _must_ be." Yoda responded.

Gene scratched his head. "Er, I don't really know what Jedi or Sith _are_, and, if I did, I'm pretty sure those two wouldn't be them."

"Oh," the green man said. "Well, then." He continued to watch smilingly.

Ranma scowled. "Alright, old man, what are you really doing here?"

Yoda grinned toothily before blurting, "Cut in half someone is going to get! When people get cut in half I must always see!"

"You sadist..." Ranma grumbled under his breath.

Suddenly, Ryouko was cut in half horizontally. "Oh... crap!" She cried as her torso flew upward and her legs collapsed to the ground.

Yoda smiled broadly and disappeared.

Kuwabara gasped and backed away from the demon's severed body, screaming, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't mean... it just slipped, and... oh, God, I just killed a girl!!!"

Ryouko shook her head with disgust as she willed her two halves to float back together. "You baby. I've killed plenty of men, women, _and_ children. Y'think I liked it? No! Y'think I cried about it? Maybe when no one was looking! But, damn, to make a big fuss right in the middle of a fight..."

Kuwabara stared in shock at the sight of two severed halves becoming whole. "Y-you're not dead? You can heal from being cut in half?!" A thought occurred to him. "Oh, man, I'm screwed!"

"You got that right," Ryouko confirmed as she shot toward her prey whilst brandishing her energy sword. "Time to die!" She swung her blade in a downward motion, which the human fighter dodged deftly, but which also left a large crater in the middle of the ring.

Kuwabara quickly unleashed another Hari-ken Hariken at Ryouko, momentarily engulfing her in needle-hell, but a powerful burst of energy swiftly disposed of the obstacle. Kuwabara then threw several rei-shuriken at her, which managed to sever her left hand and entire right arm, but she got better. "Uh... uh... wha'do I do?!" An idea quickly formed, and he summoned a very long Rei-Ken, which he grasped in the middle. "Spirit Fan of Doom!" He shouted, thinking of a name right off the top of his head, and he began to spin the blade very swiftly.

Ryouko easily dodged the attack by flying upward. "Hey, doofus! That trick might've worked for someone on the ground, but for anyone who can fly, the only thing it does is give us a cool breeze!"

"Um... um... oh, YEAH?!" Kuwabara shouted. "Well how about _this_?!" He then put all of his will power into widening his sword as swiftly as possible, which had the effect of creating a spiral ki blast.

Ryouko was quite put off at this as she found herself being moved violently upward. "Damn kid! He's got potential, though..." she grinned in the face of Kuwabara's admittedly poorly named "Spirit Fan of Doom" and charged a powerful energy attack.

Kuwabara's arms gave out, and he was forced to allow his attack to dissipate. "Oh... whoa, that was intense." He immediately noticed the odd red tint the floor was taking, and looked up to see a giant crimson sphere coming straight for him. "Uh, oh..." Kuwabara quickly found himself being pressed face-down into the ground.

Ryouko landed, exhausted from her last attack. She was surprised to see her opponent struggling to get up. "Man, this kid is something else."

As the few remaining shreds of his shirt fell from his torso, the young man summoned a Rei-Ken and began to make his way haphazardly toward the demon. He stared at her for a long moment, and then smiled, allowing his blade to dissipate. He fell to the ground, thoroughly K..

Ryouko frowned as the announcers began to count down. "That little fool. He did that just so he didn't have to fight a girl, I'll bet." She folded her arms across her chest. "I swear, these macho guys are SO old." She adopted a dreamy look in her eyes. "But my Tenchi isn't like that, oh, no! He would always run to me for protection... or away from me for fear of his life, but that was something else altogether..."

The catlike member of Team PK Thunder rose to the stage as the announcers reached ten and telekinetically pulled Kuwabara off of the arena. _You will not find any such sympathy from me, either, Ryouko, _it said coldly. _I am quite intrigued with you, though. You see, I--like you--was merely a creation... an enhanced clone of a previous genetic stock. I was created to be the most powerful pokémon, and you were created to be the most powerful weapon._

Ryouko bristled. "Damare, Mewtwo! I'm nobody's weapon. Not anymore!"

_But you are powerful, just as I am. You will find, however, that my powers are far greater than yours, _the pokémon responded. _Now, if you're ready..._

Ryouko growled and took a fierce stance. "I'm always ready!"

"The next matchup will be between Ryouko from Team Budoukai and Mewtwo from Team PK Thunder," the Tenkaichi Budoukai announcer declared. "Everyone ready? Fight!"

to be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________

Whew! That was something else, wasn't it? I know some of you might be getting tired of the tournament thing, or, if you aren't now, you might later. However, all of the matches that we go into detail with will be crucial to the story (yes, the actual "plot," as hard as it is to believe), so hang tight. Don't worry, I'm sure all the... interesting characters you run into will make it well worth your time. Bye for now.


	11. Chapter 10

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and Fraulein Fryer

Disclaimer: Poor, poor Houston. We've been working on this whole thing, and all he did was suggest a few... er... suggestions in the beginning. Unfortunately, that still counts as contributing, so we must put his name at the beginning of every chapter. So it goes... OH! Yeah, and all that disclaimer stuff too. Thanks to .com for inspiration on some of the new Trunks.

Chapter 10:

The sound of a gong being struck with all of its user's force reverberated throughout the stadium, although it was soon drowned out by the crowd's gaiety over the current fight.

Ryouko sprang from her starting point, energy sword blazing, and charged at the stationary Mewtwo. She slashed at the psychic pokémon, but was surprised to find her blade passing cleanly through an after-image of her opponent.

_Come on, now. At least make this enjoyable._ Ryouko glared at the pokémon after hearing its telepathic commentary, and proceeded to vanish as well. Reappearing behind Mewtwo, she swiped at it once again, forcing it to lunge forward to dodge the attack.

"You're not the only one to do that!" She launched an energy blast at the psychic. Mewtwo, however, caught it in front of him and seemingly compressed the attack into nothingness. Placing its hands behind itself, it charged a dark purple sphere of psychic emissions. Its brow twitched as it released the ball at Ryouko. Not anticipating the wild, constantly twisting course the ball would take; Ryouko was barely able to fade out of the way. Demons and humans alike scrambled to avoid the psychic orb rocketing toward them. Surprisingly, the orb just fizzled away before causing any harm.

Back in the ring, meanwhile, Mewtwo and Ryouko repeatedly teleported around the ring, one launching energy assaults and the other dodging them. Mewtwo seemed content with its opponent's effort, and finally disappeared, reappearing above Ryouko. Then, with a quick midair flip, whipped its tail at Ryouko, bludgeoning her into the ring far below. Quickly arising from the wreckage, Ryouko grimaced at the levitating Mewtwo as it wagged its tail mockingly.

"Chi..ku..._ sho~o_!" With a cry of rage, the former space pirate shot up toward the psychic pokémon and fired an energy blast at point-blank range. Surprised at this sudden burst of speed and firepower, Mewtwo didn't dodge the attack; instead, it took it face-on.

"How do you like _that_, huh?" panted Ryouko with a exhausted smile.

_Not bad, but it's nothing to me._ The psychic voice of the pokémon pierced Ryouko's mind. Though visibly hurt, Mewtwo continued to smirk at Ryouko. With a quick nod, Mewtwo's eyes flashed a bright blue. Suddenly, to Ryouko, a deafeningly loud beep attacked her ears. Clutching the sides of her head in agony, she slowly lost flight and floated uneasily to the ground.

_You cannot win._ The psychic pokémon ceased its mental invasion and concentrated its efforts on itself. Its body shimmered and shone as blue sparkles of psychic energy rejuvenated its burnt body. After a short period it was completely healed; just soon enough to see Ryouko, having recovered, swing a giant incarnation of her energy sword at it. Mewtwo, however, pressed its hands together and charged a giant purple sphere, repelling Ryouko's sword with little effort. The sphere continued to grow at an exceedingly mercurial rate, quickly engulfing Ryouko herself. The psychic ball struck at both Ryouko's mind and body, burning away the top portion of her skin-tight battle outfit, causing her to be exposed.

"Kuso..." the demon cursed as she covered herself.

Ranma clenched his fists as he watched. "Damn! How's that demon-girl gonna beat a guy who can do stuff like that?! Hell, he can even heal himself!"

Ryouko smirked as an idea came to her. "Well, duh! Why didn't I think of it before?!" With that, she sank into the arena.

"Oh! We've seen _this_ technique before!" The announcer of the Ankoku Bukujutsukai exclaimed. "The judges have ruled that, since Ryouko _is_ technically touching the ring, she can't be disqualified for this."

Tenkaichi Budoukai announcer chimed in, "I think the question here is: can Mewtwo manage to avoid ringout, himself, if Ryouko IS the ring!"

A now-stone giant Ryouko rose to hover above her adversary. "That IS a good question, huh, short-stuff?"

Mewtwo glowered, _You underestimate my power._ He summoned a ball of energy above each paw.

"Right!" Ryouko quipped sarcastically as she formed a much larger version of her energy blade. "I just hope I don't accidentally disintegrate any of these people when I slash you to bits..." through with talking, the demon surrogate swiped at her foe, but the other was difficult to hit because of his smallness.

In the stands Washu studied the battle carefully. "Hm. No, I don't think it's just because of the size difference that Ryouko's missing. That creature is psychic, and can thus read people's thoughts. If Ryouko's going to have a chance of winning, the playing field needs to be a bit more level."

The young pilot, Jim, looked questioningly at his mentor. "Wait, how can you do that with a psychic?"

Washu summoned her computer. "Elementary, my dear Hawking. I'll simply modify the link Ryouko and I share in order to include Mewtwo's brainwaves. All I have to do..." a quick, bright, green flash emanated from her computer. "There. His mind's workings have been scanned--and quite an interestingly designed one it is--and now I just have to set Ryouko's brain to pick up its waves."

Jim blinked. "You can do that? How is it that Mewtwo wouldn't know, anyway, since he's psychic?"

Washu laughed. "Well, that's a silly question. You think that, even though I can modify ordinary people to be psychic, I can't create defenses for it? I would have set up Ryouko's, too, but it takes some time to do, and I haven't been allowed to get close to her since we got here and found out these guys were a team of psychics."

"Oh."

"There we are!" Washu beamed. "This procedure, fortunately, is as easy as a tachyonic pulse!" She tapped a button, and it disappeared a second later.

Inside the arena--literally--Ryouko gasped as she felt her senses bloom like a flower. It was as profound as a normal person suddenly seeing into the infrared spectrum. "So..." she said inside her puppet, "that's what you're going to do."

Mewtwo felt his opponent's mind, and started as he felt a sudden uncertainty. It seemed like whenever he felt for what she was going to do, the idea shifted. It was now a mind in constant flux, almost as if she knew that he had... _**No!**_ He quickly created a barrier just before the energy blade was thrust into him from above. He was pushed mere centimeters from the ground, but he managed to telekinetically push the earth away from him. Unfortunately, another strong jolt from Ryouko forced him bodily to the ground.

"1..." the announcer's began, "2..."

Almost immediately, Mewtwo began to glow brightly. Blue light cascaded outward as massive amounts of pure kinetic energy escaped Mewtwo's control, though the amount that flew from his mind's grasp was quite small in terms of percentage. Finally, the mutant clone released his power in a beam that forced the blade away at such a rapid speed, Ryouko lost hold of it.

"Whoa!" Ryouko growled with reluctant appreciation as she stared at her blade being carried into the sky by the powerful pulse, "I didn't think the little guy had it in 'im!"

Mewtwo rose from the crater he had created and smirked. _You "fighters" are all alike. You assume that you must have a strong body to create powerful ki attacks; however, the strength of one's mind also plays an important role._

"6... 7..."

_Why are you still counting?!_ Mewtwo demanded, fixing a cold stare upon them.

The T.B. announcer paused while the other cowered onto the ground in fear. The former straightened. "Well, you see, the rules state that once you are 'out' of the ring, you have ten counts to get back 'in.' You haven't touched the ring yet so you're still 'out.' The same applies for the transverse. You have to touch an object outside the ring in order to be considered 'out.'"

_I see. Well, then..._ with rapid speed, the pokémon rocketed toward the stone Ryouko. Though he was subjected to swipes from the other, he deftly dodged, and, at the last second, teleported onto Ryouko's head. He smiled smugly at the announcers below. _Satisfied?_

"Te--! Oh. Well, I suppose," the T.B. announcer conceded.

Ryouko slapped at the small nuisance on her head, but missed as it again teleported away. "You little pest! I'm _so_ gonna kill you!" She created a new energy sword and began to swing it at her foe. It was somewhat more accurate this time, everyone could see, as she buffeted the barrier-encased Mewtwo around.

Mewtwo countered with a strong psychic drive, which propelled Ryouko a significant distance away. _This may take quite a bit of power,_ the pokémon though privately, _but it may be my best chance. _It began to glow even brighter than before, and its shell of power increased greatly in diameter. "Myaaaaaaaw!" it screeched with strain before dynamic puissance exploded from its shell, slamming into the stony body of Ryouko, completely shattering it.

Ryouko's true body, tights in tatters, plummeted to the ground. "Oof!" she grunted as she landed. She rose slowly to her feet.

"3... 4..." the announcers were already counting as the simulacrum rose halfway.

Ryouko went for a large chunk of ring, but it, as well as all of the other pieces of ring, rolled away from the center of the stadium, then shot upward at breakneck speeds. She looked angrily at Mewtwo. "_You_! What have you done?!"

"8... 9..."

_There's no way you can catch any of those pieces in time. I win._

Confirming Mewtwo's declaration, the announcers shouted in unison, "10! Mewtwo is the winner!"

Ryouko shook with anger. "You cheated me of my victory! I could've won!"

_Perhaps,_ the pokémon accorded. _You are strong enough to match me, but there's more to winning than strength... as I've just proved._

Ryouko sighed, knowing she had been outmaneuvered.

"But, um..." the T.B. announcer interrupted, "How are we going to continue the tournament? The last time something like this happened, it took almost four years to rebuild the ring."

_Simple,_ Mewtwo stated. _Ryouko, would you care to--_

"Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking," she said as she floated into the air.

_A novel experience for me, I must say,_ Mewtwo mused. He raised his arm, and the various pieces of the ring descended quickly from the sky, converging on Ryouko and refitting themselves into a cracked version of her stone body. The pieces then began to melt, courtesy of Ryouko's possession abilities, and reformed into the shape and size of the original ring. The ring then floated gently down to its original position, at which point the demoness emerged.

"Wow." The A.B. announcer commented. "Well, don't go away, folks, because after a short break, we have the next match! Who will step up to battle the mighty Mewtwo?"

Portions of the crowd swarmed toward the exits, searching for refreshments at various stands throughout the stadium. Ranma and co. helped the battle-weary Ryouko out of the ring, while Mewtwo floated to his team's side.

"Sorry 'bout that, guys. I probably coulda took him out." said Ryouko, downcast.

"Don't worry about it, he's most likely tired after that match, he won't be much to beat now!" Ranma cheerily said.

"Yes, I think I will step up and defeat our foe." Suzuka said, brandishing her bokken menacingly.

- - -

Walking through the hall, Mirai no Trunks, Mirai no Chibi Trunks, Chibi Trunks, and "Grand Twink" Trunks, who was holding hands with the present Trunks.

"Why do you gotta hold my hand, Trunks?" The 4-year old toddler asked GT Trunks.

"But, you're just a little boy, Trunks. I wouldn't want you to wander off, now." The effeminate GT Trunks replied happily. "In fact, why don't we all hold hands?"

"Buzz off, you dork." The 8-year old Chibi Trunks stringently refused.

"Yeah, you freak. Ya want people ta think we're all as maladjusted as you?" Mirai no Chibi Trunks agreed harshly as he did lunges down the hall.

"You know, since we're all basically the same guy, people are gonna think things no matter what we're doing." A freakishly huge super-deformed Trunks appeared beside Mirai no Trunks, walking along as though he had always been there.

Screams of terror of various intensity filled the hall as each incarnation of Trunks looked upon the 4-foot diameter head of the newcomer Trunks.

"W-w-who're you?" Chibi Trunks finally sputtered as his malformed counterpart looked him over.

"Me? I'm Billy Bo Bubba Trunks, the best Trunks of 'em all! I came here from the future to kill Goku."

"Kill... Goku? Why would you want to do that?" Mirai no Trunks politely inquired.

"I'm your evil clone! I want everything you don't!" Bubba Trunks stated with a laugh.

"Oh... then you want this corn dog, right? I dropped it on ground three times already, so I don't want it anymore." Mirai no Trunks produced a dust-and-dirt covered, half-eaten corn dog.

"That's not what I meant!" The freak Trunks cried indignantly. "I mean I'm here to do everything you don't want to happen!"

"Oh...Well, I don't want you to get me some candy, so don't!" Chibi Trunks said matter-of-factly, immediately sending Bubba Trunks scuttling off toward the nearest concession stand. After he was out of sight, the Trunks huddled.

"What are we gonna do about him? He'll give us Trunks a bad name!" Mirai no Chibi Trunks proclaimed irritatedly as he performed calisthenics. "I mean, thanks to GT Trunks, everybody already thinks we're gay! We don't need to be evil and disgustingly hideous, too!"

"Hey, come on! You guys all know I'm not gay! I mean, just ask Pan!"

"Pan? You don't mean Gohan's future daughter about whom you spoke earlier, do you? The one that's about thirteen years younger than you?" Mirai no Trunks queried.

"Er... Did I say gay? I mean pedophilic." Mirai no Chibi Trunks corrected himself from the floor, where he was doing pushups.

"I'm back! Here's your candy--- the candy _that you don't want_!!!" Upon returning, Bubba Trunks gave Chibi Trunks a bag of sweets and broke into maniacal fits of laughter.

"Oh, hey, thanks." The recipient of said candy snatched it away from him. "Er, I mean, OH NO! What have you done?" He shouted in mocking horror while stashing the fruits of his deception into his pocket.

"I'm so evil! You said you didn't want candy, but I bought some for you anyway!" shouted Bubba Trunks.

"Sorry, but you can't hang out with the pretty likes of us! You're too ugly." GT Trunks said, heroically.

"You think you can just ignore me 'cause I'm not beautiful like you? Okay, 'pretty boy', bring it on!"

The foppish Trunks assumed a fighting stance. "Well, whatever turns you on!" He said with a smirk while the other Trunks restrained the urge to beat him within a inch of his life for saying something that unmasculine.

"Hey, maybe GT Trunks, tired from his battle with Bubba Trunks, will mysteriously get incinerated in a blast of unknown origin!" Mirai no Chibi Trunks said suggestively, only to be silenced by a sharp glare from Mirai no Trunks.

"We can't kill him; he's hasn't done anything deliberately wrong."

"Well... I suppose you're right. Well, let's just hope that they finish each other off then." Mirai no Chibi Trunks hoped vocally.

- - -

The intermission had ended, and the majority of the crowd was piling back into the stands. The two announcers stepped out into the sunlight and looked at each other, then raised their microphones.

"The next matchup is here! Who from Team Budoukai will step into the ring and take on the terrible Mewtwo?"

Suzuka strode forth from her team members and walked into the ring.

_Interesting choice..._ the vaguely catlike creature transmitted. It conjured a shield for itself and continued, _either you're desperate, or you just need to get rid of this weakling in favor of some other fighter._

The other four members of Team Budoukai exchanged eight and a half glances.

"Enough!" the extraterrestrial kendoka declared as she took a ready stance. "Now you will learn why they call me Twilight Suzuka!" She charged the pokémon with fervor, raising her bokken high.

_Onna no baka!_ Mewtwo roared mentally as it shot a massive beam toward her. The beam seemed to pass through a rapidly dissolving Suzuka, where it went on to blow Gene Starwind's shirt off.

"Aw, damn!" Gene complained.

"You're finished!" Suzuka cried from above her foe as she brought her (wooden) blade down upon its head.

- - -

"Who's your daddy naw, hah?! Who's your daddy, naw?!" Bubba Trunks hollered as he continued a merciless assault upon GT Trunks' fanny.

"_Aaah_! _Aaah_! No more!" GT Trunks begged.

Mirai no Chibi Trunks shook his head... then pushed it down, and back, and to the left, and the right... "Man, look at that. It's so... well, y'know. And he's beggin'--"

"Augh! I'm not--ah!--gay! Erg! I'm not--ugh!--enjoying this! Yow!" GT Trunks growled.

Trunks proper tugged on the pants leg of his much older self. "Umm... Mirai no Chibi Trunks... maybe we should help him."

Chibi Trunks nodded. "Yeah, my younger, stupider self is right. We Trunks have to stick together! Except, y'know, for the evil ones..."

The three futuristic Trunks exchanged a meaningful glance; then went Super Saiyajin at once. They charged into battle, first liberating GT Trunks from the humiliating Blow of the Penetrating Savage technique, and then ganging up on Bubba Trunks like a street gang.

"What up, bo'! I know you ain't wantin' none o' this!" Mirai no Chibi Trunks whooped as he began to kick the deformed Trunks while he was down.

"Hey, M.C.!" Chibi Trunks interjected, pulling the older him away from the bleeding freak of nature. "The author said 'like a street gang.' It's a simile. It doesn't actually mean we've gotta be all punk."

M.C. Trunks blushed and scratched the back of his head. "Oh. Gomen nasai. I got a little over vehement..."

Mirai no Trunks drew his broadsword which, despite having been shattered by the jinzouningen beyond repair, seemed to be back to normal. One could only assume that he got a new one. "I'm gonna finish this!"

Bubba Trunks rose to one knee. "Oh, no, you don't!" He reached for his own sword, only to discover that either his head was too big or his arms were too stubby. Whatever the case, he could not unsheathe it. "Oh, numbnuts!"

"Kiyaa!" Mirai no Trunks vociferated as he proceeded to dice Bubba into perfect, minute cubes. He then held his palm toward the still-falling-apart dead clone and blasted him into dust. He then breathed a sigh of relief. "Man, that guy's power... it was... mind-boggling!" The other three Trunks stared incredulously. "What?!" he asked. "A guy can't say his own dubby catchphrase anymore? What's the world coming to?"

- - -

The screech echoed throughout the stadium. Suzuka was on her knees, holding her head in pain. "_No~o_! That attack... the... the Omni Contem...plation Psycho... Barrage Dreaming... Force Assault... it was too powerful for words!"

_Now you know what it is to fight a true master of telepathy and telekinesis._ Mewtwo stated.

"I... I won't give up!" Suzuka declared. "You'll have to break every bone in my bod—_eeeee_!" The kendoka found her legs ripped out from under her.

Mewtwo glowered at the woman. _I can see that you're telling the truth; just remember you brought this on yourself. _With that, the pokémon began to wrench Suzuka's body about. _Somehow, I had expected fighting humans to be... enjoyable. Instead, I find it even more tedious than fighting pokémon! _it raised a paw mere inches from Suzuka's body. Its stubby fingers flexed, then clenched hard. At that moment, Suzuka felt an enormous pressure on her entire torso that pinned her arms to her sides and squeezed the air out of her lungs. Panic set in, and she fought against the force with all of her strength, causing her head to thrash back and forth as her legs kicked at the air, but the rest of her body remained completely rigid in Mewtwo's grip, the crushing pressure unchanged by her effort.

"No! I won't let you do this!" Suzuka gurgled. She struggled powerfully against the psychic attack, but only succeeded in moving her arms three and seven sixteenths centimeters away from her body. She quickly found herself slammed to the ground.

Mewtwo's eyes glowed as it turned its paws so that their palms faced each other in a swift motion that bent Suzuka over backwards in mid-cough. The cough caught in her throat, choking her, as her legs and arms were yanked toward the ground while her torso remained in place. Her hips, back, and shoulders dissolved in an explosion of intense tearing pain, and the screams that she had been holding back burst out of her all at once. With a grunt from Mewtwo, the force increased, until Suzuka felt as if her body was about to break in half. Yet again, she found herself expending her energy in a futile attempt to break Mewtwo's hold on her, but, if anything, her efforts only made the pain greater.

_You see now that struggling is what causes you pain? If you give up, you'll be able to fight another day; however, you do not have the raw power to oppose me._

Suzuka simultaneously felt and heard the sickening snap in her left hip as the pain flared to an instantaneous climax, and her left leg curled under her at an impossible angle. Bile rose in her throat, but she choked it back and bit her lip to keep from screaming in pain and terror. It was only seconds before Mewtwo shifted its grip, twisting her in the opposite direction and drawing out fresh screams again. Then, it reversed the force again, and again, wringing her like a wet dishtowel; and each time, the pain seemed to double as her body was twisted in a different, more uncomfortable way. The base of her spine in particular felt like it was about to crack and Suzuka knew that if that were to happen, she would be lucky if losing her leg was the worst that happened to her.

Ranma pounded his fist against the side of the ring. "Dammit, Mewtwo! Stop it; stop it, now! This scene has totally been done in another fanfic, you plagiarist!"

Mewtwo sighed mentally and obliged, throwing her out of the ring. Suzuka, however, had other ideas. As soon as her right leg touched the ground she rebounded back into the ring. "I told you I won't let you beat me!"

Ranma cringed at each scream that rose from the arena as Mewtwo twisted Suzuka's body up like a pretzel. His hands clenched into fists, and more than once he had to forcefully restrain himself from leaping into the ring to Suzuka's aid. There were other sounds amid the screams: pops and cracks that had to signal Suzuka's body being torn apart from the inside, but the poor, brave woman was living through it all. The whole horrible, twisted nightmare. She just wouldn't give in... And until she did, it would just go on and on....

"Okay, okay! Uncle!" Suzuka shouted.

_... Huh?_ Mewtwo mentally asked after a second.

"I said, 'Uncle!' I give!" Suzuka responded. "Could you let me down now? I'm kind of almost dead, here.

Mewtwo silently relinquished his hold on the kendoka.

"_Wow_! That was quite a display of violence and torture! It gave me goose bumps!" The A.B. announcer exclaimed.

"That was horrible!" the T.B. announcer protested. "I haven't seen that kind of brutality since Tenshi... um, I mean... _Ti_enshinhan fought Yamcha!"

The demon-woman glanced pithily at her co-host. "Hey, this is a demon tournament! Give the fans what they want!"

"Not when it means such a gross display of... of _evil_!"

"Oh, so now we're evil, huh? Is that it?!"

"Well, yeah! You're demons aren't you?!"

The A.B. announcer's finlike ears twitched. "Why you... I'll show you _evil_!" She leapt toward the human with ferocity, clawing at his torso. She had managed to tear his tuxedo jacket and shirt completely off before he managed to pull her into a submission hold.

"Wild Smoke Signal Quark MST3K Siege!" The T.B. announcer proceeded to blast the girl with a powerful ki attack whose results were ghastly.

Mike: Wow, this is the worst fanfic I've ever had the horror to read.

Jay: I know! It's like: where's the actual plotline?! These stupid

writers keep putting completely irrelevant information in, and seem

intent to leave out the relevant stuff. They don't even mention that

the Ankoku Bukujutsukai announcer's name is Juri!

Houston: See, what they need... is some Furi Kuri.

Mike: (hits Houston with a Lantern-Electron Inundator) Shut up!

Houston: Furi Kuri! Furi Kuri! Furikurifurikurifurikuri!

Jay: (shakes head sadly) It's not gonna work man. Just let it go...

The Ankoku Bukujutsukai announcer sweatdropped

Mike: See, "sweatdropped" isn't even a word. Come on, if you're gonna

write some Ranma 1/2 crossover, you could at least use grammatically

correct terms...

and screamed in horror as the MSTers relentlessly criticized her very world. "Stop it! Just please make it stop! You're driving me _crazy_!"

Jay: (imitates Juri's voice) "with lo---ve!"

she then proceeded to pound her head relentlessly into the ground. "Aaaagh!"

"Come on, man!" Ranma prodded, "Suzuka's torture was bad enough to watch! This is sick!"

Mike: Kinda like your bedroom fantasies.

Ranma rolled his eyes and flipped the MSTers off.

The T.B. announcer acquiesced, allowing the MST3K signal quarks emanating from his body to diminish.

Houston: (voice fading) Furi Kuri~i...

As Suzuka was helped away from the ring, an ominous laugh invaded the minds of Team Budoukai. Mewtwo floated in the ring, doing what would be its equivalent of smirking.

Ranma turned to face it. "How dare you beat up on innocent girls like that?" He growled at the psychic pokémon.

"Well, she's actually a mercenary. She's not really innocent, what with the killings and all..." corrected Gene.

Ignoring him, Ranma jumped into the ring. "I'll take you on now! Get ready to face the full might of the Kai Ou no Musabetsu Kakutou Ryu!"

_______________________________________________________________________

There's... just... too many! Too many Trunks! Can't... name them all! ... Oh, wait, I guess I can. Here goes... There's Present Trunks, the four-year old from this point in Dragonball Z, Chibi Trunks, the smart-mouthed 8-year old from the Buu saga, Mirai no Chibi Trunks, the same Trunks, except from the end of DBZ, Mirai no Trunks, the "Future" Trunks, and finally, "Grand Twink" Trunks, from the infamous romp throughout space and lawsuits called DBGT. Also, there's this Billy Bo Bubba Trunks, but I don't think he'll live very long.


	12. Chapter 11

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and Readers like you.

Disclaimer: We don't claim Trunks. He belongs to Akira Toriyama sama. We don't claim Chibi Trunks. He also belongs to Akira Toriyama sama. Nor do we claim Mirai no Trunks, for he too belongs to Akira Toriyama sama. We also don't claim Mirai no Chibi Trunks, for he too belongs to Akira Toriyama sama. We especially don't claim GT Trunks, and we feel sorry for anyone who does. I mean, the guy's a Twink!

Chapter 11:

_You presume to take me on, boy?_ Mewtwo shot an angry glare through Ranma. _I'll tear you apart worse than I did your friend._

"You'll pay for that! I'm not gonna hold back on you!" growled Ranma through gritted teeth.

"That's right, ladies and gentlemen! It's gonna be Ranma versus Mewtwo! Who will win in this battle of the titans? We'll find out, right after this intermission!" The T.B. announcer proclaimed, to Ranma's chagrin.

Turning from the ring, Ranma muttered to himself. "I swear! Stupid intermissions..."

_What's the matter, boy? Lose your confidence in the last minute? Afraid to take me on all of a sudden?_

Ranma ignored the mental bombardment of insults and walked from the ring. Although, not completely without reaction. "Stupid Mewtwo... I'll take him out. I will! I have to!"

- - -

The dank smell of spoiled stadium food pervaded the hallways inside the concession area. Several different incarnations of Trunks, all from some version of the future, stood over a well-done corpse of an evilly hideous parody of themselves.

"Well, I'm glad we got him out of the way... He would've been trouble, you know?" Mirai no Chibi Trunks said matter-of-factly while GT Trunks, even though he was in no way helpful in the victory, danced around like an idiot.

"Oh yeah, Trunks time! Can't touch this!" He shouted in between side-to-side shuffles and crotch grabs. Finally, Mirai no Chibi Trunks backhanded him. Unexpectedly though, GT Trunks flew into the far wall, surprising everyone, even Mirai no Chibi Trunks himself.

"What the... Did I just do that? I... didn't mean to... But it was still cool! Come 'ere, twink! Let me do that again!" He shouted excitedly.

GT Trunks emerged from the wreckage of the wall. "I am _not_ a _twink_!" He shot a ki blast into Mirai no Chibi Trunks, sending him into the wall as well.

"What's going on? We're stronger, for some reason. Maybe it had something to do with the fact we just killed a Trunks..." Mirai no Trunks suggested.

Suddenly, Piccolo appeared out of nowhere. "Yes, that's right, Trunks. You all absorbed some of Bubba Trunks' life force when he died. Now, you're all stronger as a result." Unfortunately though, his sudden appearance startled the young Present Trunks into crying.

"Hey! Piccolo, you jerk! You scared him! Get outta here!" Once again accidentally overusing his power, Chibi Trunks shoved Piccolo, jettisoning him through the wall and into the horizon.

"Wow. I guess he was right though." Chibi Trunks looked at his own hands with disbelief as Mirai no Trunks attempted to calm the frightened toddler. However, everyone's attention was caught by Jet Li, who ran by rather quickly, for he was being pursued by Jet Li.

- - -

"Alright, people! Let's get this started! The match between Ranma and Mewtwo will begin soon, so please take your seats!"

Ranma and Mewtwo stared fiercely at each other from opposite sides of the ring as the crowd poured back into the stands.

"Are you ready?" The A.B. announcer asked the crowd, and was met with a roar of enthusiasm. "I said, are you ready?" The crowd roared once more. "Then, let's get this show going! Ranma versus Mewtwo! The match begins..." A gong sounded. "_Now_!"

Immediately, Ranma jumped through the air at Mewtwo and thrust a foot at his face. However, Mewtwo teleported behind Ranma mere milliseconds before the attack would hit, and, with a simple hand motion, shot Ranma into the ring floor. Rebounding off the ground, Ranma disappeared from sight. Everyone in the stadium glanced around for his whereabouts. However, the psychic pokémon simply launched a mental blast upward and caught him in mid-air. The pigtailed martial-artist was launched even higher by the attack, now sailing far above the ring.

"Mouko Takabisha!" Ranma sent a blue ki blast downward at Mewtwo. As the blast approached him, he merely smiled and put his hand upward. The blast stopped in place, and, with another hand motion, shot right back up at Ranma, who had to twist in mid-air to avoid it.

After successfully dodging his own attack, Ranma looked down for Mewtwo, but he had vanished. In a brief flash of light, the psychic pokémon reappeared above Ranma and, placing his hands together in a butterfly position, sent Ranma plummeting at great speed toward the ground. If not for Ranma's advanced experience in aerial fighting, he surely would have met painful results, but he merely handsprang off the ground and landed on his feet.

The pigtailed martial-artist quickly looked up to find his opponent charging a large psychic ball in his hands. The purple sphere grew larger with each second. Mewtwo's concentration was evident as the sphere reached the size of a car. Finally releasing it with a loud grunt, the ball rocketed down toward Ranma, who ran to the side to avoid it. However, the ball changed course mid-flight to follow him.

_Chikusho! How'm I supposed to get away?_ he thought as the ball changed its trajectory to mimic his every move. Finally, he jumped up, seemingly to meet it head on. However, as the two met, Ranma contorted his body to spin out of the way. The psychic orb sped past him, allowing him to connect with a series of punches and kicks on Mewtwo's frame. The physically frail pokémon felt the brunt of each blow until he finally knocked him away with a burst of psychic force.

_Not bad... but not good enough!_ Mewtwo then proceeded to pummel Ranma with a flurry of psychic blows. Each hit was like a strike more powerful than any he had taken before. He couldn't fend them off either, due to their metaphysical nature. However, Ranma began to resist the blows.

"_Kai Ou Ken_!" Ranma's ki surged. His aura alone was enough to free him from the mental onslaught, startling Mewtwo. Taking advantage of this, Ranma immediately put both his hands forth and launched a powerful ki wave at his psychic adversary. Mewtwo shielded himself, but it wasn't enough to dispel the attack, as Ranma put more of himself into it. The attack overpowered Mewtwo's defense and engulfed him in the energy. After dousing him in the attack for a few seconds, Ranma released it. However, when the blast dissipated, Mewtwo had once again disappeared. Reappearing behind Ranma, he grasped the pigtailed martial-artist's throat.

Purple bolts of electricity arced across Ranma's body as Mewtwo channeled his power through his opponent. Screaming in pain, the Kai Ou Ken died out, and Ranma was left defenseless in the hands of Mewtwo. Flashing a cruel smile, Mewtwo released one hand and tossed Ranma in front of him with the other. He then shot forth a beam of mental energy at the pigtailed martial-artist. Ranma was sent flying into the very top edge of the stadium, sending patrons running from his landing site.

"He's out of the ring! I'll begin the count... One!" The T.B. announcer narrated Ranma's predicament with the ease that could only be obtained by several decades in the announcing business. "Two!"

However, Ranma soon burst from the wreckage and, jumping high into the air, kicked downward at Mewtwo, who blocked with a combination of mental energy and his own two hands. The two exchanged blows rapidly, until Mewtwo finally let loose a blast of psychic energy, knocking Ranma to the ground.

_You __**cannot win**__!_ Despite the deadpan tone of his telepathic speech, Mewtwo was visibly angry. A purple sphere of energy formed around him as he began to focus his energy into himself. His muscles swelled with energy, both figuratively and tangibly, as the bony frame of the psychic pokémon expanded into a muscle-bound form. Finally acquitting the concentration, he released a breath. In light of this new modification, Ranma only smirked.

Sitting up from his position on the side of the ring, Yusuke gawked at Mewtwo's transformation. "Wha?!? It's like a body-wide Big Arm Bomber! ... That's a lot of 'B's..." He said dumbly, almost forgetting the fight in his own grammatical quandaries.

With a diabolical grimace, Mewtwo darted forth, punched at the pigtailed martial-artist, and caught him on the chin with incredible power. Ranma was hard-pressed to keep his footing and counter-attack with an array of Katchuu Tenshin Amaguriken speed punches and kicks. Mewtwo blocked each attack somewhat easily, and managed to get in a few hits in the process. Ranma couldn't keep up the barrage for very long because of the fatiguing speed he maintained, so with the intermittent attacks, he was soon knocked away from Mewtwo.

Ranma, however, simply rubbed his cheeks and assumed the Imperial Block of the Panda against Mewtwo's advancing attacks. Dodging some blows and deflecting others, he led the pokémon in a spiral pattern. Finally reaching the center, Ranma jabbed upward with a corkscrew punch, shouting, "Hiryuu Shoten Ha!" The ensuing whirlwind launched his opponent into the air, buffeting him in the torrent.

_What? Why didn't I see this coming? Why couldn't I read his mind? _Mewtwo quite literally thought to himself.

"Heh heh heh, you weren't counting on my 'Soul of Ice' acting as a mental barrier, were you?" gloated the pigtailed martial-arti—Wait a second. Ranma, you can't hear him. He's thinking to himself, and you're not psychic.

"I'm not? Then how did I hear him?" Ranma asked of me.

I don't know; maybe you read the script or something. Now stop it! I said austerely.

"Fine, fine..." He finally submitted. Meanwhile, Mewtwo had escaped the storm, but not without sustaining visible damage.

_Damn you, Saotome Ranma! I'll kill you if I have to!_ Mewtwo rushed him once more, thrusting a mighty punch at Ranma's torso. However, the pigtailed martial-artist spun out of the way and grabbed the pokémon's psychically augmented fist, and pulled with all his might in an attempt to throw him. However, Mewtwo's hand... just came off. Ranma stumbled forward, and then, regaining his balance, examined the object he had wrenched from his opponent's body.

"What's this supposed to be? Styrofoam?" Ranma held the foam fist at Mewtwo who stood gripping the chink in his armor where he had lost the fist.

_Shimatta! How dare you attempt to remove my armor! I'll defeat you without it then!_ Mewtwo placed his arms at his side and, with a grunt, sent the Styrofoam muscle enhancements flying from him in all directions.

If _this keeps up, I'll win for sure. I've got him on the ropes as it is!_ Ranma cogitated. Mewtwo winced, causing Ranma to smile at the remembrance of his opponent's telepathic abilities. "Heh, I guess, bein' psychic, you know what's comin' next," and he charged the pokémon with fervor, striking out with all four limbs; touching the ground only long enough to keep his body aloft.

The mutant clone was unable to read his attacker's moves at all, as the boy was maintaining his Soul of Ice, and so he was struck by all four of his attacks, not even managing to minimize their impact with psychic barriers, as he had been throughout the fight. Grunting with each impact, he tried in vain to escape the constant salvo of strikes.

"EhhheeearrrRRRGH!" Finally, in a terrible shout of rage, Mewtwo unleashed the full brunt of his psychic powers, creating a deafening shockwave that tore through the ring. Ranma was knocked into the wall, instantly creating a crater in his place. Mewtwo continued to flood the arena with thousands of psychic blast in random directions as the audience began to panic.

"Mewtwo's letting it _all_ hang out! Will Ranma survive? More importantly, will our poor stadium survive?" The T.B. announcer screamed as the walls begin to crack under the pressure of Mewtwo's psychic might.

"Chikusho! He'll take out the entire audience if this keeps up! Gotta do something!" Ranma escaped a stray bolt of energy. Suddenly, an idea came to his mind. Letting one telekinetic blast connect, he contorted his body around it, allowing the blast to send him up into the air. The pigtailed martial artist then maneuvered in mid-air to get directly above Mewtwo, where he wasn't sending any balls of energy.

Smiling at the apparent success of his plan, he broke into a dive towards the "eye of the hurricane". Mewtwo was creating the blasts out about four feet in front of him, in all directions. Inside this radius of doom was a safe zone, of sorts. Ranma's velocity climbed as he approached the berserk telekinetic. Finally mere inches from him, time seemed to stop around Ranma as he sensed the massive swirling ki patterns that were resulting from the blasts. With a satisfied smirk, he shouted out once more, "_Hiryuu Gyoten Ha_!!!"

The sudden downward thrust bulldozed Mewtwo into the ground, immediately ceasing his onslaught. The psychic pokémon screamed both in mind and in voice as thousands of pounds of pressure pressed down on him, flattening him into the ring floor and creating several sizable fissures branching out from the crater that was forming around him.

Finally, the attack dissipated, and Ranma fell to the ground. Mewtwo wasn't moving. The portions of the audience that had not managed to escape stared in disbelief at the incredible attack that had taken place before them. Even the two announcers, who had been holding each other in their fear, gawked at the amazing display of strength that had taken place. The T.B. announcer regained his senses first, and pointed towards the remains of the ring where the two lay.

"Did you see that? I mean, _did_ you see _that_? This, ladies and gentlemen, is what martial-arts tournaments are all about!!! Both contestants are down, so I'll begin the count. Remember, though, that there are no double knock-outs! Okay, one! Two! Three!"

Neither Ranma nor Mewtwo moved in response. The announcers continued chanting, and some of the audience had joined in. They were now at six and still neither opponent moved.

Ranma's senses returned to him. The cheering crowd and the sound of the T.B. announcer shouting, "Eight!" instantly propelled him onto shaky feet. While the T.B. announcer continued counting, the A.B. announcer proclaimed Ranma's apparent victory.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Ranma is back on his feet! Will Mewtwo be able to do the same, or is this match won?"

Ranma turned to his grounded opponent with a smile. _You fought well. In the end, it was your loss of cool and dropping your guard that allowed me to get the win. And I don't care if you can hear this._

"_Ten_! The winner of this match, and survivor for the next match, is Ranma Saotome!" The scatters of the crowd cheered for the victor. "Now, let's take a short break to allow him a moment of rest, as well as to repair our poor ring!" Several jewelers poked their heads up at the latter comment.

The pigtailed martial artist sighed and sat down on the edge of the ring. "Shimatta. I really wore myself out fightin' Mewtwo. I hope I'll be able to take this next challenger on..." his eyes widened as he realized just who was left on the opposing team.

"Saotome san." Mai interjected, coincidentally enough. She remained calm as Ranma went through the obligatory motions of the "promise pose." "I just thought you should know... I'm just as strong as Mewtwo... I mean, in terms of telekinesis."

"Oh," Ranma responded. "That's... good to know, I guess."

"_Ra~anma~a_!" Akane shouted.

Said martial artist leapt into the air, claiming, "I wasn't flirtin' with her, honest!"

Akane tilted her head quizzically. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Er, why did you yell at me?"

Akane smiled, "Oh, I just was just going to give you encouragement, you know? I really hope you beat this Mai girl up bad!"

"Wait, what?" Ranma was understandably confused. "Are you feeling alright, Akane?"

Mai looked suspiciously at Ranma's fiancée. "So... Akane. We meet again. And... how is Tofu sensei?"

"Wouldn't know," Akane retorted in an icy tone, "He was dropped after issue 109..."

"'Dropped,'" Mai intoned severely. "Just... 'dropped?' Like he was nothing?" She clenched her fist angrily.

"I don't see what you have to be angry about. I mean, at least you have friends who are still alive... and knew your dad... and aren't being depended upon to save the whole world even though you can't," a voice said.

Ranma, Mai, and Akane looked down to see Trunks sitting glumly on the ground. He was one of the younger Trunks... but—no!—he wasn't quite young enough. He looked to be only about fourteen. Ranma spoke up first. "Um, who are you, exactly?"

"Oh, I'm Trunks--"

"We figured that," Akane said testily. "But which one?!"

"Y'mean there are others?" the young Trunks asked unassuredly. "That's weird." He thought for a moment before saying, "Well, if this helps you, I'm from a time when two evil jinzouningen have ravaged the planet. I used to help my sensei, Son Gohan, fight them, but Gohan sensei died last week... last week for me, that is."

"Oh," Ranma said. "He's just like Mirai no Trunks, 'cept he's smaller... a 'Chibi' Mirai no Trunks."

"Okay, sure. It's really sad, you know, for everyone you know and love to just get killed like that." Chibi Mirai no Trunks said gloomily.

"Yeah, whatever, kid. Why don't you go run and play, or something." Ranma was beginning to get irritated.

"Okay. I don't see how I'll have fun, though, seeing as how I don't have anything left to live for." He moped off, ignored by Ranma and the others.

- - -

A few minutes later, the crowd sat in anticipation of the rapidly approaching match. Finally, the Ankoku Bukujutsukai announcer stepped out into the middle of the ring, microphone in hand.

"Are you ready for the next match?" The crowd shouted its approval. "Well then, the ring is ready. Let's get the next fighters out!"

Ranma stepped tiredly onto the ring as Mai did the same. "It looks like it's gonna be Saotome Ranma and Kuju Mai! Will Ranma be able to overcome his fatigue, or will he be a pushover for Mai? Let's find out! Fourth match, Ranma vs. Mai! Get ready!"

The two took their respective stances, Ranma forgoing his usual elaborateness for a simple kenpo stance. "Let the fight begin!" A gong sounded, but neither fighter moved.

_She's just as strong as Mewtwo if she's tellin' the truth. How'm I gonna fight her, though? She's a girl! _Ranma thought, hesitating to attack. However, as he thought this, an old woman carrying a bucket of water and a ladle caught his attention. Before he could react, the woman flung a ladleful of water on him, drenching his upper body and transforming him into a girl.

"Don't I know you from somewhere?" Onna-Ranma asked indignantly. "Oh well, at least now I can fight!" As the old woman shuffled off, oblivious to her surroundings, Ranma reassumed his stance and thought carefully.

"Oh my! It looks like... like... Ranma's been turned into a girl? I have to wonder if anyone in the stadium knows what's going on, because I certainly don't!" The T.B. announcer shouted deliriously.

"Hey! What kinda trick is this? Team Budoukai's substituting members in! That's cheating!" The crowd voiced its denunciation.

"The crowd appears to be accusing Team Budoukai of cheating! Now that you think about it, they could have done something with the real Ranma... The fight is now suspended until the judges render a decision!"

"Kuso!" Ranma cursed as she rolled her eyes. "Ah, well, at least this'll give me time to rest..."

_Chotto,_ a deep voice rumble through the heads of the crowd. _This is, indeed, Saotome Ranma. He--or she, as the case may be--is a victim of the accursed Jusenkyo!_ An astonished hiss made its way through the demon half of the crowd as they recognized the name.

"M-Mewtwo?!" Ranma exclaimed. Soon after, a circle appeared on the scoreboard signaling that the judges had voted in Team Budoukai's favor.

"Well, it looks like you won't get that long to rest, after all!" Mai said as she visibly prepared herself. A sphere of energy manifested itself around the young girl as she began to call on her psychic energies.

"Okay, then," the Ankoku Bukujutsukai announcer shouted, "Let's get this thing started!"

The faux-female martial artist decided to take advantage of her light-weight body and dashed toward Mai at top speed. Unfortunately for her, Mai had already erected a force barrier, meaning that Ranma might as well have been running into a steel wall. "Augh!" she blurted out as she slid down the invisible shield.

"You might have been a challenge for me at one time," Mai informed the martial artist, "But having these powers of mine has only served as incentive to hone them to a greater extent."

Ranma struggled off of the floor. "Same for me," she growled. "If you think you've got the advantage of experience, then think again. I've been through a heckuvalot more than you." She brought her hands together and began to charge her ki. "Mouko Takabisha!" she shouted as she released the beam of kinetic energy, immediately following the attack with a scream of, "Kai Ou Ken x10!!"

The psychic girl winced as the reinforced blast shook her telekinetic barrier. Sweat began to pour from her brow as she pushed the beam of raw force upward.

- - -

"Hey, who's the redhead?" Gara asked of his green-haired companion.

"Not sure," Abigail muttered, "I just got here a minute ago, myself. I don't see the little boy who challenged Dark Schneider, either..."

Gara stared at his companion. "Um... y'know... it may not be my place to say anything, but maybe this midli... err... middeath crisis of yours has gone too far... I mean, that's some freaky--"

"It's completely natural, damn you!!" Abigail screeched as he fled the balcony.

"Geez... touchy."

- - -

Mai sank to her knees, exhausted. "Wow... I didn't expect such power from one person..."

Ranma stayed on her feet, but felt just as bad as her opponent looked. _Damn. x10 put way too much strain on my body, but I gotta end this quick... the readers're gonna get bored and then I'll be outta a job. _Her resolve strengthened, Ranma prepared to go on the offensive once more.

The psychic girl gasped as she saw this. If she could keep on going after stressing her powers to the limit in the first exchange, she was doomed. A plan popped into her mind. It was something she would never do under normal circumstances. In fact, it was something she wouldn't do even under these circumstances.

A wizened old man with a long, gray beard and wearing a simple, brown tunic appeared in the throng of fighters that was Team Budoukai. "There has been a great disturbance. I heard the groaning of a thousand nerdy souls suddenly vanish."

"Really?" Yusuke mused. "Well, a thousand more lost readers can't hurt anything, right?"

"That girl!" the man exclaimed. "She has unwittingly tapped into... into the OOC Side of the Plot!"

"Wait," Gene Starwind interrupted. "We have a... 'Plot?'"

"Yes," the old man said. "The Plot flows through each of us and binds the entire fanfiction together. I am a practitioner of the Canon Side of the Plot, which stresses order and logic above all else... but fear, anger, and just plain stupidity can hurl a character, and thus the entire balance of the Plot, into chaos!" He narrowed his eyes. "Expect that girl to do something completely odd and unexpected... and for no one to be particularly surprised for some reason."

Mai rose to her feet with an odd smile on her face. "Well, Ranma... it's time to finish this!" And with a single motion, she rendered Ranma immobile.

to be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________

The last few months have been quite conflict-filled for us on the front. It seems that we were drafted into an interdimensional war involving Syrup Cubes from beyond the stars. They began to breed humans, genetically enhancing them and growing them in vats of bacon gravy. Fortunately, we had our sporks. I don't even want to _think_ of what would have happened had I not had the foresight to pack those. Well, that's our excuse... what's _yours_?


	13. Chapter 12

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and Readers like you.

Disclaimer: We... we... stuff.

Chapter 12:

"So... what should we do with this one?"

The Trunks gazed down at the small, cowering form of Chibi Mirai no Trunks. Mirai no Trunks spoke first. "Listen... um... Mirai no Chibi Trunks... he'll get over it. I swear... I mean, he's just my younger self. But I was never this bad, just to make it clear."

Mirai no Chibi Trunks gave his alternate-dimensional self a skeptical glare as he performed squats. "I'm sure you weren't... *cough*pussy*cough*!"

"Hey!" Mirai no Trunks retorted, "At least he's not GT Trunks!"

Mirai no Chibi Trunks' pace quickened drastically.

"That's not fair! I am _so_ not that ba—" GT Trunks began, but he snapped his head suddenly to the side. "Guys... did you hear something?"

Sure enough, after a moment's wait, the assembled Trunks saw a fur- and gold-covered version of themselves sporting a pair of fashionable shades walking toward them at a leisurely pace, flanked by five nubile, young women. "Hey, listen, babes," he was saying, "Pimp-T's got all you need. Now, alls ya gotta do's...." He paused as he saw the group of hims. "What the f--"

"Watch yo' mouth!" the brunette with her hair done up in a ponytail chastised.

"I... I know these girls!" Mirai no Trunks exclaimed. "They showed up at Okaasan's house a couple days ago... selling cookies!"

"How dare they?!" GT Trunks demanded, outraged. "What of Kaasan's poor _thighs_?!"

Pimp-T glared sourly at GT Trunks. "Daaaaamn, boy. You is a MAJOR twink."

"Shut up."

"_Pimp-T_!!" a voice bellowed from across the hallway. A man dressed in a formal tuxedo and theatre mask stepped out of the shadows. Brandishing his cane, he said, "The only man to pimp _these_ hoes shall be me!"

The other assorted Trunks backed away nervously as Pimp-T shed his fur cape. "Yo, Tux-bo'. You ain't got _nothin'_ on this!" Moving quickly, he drew his own cane, but, unlike Tuxedo Mask's, this one was gold-plated with a dragon mounted on its head. A golden aura surrounded the cane, as well as the rest of Pimp-T's body as he transformed.

The five Sailor Scouts all swooned at the display, and the blonde sporting a red ribbon on top of her head actually fainted with delight.

Tuxedo Mask raised his hand to shield his eyes against the reflection of the aura off the gold. "His... his bling-bling... so immense!" He drew three roses from his suit. "But it matters not!" With that fierce statement, he tossed his weapons with a master marksman's aim.

All to no avail. Pimp-T swirled his cane in front of him, crushing the roses in midair. He then drew a tiny pistol, also gold-plated, of course, and pulled the trigger. What came out was no mere bullet. No. Pimp-T had channeled his powerful ki into the pistol, and a blast of literally earth-shattering proportions escaped the barrel, disintegrating the other man immediately. "Well," he said as he put his weapons away, "That'll teach 'im not ta mess wit' da Supah PI--MP!"

"Oh, Pimp-T!" the blond with odangos clutched the very "street" Trunks adoringly. "He may have been my destined love, future king of Earth, and father to my child, but that doesn't matter anymore. Please... let _me_ be your main ho!"

"Back off!" the raven-haired Sailor Scout challenged. "If he wants anyone to be his main ho, it's _me_!"

Pimp-T laughed good-naturedly as he donned his cape. "Don't worry, babes. Pimp-T won' let none o' ya go wit'out. Now, why don't ya run along, huh?" With that, he lightly swatted the blue-haired one's rear as she scampered off tittering.

- - -

The old man at the side of the ring shuddered. "The disturbance is greater than I thought. I should go attempt to avert this massive swing to the OOC Side of the Plot, but..." his eyes snapped back to the ring. "I... I think this disturbance, however minor, is... ah... of vital importance, and..."

"Oh, why don't you just stuff it," Akane grunted. "You old 'masters' are all alike." She glared at Mai, who had almost completely disrobed and was now gyrating seductively in front of a frozen Ranma in only her bra and panties.

Akane reddened with rage and cupped her hands to her mouth, shouting, "_Ranma_! What do you think you're doing ogling her like that?! You're a girl, too!"

Ranma shook her head dazedly. "But... she... so much cellulite!"

Mai clenched her fists angrily and stared at the pigtailed martial artist. "How dare you? I'll teach you to insult a woman's body-image!" Thrusting her left hand forward, she discharged a pulse of telekinetic energy, which Ranma dodged deftly. Mai cursed. "I'll show you... even if my... my... body isn't _good_ enough for you, _this_ should suffice for _any_ man!" Reaching behind herself, she undid the clasp of her bra and whipped said garment completely clear of her body. Breathing in deeply to enhance the effect, she grinned smugly, saying, "How do you like it?"

Ranma stared, trembling, at the exposed bosoms in shock. "Wow."

Akane seethed. "'Wow'? '_Wow'_?! I didn't even get a 'wow' when I walked in on him naked!!"

"Those," Ranma continued, "Are _even smaller_ than _Akane's_!!" She continued to shake with the sheer improbability of such a thing. Finally, giving into her urges, she collapsed on the floor, guffawing uncontrollably. "Smaller... than... _Akane's_! Wahahahaha! Haha! Aaaaahahahahaha!"

Akane, meanwhile, crossed her arms warily over her chest and blushed. "It's not that funny..."

Mai was similarly embarrassed, but to a much larger degree. "Augh! How dare you? Can't you at least drool a little? Blush, maybe?"

The old man suddenly appeared in the arena next to Mai. "Do not fret, young lady. Your proportions are... most pleasing."

The psychic girl stared up at him with a disgusted look plastered on her face. After she removed the plaster and suitably cursed the damnable construction worker who had dropped it on her in the first place, it was revealed that her actual face was similarly afflicted. "Who, exactly, do you think you are to be talking to me that way?"

"I am Booby-Wan Ke..." he flustered, "I mean... Obi-Wan Kenobi. Jedi Master. And dead." His mouth cracked into a lecherous grin as he inched his hands toward Mai's chest. "Of course, not _all_ of me is dead!"

Blushing and crossing her arms over her exposed flesh, Mai fled the arena, with Obi-Wan in hot pursuit. Ten counts later, Ranma was declared the winner.

"It seems Mai was brought back to the Canon Side at just the right moment," Piccolo commented, appearing out of nowhere and scaring the bejeezus out of everyone.

"Well," the Tenkaichi Budoukai announcer declared, "It seems that the winner of this bout is Team Budo--"

"_Not_..." an impossible-to-understand high-pitched voice shouted, "So fast."

"What's huh?"

Ness, the leader of Team PK Thunder, stood, as intimidating as a toddler in a baseball cap and knickers could be, at the entrance to the arena. Beside him, a humanoid figure wearing a straightjacket and muzzle was strapped to an upright table with machines galore attached to him. This figure glared murderously at Ranma and the other members of Team Budoukai, aching for the feel of their blood in his hands. "We still have one last member."

The Budoukai announcer adjusted his sunglasses and held the microphone up to his mouth. "Well, it seems that that's the case. So, next up..." he looked at his clipboard. "Tetsuo!"

Freed from his trappings by Ness, Tetsuo telekinetically created a shockwave that simultaneously crushed the bed he had been restrained on and knocked down everyone in the arena who had been standing. "Now," the wild-haired, almost Vegeta-like, young man intoned, "You will all _pay_!"

Ranma cocked her head at her newest opponent skeptically. "Pay for what?"

Enraged—mostly because he had no idea how to respond and didn't want to seem like an idiot—Tetsuo launched himself at Ranma, psychic energy crackling around his body.

"Begin!" the Budoukai announcer quickly shouted as he dove for cover. The shockwave that proclaimed the initial exchange of blows between the two fighters helped him considerably in his escape... right into the wall.

The Ankoku Bukujutsukai announcer, simultaneously ignoring the astounding action behind her and drawing the readers' attentions away from one of the best scenes they would have ever had the extreme pleasure to read had it not been for her, rushed to her co-host's side. "Oh... Tenkaichi Budoukai announcer. You've been injured... injured doing what you most believe in... announcing."

"Y-yes, Ankoku Bukujutsukai announcer. The life of an announcer is hard and dangerous... but we must carry on if we are to bring vocal narration to the spectators of a sport. They can't just SEE with their own eyes, don't you see? They need us to _confirm_ that they're actually seeing whatever it is they're seeing and not just hallucinating because of all the beer they've been drinking to heighten the experience of an otherwise dull event."

"Oh, you're so courageous," the Ankoku Bukujutsukai cooed.

"Yes. I know, Ankoku Bukujutsukai announcer," the Tenkaichi Budoukai announcer conceded.

"Tenkaichi Budoukai announcer," the Ankoku Bukujutsukai announcer whispered softly. "Please... call me 'Juri.'"

"Alright," the Tenkaichi Budoukai announcer allowed, "But only if you call me... 'Bob.'"

"Bob."

"Juri."

Getting back to the part that actually mattered, Ranma clutched her side painfully. She had taken quite a beating from Tetsuo, but the other was in rough shape as well. The last exchange had been so great, in fact, that _both_ of them had lost their shirts. This, of course, meant that Ranma's exceptionally female chest was dangling out for all to see. Unfortunately, Tetsuo wasn't the type to be distracted by that. Fortunately, however, Akane was.

"Don't you know there are _people_ watching, Ranma?" Akane blushingly chided as she quickly put a tank top over the pigtailed martial artist's head. "Have some feminine modesty, for God's sake!"

"But, Akane," Ranma responded. "We're Buddhist. How can we do anything for 'God's sake?'"

"Well..."

"I mean, I'm sure if God existed, his sake would get you pretty damn drunk, but, since that ain't the case..."

Akane sighed and walked off the stage, completely ignoring the scream of pain that escaped Ranma's lips as she was blindsided by Tetsuo.

"Mukatsuku!" Ranma cursed. "It's time to finish this once and for all!" Leaping into the air, the martial artist summoned the Kai Ou Ken x10. Bringing her wrists together with her hands splayed in opposite directions, she went through the motions of her favorite ki-projectile technique.

"You think you'll get the best of me?!" the mad psychic screamed as he lifted himself into the air, a field of raw power emanating from his body.

"You'll see," Ranma retorted as she brought her palms to bear on Tetsuo. "Mouko Takabisha... x10!" The normally blue sphere, now coated in the energies of the Kai Ou Ken technique, rocketed from the martial artist like a cannonball. It struck a counterblast from Tetsuo halfway through its trek, and both attacks held firm for several seconds before both fighters lost control of their blasts, causing telekinetic energy to whip about in all directions.

Tetsuo used his telekinetic powers to fly out of range of the powerful blasts and to give himself a literal upper hand against his opponent. The insane, genetically enhanced human had never fought against someone with his own level of telekinetic abilities, and found that the bravado he'd gained with his "improvements" was rapidly fading away. It was fine to walk around acting as if he was invincible when he actually _was_, but this chick had actually been hurting him. Had been causing him _pain_. The wild-haired young man's rage began to build up in him as he saw that woman who had _dared_ to cause him pain below, trying to build up yet another ki-projectile.

Ranma was currently concentrating all of the power she had into this last Mouko Takabisha. She realized that the Kai Ou Ken, in its ten-fold form, had taxed her body too much. She wouldn't have been able to take any more damage anyway, so she might as well put everything she had into it. This attack, she would make sure, would hit its mark. "Mouko Takabisha x10!"

Tetsuo, still hanging in the sky, had charged his own devastating attack. He could sense that, even though he'd strained his brain to the limit, he would only be able to match the other's attack, if that, but he would still have enough power left over to fight. This foolish woman would not. With a determined grunt, he tossed his attack straight into the heart of the Mouko Takabisha, but then the unexpected happened.

"Holy crap!" Yusuke exclaimed as he saw Ranma's forearms begin to cross. "I... I think he's gonna do it! B-but that's _crazy_!"

Ranma jerked his arms quickly away from each other, remotely commanding his super-charged Mouko Takabisha to split in two. From there, he directed them into an arched path to either side of Tetsuo.

The attacks collided with incredible force, crushing the insane fighter between them. The explosion caused by impact was joined by a twin eruption from the ground where Ranma had stood not a moment before.

By the time the smoke cleared, Tetsuo's body had already hit the ground--and hard enough to form a sizable crater. He and Ranma were both lying prone on the arena floor. Five counts passed, then six, seven, and eight...

"Look!" Gene exclaimed. "He's gettin' up!"

Tetsuo struggled to his feet, legs wobbling traitorously beneath him. As the announcers reached ten, he was the only fighter left standing. "Well, that was... pretty good," he commended gaspingly. "Too bad you're... such a weakling."

"Well!" the Ankoku Bukujutsukai announcer shouted to the audience. "It looks like Team PK Thunder is the winn--"

"Hey, hold up a sec!" Gene cried. "I'm still here, aren't I?!"

The reptile-eared hostess stared at the red-haired human at the side of the ring. "Are... um... are you sure about that?"

"What do you mean, 'are you sure about that?' Of course I am!" Gene protested.

"All right... it seems that Team Budoukai's fifth fighter has deigned to take the ring. Let's all say a final prayer of farewell for the brave soul!"

"Geez," Gene muttered. "It's not like my chances are _that_ bad... plus," he held up his gun, "Since weapons are allowed in the rules, I can use some of my... 'special' shells."

High up in the stands, Jim Hawking watched his friend ascend the steps to the ring. "Oy. Gene's done some stupid stuff before, but this really takes the cake."

Washu smiled tranquilly. "Oh, I'm sure he'll do all right."

"What are you talking about?" Jim asked incredulously. "I mean, Gene can fight pretty well, sure. He's a black belt... but this guy's a monster!"

"Honto," Washu conceded, "But he does have some of those nifty Caster shells, right?"

Jim's eyes widened. "Oh. Yeah."

Back at ground zero, Gene drew a bead on his opponent, who simply laughed as if it were some great joke. "Well, this something I'm more familiar with. Some idiot firing at me for all it's worth, not even realizing that his stinkin' bullets can't hit me!"

Gene's eyes narrowed as he grumbled under his breath, "You just keep on thinking that, ugly." As soon as the announcers declared the match begun, the space outlaw began firing manically. The bullets bounced harmlessly off an invisible bubble around Tetsuo, but Gene kept going until, finally, his gun simply clicked.

"Empty?" Tetsuo mocked. "Too bad. I think you almost had me with that last one." He gestured lazily at the outlaw, causing a strong pulse to traverse the distance between them, but his opponent adroitly dodged to the right.

As he ran in a semicircle to the other end of the ring, Gene loaded one of his caster shells. "I hope this works; I paid good money for this." Skidding to a stop, he aimed and fired his ki-powered bullet.

"Ha, haven't you learned yet that bullets won't sto--" the maniacal fighter gloated before the bullet struck his force field. He was interrupted when arcs of electricity containing hundreds of volts of power coursed through his body. When the voltage assault ceased, Tetsuo was considerably blacker than he had been before. "Wh-what kind of weapon was _that_?"

"Caster shells," Gene answered simply as he loaded another in his gun. "Like 'em?" Aiming again at his stationary target, he pulled the trigger, causing a glowing blue missile at the psychic.

Tetsuo quickly put his mind to deflecting the attack rather than blocking it outright. He telekinetically managed to curve its path; thus, it missed him entirely and exploded into the bottom of the stands. The shockwave caused both him and Gene to lose their balance, however, so Tetsuo found himself face down on the ground.

Gene, at the very edge of the ring, struggled to insert his last Caster shell. _Damn, all those people. Well, no time to dwell on it, now. If this doesn't kill that little bastard, nothing else will, but I need to make sure it actually __**hits **__him. _He quickly got to his feet and saw that his opponent, body still weak from his fight with Ranma, was still on his knees. "Only one thing to do." Dashing at the fallen warrior, Gene leapt into the air, drawing careful aim.

Tetsuo smirked. Raising his arm toward the air bound outlaw, he unleashed all of the telekinetic energy he'd spent his time on the ground gathering, and the blast tossed Gene into the air, ripping his gun from his hand and his shirt from his torso. "That'll teach you to mess with a god," he murmured as Gene's body hit the ground behind him.

The captain of the Outlaw Star opened his eyes painfully. He saw his gun clatter to the ground in front of him, and he turned his head with no little effort to see Tetsuo standing, arms in the air, celebrating his sure victory. _Still got that one Caster shell left. Just gotta get to the gun._ With that thought, he began to crawl slowly toward the weapon. His progress was slowed by the fact that he had to crawl over Ranma's prone form. _Damn author, forgetting to write Ranma out of the ring!_

Upon reaching his gun, Gene grabbed it as a drowning man would a lifesaver. Rolling onto his side, he took careful aim at Tetsuo, whose back was still turned. "See you in Hell, buddy," the outlaw muttered right before pulling the trigger.

Tetsuo heard the shot. Turning about, he nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw a black sphere of energy coming right at him. He almost relaxed when he saw that the bullet had been hanging in the air for almost a second, but then he realized, _I didn't stop it..._ That was the only thought that managed to pass through his conscious mind before the bullet collapse and, like a miniature black hole, pulled and warped his body inside of it.

A loud clap of thunder resounded through the stadium, then silence. Even the crowd, shocked at what had just taken place, held their applause for several moments.

After blinking a few times to make sure his eyes hadn't deceived him, "Bob" excitedly announced, "It seems that Tetsuo has been completely obliterated. Team Budoukai can finally be declared the winner!!"

- - -

"So, ah," Mirai no Trunks explained to the assembled group at Capsule Corp. "Apparently... uh... 'Pimp-T' discovered the 'special invitation group' that's invited to compete in the Ankoku Bukujutsukai every year. He says that they compete against us next round."

Kaeru-Goku nodded and emitted a small string of ribbits. Genma, in panda form, held up a sign that said, "He says, 'So who are they?'"

Pimp-T brushed his fingers through his hair and responded with an arrogant lilt. "Oh, they's the Sailor Scouts. Fine babes, but they ain't got no chance 'gainst you. I just had to get... close... an' they was fountains o' info."

Bulma raised her eyebrow suspiciously. "Okay... Pimp-T. Now, you never actually explained where in time you're from?"

The pimped-out version of Trunks sniggered. "Ah, I ain't from no time o' yours. Y'see, they's lotsa diff'ren' dimensions an' all... in mine, I jus' happen to be way mo' pimp than these guys o'er here." He looked at each of his dimensional twins in turn, "No 'fense to ya, 'course. Just sayin'..."

"None taken, I'm sure," Mirai no Chibi Trunks grumbled as he agitatedly continued to bend titanium bars with one hand each.

"Well," Yusuke said. "I guess if they're as weak as you say, we should go easy on 'em. Koenma might get mad if we completely humiliated a team he was assigned to..."

Ranma nodded. "I guess so. Maybe we should each fight 'em one on one. We c'n let 'em have a few hits; then take 'em out quick and painless."

"Ranma," Akane chided from her seat beside him. "You shouldn't just 'go easy on 'em' because you think they're weak. That'd humiliate them even more! It would be like they weren't worth your consideration!"

"They ain't," Ranma stated bluntly, then stood. "'Scuse me. I'm going outside for a walk." He quickly shuffled out of the room.

- - -

Ranma sighed as he looked toward the rapidly dimming horizon. "Akane just doesn't understand. I'm just trying to save them from looking like total idiots. 'Course, it seems like, when I do, they just make themselves into total idiots." He sighed again and continued his promenade.

_I've been waiting for you._

The pigtailed martial artist halted suddenly. "Huh? Who's that?"

The psychic pokémon from Team PK Thunder floated silently out of the deepening shadows. _I had hoped you would hear my summons._

"Wh... what? You mean you're the reason I wanted to go for a walk?"

Mewtwo smiled in his own unique way. _Not entirely. I was only able to plant the notion of "outside" in your head. I had hoped that your mind would then find some excuse to come._

Ranma snapped into a fighting stance. "So, you wanna rematch?"

_Far from it,_ the creature communicated. _I want to give you something. Something that will help you to defeat Dark Schneider, seeing how my team will no longer have that opportunity._

"Huh?" Ranma was stunned. "What's your beef with Schneider?"

"I _told_ you not to call me that!" Dark Schneider shouted as he popped out from behind the bushes. "I don't want to sound like I'm German or something!" He then vanished as mysteriously as he had come.

_ANYway... Dark Schneider wants to destroy the world. I certainly don't want that... at least, not __**complete**__ destruction as that fool desires. There is something I can give you, though, that will grant you power beyond even my own._

"_Really_?!" Ranma asked excitedly. "What's that, what's that?!"

Mewtwo's catlike eyes narrowed to slits. _I must warn you that it is somewhat dangerous for one untrained in the mental aspects of ki-control. You see, there is a technique I discovered... it is known as the Mind's Eye Orb. If I perform it on you, it will imprint my knowledge and a great deal of my power to you._

Ranma was even more stunned. "Wow... that's good. How much power, exactly?"

_My level, by pokémon standards, is 80, but the scale is different from your own. By your 'scouters'' standards, I would have a power level more approximately 8,000,000. I would estimate that, power wise, you would receive between half and three quarters of that; therefore, your level would be at least 7,750,000, excluding your Kai Ou Ken technique, of course._

"That's over twice what I got right now! Sweet!"

_Of course, there is my knowledge to consider. You see, I am psychic, and, thus, I have been able to absorb and memorize the fighting styles and techniques of many martial artists, including your teammates'._

"A'right, you don't have to sell me any more on the idea!" Ranma exclaimed. "Do what ya gotta do!"

Mewtwo nodded. _That, I will._

to be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________

OMG! What will happen next?! Seriously, though, we're gonna try to wrap this up as quickly as possible. I promise Team Budoukai's next two fights will be nowhere _near_ as long as this one was... I can't say as much for some _other_ teams' fights, but Budoukai's is mostly in the bag till the finals. I must warn you, though: these next couple fights _will_ involve some weirdness on the major scales, which, of course, is why we're doin' 'em! _Yay_!


	14. Chapter 13

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and That Guy!

Disclaimer: Um... my leather jacket, my Kirara doll, and, oh, a demonic sword of death. Any one turn anything like that in, yet? Oh, wait... "dis"claim, you said?

Warning: Consumption of Chapter 13 of The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover may lead to bouts of misfortune, encounters with Satan, and death. If you exhibit any of these symptoms, please discontinue use and consult a physician.

Chapter 13:

Akane bolted upright when she heard the scream. "Oh, no! That sounded like Ranma!" Darting off with blinding speed, she smashed through the Capsule Corp. wall as Shampoo muttered something about a copyright infringement lawsuit.

"Ranma!" Akane cried out as she approached her fiancé, who lay on the ground writhing in agony. "Oh, Ranma, what happened to you?"

"M-muh... Me... Mew..." he gasped.

"Oh!" Akane gasped. "Did you see a cat? Of course. Only a cat could make you scream like a little girl."

Had Ranma not been in such agony, he may have countered this insult with a witty rebuttal, but, as it was, he could only snarl painfully. Several of the other people who were staying at Capsule Corp. until the end of the Ankoku Bukujutsukai quickly joined his fiancée and helped to carry him inside, where he was cared for by all of his so-called fiancées plus some of the other various unattached women in the building.

- - -

Happosai scanned the Nerima landscape. This section of Nerima was near Tomobiki Koukou, and held a secret of unfathomable proportions. The old gnome hadn't wanted to do this, but he knew he had lost his best pupil to the side of—bleagh!—decency. Moreover, his former student was growing far more powerful each day. Now was the time to unleash his darkest secret.

From the shadows, a lanky figure emerged. Dropping to one knee, he ventured, "What is thy bidding my master?"

"It's a disaster! Saotome we're after."

"What if he could be turned to the hentai?"

"Yes! He'd make a powerful ally. Another dark hentai!"

"He will join us or die!"

With that, the two began to break-dance as they shouted, "We got panties. Panties! We got panties. Panties! Man, you know that we got it. Panties! Man, you know that we got it. Panties!"

- - -

Ryoko, Gene, Yusuke, and Akane all stood around the moaning Ranma. Even though he had rested the entire night, it seemed that whatever was ailing him still hadn't abated.

"Well," Ryoko said. "I guess we go on without 'im. I mean, I'm sure we won't need him against wimps like those sailor-girls."

Akane growled, "_No way_! We can't leave Ranma behind! Even if he's sick, I know he wouldn't want to miss our fight! Besides, maybe he'll feel better by the time our match comes up."

"I guess," Yusuke allowed, "We could take him early to see the Team Darushe fight. I know that being around a rival who's kickin' ass always got _me_ fired up."

"I s'pose that's okay," Gene conceded. "Let's get 'im lifted, then."

_Whatever's going on with you,_ Yusuke thought to himself as his mouth stretched into an anticipatory grin, _It had better be good. I can feel your ki changing; growing! Well, whatever you come out as, I'm definitely gonna wanna rematch!_

- - -

"Hello and welcome to the IWF telecast from the Ankoku Bukujutsukai stadium where the dreaded Team Darushe will be taking on your heroes and mine, _Team Muscle_!" a well-dressed man with a suave voice announced to the crowd. "I'm Mac Metaphor."

"And I'm Doc Nakano!" his short, portly companion put in. "Hey, Mac, here's the opposing team now!"

As flaming skulls, rampaging demons, and other scary stuff played on the video screen behind them, Dark Schneider and his Four Lords of Chaos entered to the tune of Burn in Hell.

_Welcome to the abandoned land_

_Come on in child, take my hand_

_Here there's no work or play, only one bill to pay_

_There's just five words to say as you go down_

_You're gonna burn in Hell_

_Oh, burn in Hell!_

The white haired warlock flexed his biceps as flames arched around his body while his teammates took various nonchalant stances of their own.

_Take a good look in your heart; tell me what do you see?_

_It's black and it's dark, now is that how you want it to be?_

"Well, this team really looks pumped tonight," Mac observed loudly. "Tell us Dark Schneider, what brings you here today and what do you have in store for Team Muscle?"

Dark Schneider snorted. "Once I win this tournament, I'll have all the power I need at my disposal to destroy the world of the future. This 'Team Muscle' is just an obstacle on my road to victory!"

_Hear no evil, don't you_

_See no evil, don't you_

_Lay no evil down on me (you're gonna burn in Hell)_

_Speak no evil, don't you_

_Think no evil, don't you_

_Play with evil, 'cause I'm free (you're gonna burn in Hell)_

_You're gonna burn in Hell!_

"Well, you heard it from the leader of Team Darushe, himself," Mac announced. "Can Team Muscle cognitively quip a comeback for these demonic despots of doom?"

"Well, we're about to find out," Doc retorted. "Here comes Team Muscle, now, with the famous Muscle League champion, himself, Kid Muscle, at its head."

A fierce quintet of wrestlers entered the arena. To the Muscle Planet prince's right, the horned Dik Dik Van Dik and the insuppressible Texan, Terry Kenyon, strode heroically. On the opposite side, the heavily armored Kevin Mask and the safety-conscientious German, Jaeger, stalked. Behind them, their own theme song played merrily.

_I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane_

_With a rabid wolverine in my underwear_

_When suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat_

_Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes._

_I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie?_

_Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?_

_Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?"_

_I probably would have kept on guessing,_

_But about that time, we crashed into the truck!_

Kid Muscle flexed his own magnanimous muscles to the groan of the crowd. "I'm gonna pound these guys into the ground! I'm gonna rip them limb from limb! Just you watch!"

"We believe in you, Kid!" a beautiful brunette shouted from the crowd.

"Let's just hope we don't regret those words..." her blue-haired compatriot muttered.

_All you need to understand is_

_Everything you know is wrong!_

_I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin_

_When I got a nasty paper cut_

_And, well, to make a long story short_

_It got infected and I died,_

_So now, I'm up in Heaven with St. Peter by the pearly gates_

_And it's obvious he doesn't like the_

_Nehru jacket that I'm wearing._

_He tells me that they've got a dress code._

"You guys are wimps!" Gara taunted. "I could take each and every one of you out myself!"

"Just try it, little shinobi," Kevin threatened in his menacingly British accent.

Dark Schneider chuckled... well, darkly. "It's obvious that you idiots are no match for us altogether. However, to prove to you that I'm not _all_ bad, I'll vouch for a special kind of match setup."

"And what would that be, igzactly?" Terry asked with a stereotypical southern drawl.

"Here me out," the fire wizard offered. "Each of us will fight one round and one round only. Whichever team wins three-out-of-five will be the victor."

Team Muscle huddled. "It's true that their team has more members of adequate quality than our own," Mask said.

"Hey!" Dik Dik protested.

"Interesting that you automatically assume I was talking about you..." Kevin quipped.

"Okay, so what yew're sayin'," Terry whispered, "Izzat they've got less of a gap in abilities between 'em than we do, right?"

Kevin sighed, "Yes. The strongest of us would have to shoulder the weight of the opponents the weaker would be unable to defeat. I think it's best if we take their offer. They most likely feel rather confident in their ability to win..."

"Okay, let's do that!" Kid Muscle agreed. Breaking, the spandex-clad alien announced bravely, "Alright, Schneider!"

"Don't call me that!!"

"We accept your terms," the young Kinnikuman finished.

"In that case," Gara said flippantly, leaping over the ropes that had apparently been installed over night, "I'll be the first to fight, if you don't mind."

Kevin Mask climbed into the ring with malice in his step. "Very well, then. I shall have the honor of breaking you in front of all these people."

Gara drew his mystical katana from his belt. "You can certainly try." Taking his stance, he waited for the opening bell to ring.

"RING!!" the bell bellowed.

"Feh," Kevin grunted as Gara slashed at him. He simply sidestepped the attack and backhanded the ninja across the jaw. When the strike did nothing but annoy his opponent, the knight weaved back from the ferocious follow-up flurry of fury.

"My, my. That's one ferocious follow-up flurry of fury," Mac Metaphor _stole_ from the author. "But it seems that Kevin is easily evading the swarm of saucy strikes!"

"That's right, Mac," Doc interjected, "You see—" Suddenly, a white-booted foot descended upon the old man's head, causing his mic, along with his wig, to fly upward.

Piccolo caught both the wig and mic and placed them neatly on his head. "You see, Mac, Kevin is utilizing a strategy first seen in his battle against Kid Muscle in the Choujin Crown. His focus is on nothing but evading his foe's attacks, thereby wasting no energy at all. This doesn't mean he's entirely defensive, though. He can switch from serene evasion to brutal attack in a fraction of a second."

"Hey," Mac grumbled. "I was going to say that!"

"I don't know how they do it where _you_ come from," Piccolo retorted, "But around _these_ parts, I'm the one who has all the answers. And I'm not sharing!" With that, he ejected his purple tongue from his mouth.

"Why you..." Doc threatened.

"Whoa!" Mac exclaimed, completely oblivious to the conflict. "It looks like Kevin has just unleashed some of that offensive power of his. And when I say 'offensive power,' I actually _do_ mean he's started kicking the crap out of Gara."

"I don't know _why_ you felt the need to explain that," Kid Muscle commented. Everyone stared at him warily. "Wh-what?"

Kevin cleared his throat. "Anyway, where were we?"

"Ah, I believe you were delivering a nicely executed uppercut, which you were about to follow with a vicious stomp, and, at that point, I was going to grab your rapidly descending foot, then twist your ankle, causing you to collapse to the ground," Gara supplied.

"Thank you, sir," Kevin Mask said before delivering a nicely executed uppercut, which was followed by a vicious stomp. Gara, however, grabbed his rapidly descending foot, and then twisted his ankle, causing the knight to collapse to the ground.

Maneuvering himself to lock Kevin's leg behind him, Gara glanced smugly at the author of this fanfiction. "Now who's stealing from whom?" He plainly ignored the fact that it was already in the script to begin with. "Liar... as if there were actually a _script_!"

"Indeed, this is little more than a mediocre jeu d'es prit," the traitorous Kevin agreed, obviously forgetting the fact that the author controls all, including one's... performance. "But, uh, enough breaking the fourth wall! Let's get to it."

"My pleasure," Gara responded, pulling back sharply on the still-grounded knight.

Kevin clenched his hands into fists and gritted his unseen teeth. "Now you've done it, shinobi. I'll destroy you with the power of... the Maelstrom technique!" With that, a golden aura surrounded him and his ki rose dramatically. He kicked his held leg, tossing his captor into the ropes as he lifted himself to his feet. By now, even his hair had transformed into a turbulent saffron hue.

"Oh, my God, Ma--" Doc began.

"_**Oh, my God, Mac!!!**_" Piccolo hollered over the bald man like a drunken frat boy. "This is the famed Maelstrom technique of the Mask Family! All that is known about it is that the practitioner's hair turns gold and his power and abilities increase by an indeterminate amount! Why, it's pretty much _exactly_ like the Super Saiyajin technique!"

"Hey, he's right!" Mirai no Trunks realized. "Do you think there's any connection?"

"Nah," Mirai no Chibi Trunks dismissed. "It's just coincidence." The purple-haired Saiyajin had obviously never heard of the author of this fanfic's motto (one of 'em, anyway): Nothing is coincidence... not even the fact that wieners are shaped _exactly_ like... the Empire State Building!

Dark Schneider cocked an eyebrow. "Well, this is certainly an interesting occurrence. His power level is phenomenal."

"That it is," Gara agreed as he righted himself. "Too bad it's not as phenomenal as _mine_. Now I'll fight you at full power." Dashing forth, he began to slash at Kevin at a swifter pace than ever before. The golden knight could do nothing but dodge and parry with his bracers, and, even so, his armor was being slowly chipped away.

"Damn!" Kevin cursed. "Even with my Maelstrom power at full burn, I can't seem to find an opening."

Gara ceased his attack all at once and drove his knee hard into the knight's gut. Holding his katana high, he then struck the back of Kevin's helmet with the butt of his sword. "You don't get how weak you are, do you? We're the Four Lords of Havoc, and our power is limitless."

"Is... is that what you think?" Kevin menaced as began to stand. "Do you really think that you are the height of power? Well, you are a fool if that's the case." His body began to glow even more brightly. His entire body, in fact, seemed to become a part of his golden aura. "I said before that my Maelstrom power was at its maximum. Actually, I lied. You see, this is me when my Maelstrom power and my body are in full sync!" With that declaration, he began to pummel the surprised Gara.

In the stands, Ranma became motionless as he seemed to concentrate on something. A small grin began to work its way across his face.

"R-Ranma?" Akane stuttered. "A-are you awake?"

Yusuke snorted. "No. He's just beginning to feel the fight heat up. I think he likes it."

Ryoko laughed. "Well, I'm sure the kid's _really_ gonna like it when he takes these guys on for himself." Her expression then became serious. "Hmm. That Mask guy is really putting out some power. I'd say it's close to the amount that Goku was giving out before he... you know... got trapped in a frog's body. This Gara guy seems to be barely holding his own, but he also seems to be the weakest member."

Yusuke nodded. "Yeah. We'll all need a major boost in power if we're gonna take these guys down; not just Ranma."

"Oh, well," Gene sighed. "As long as Jim is workin' with that Washu chick, maybe I'll get some cool new shells." He stretched lazily and yawned. "I guess this round'll be over in no less than five minutes now that Mr. Mask there has the advantage..."

- - -

An hour later:

"Damn, kid," Gara complained as he stone-fisted his opponent in the faceplate. "You just don't quit do you?"

The bloodied Kevin shakily arose to glare at his equally battered foe. "Likewise, I see. You have endurance, I'll give you that much. Anyone who can stand up to two Maelstrom-empowered Big Ben Bashes deserves _that_ much recognition."

"Thanks," Gara growled as he picked up his discarded katana, "But now I'm gonna have to finish you off. You're in no condition now to dodge my long-distance slashes."

Kevin's head bowed as he felt his power slipping away. Even his golden aura was beginning to fade away. His teammates' cries of support were of no consequence to him, either. There was no way he could come back from this.

"_Son_!" the summons was heard across the stadium, and caused everyone, even Gara, to stop what he or she was doing and look to the source of the voice.

"Can it be?" Mac wondered in amazement.

"It is!" Doc confirmed. "The father of Kevin Mask and former--"

"_**Former Champion, Robin Mask!!!**_" Piccolo interjected, stomping on Doc's head once again.

"Father?" Kevin murmured in a barely audible voice. "What... what are you doing here?"

The older and far less armored knight folded his arms across his chest and glared at his son, saying in his very Sean Conneryesque voice, "I saw that you were getting the crap beat out of you, boy, so I've come to offer some advice."

"Advice?" Kevin queried. "From you?"

"To win, you must put all your feelings into this match!" Robin declared. "You must reach into your soul and find--"

"Okay, I think we've heard enough," Gara said, slashing at the old man with his katana. The resulting wave of power struck Robin Mask in the face, causing him to perform the classic martial artist twist-fall technique. "That oughtta take care of that..."

"Daddy!" Kevin called out in dismay. "N-no... you... you bastard!" His golden aura reemerged, and his hair transformed once more. "I'll destroy you for what you've done!"

- - -

A cloaked figure smirked under his hood as he felt a familiar awakening. "How interesting. I shall have to adjust my plans to deal with this, I suppose." He pulled back his hood over his purple, spiked-up hair. "Then I, Trunks, Prince of all Saiyajin, shall rule the multiverse! Hahahahahahaaaa!"

- - -

"Whoa!" Gara exclaimed. "His power just jumped tremendously!"

"That's right... and that means you're finished," the knight growled as he advanced on his foe.

Gara sighed mournfully. "Well, I guess the author had to have _some_one beat one of us, eh?"

"Too right," Kevin retorted as he plowed his fist into the ninja's stomach, launching him high into the air. To the audience's amazement, the area surrounding them began to flash with some kind of special effects as the masked wrestler jumped up, meeting the floundering Gara in mid-air.

"What's this? The secret special move of the..." Doc Nakano began before he was interrupted.

"_**The Secret Special Move of the Mask Family!**_" Piccolo shouted, his foot pressing Doc's face into the announcing table. "_**The Robin Special!**_"

As Kevin descended to the ring holding Gara tightly between his legs... ew... he put his hands forward, causing a loud thud as he collided with the ring. The handstand-like position transferred all of the force of the impact to Gara's neck, snapping it in twain.

"Ooh, that looked like it hurt!" Mac yelled above the clamor of the audience.

Dropping The Ninja's limp body to the ground, he tossed Gara's corpse on top of it. "That takes care of that! With this power, I could take on your whole team!"

"Well, it's too bad that you agreed to our terms, then, isn't it?" Dark Schneider asked smugly.

"Indeed," Kevin conceded as he sulked out of the ring. The other Team Muscle members gathered to him, with accolades all around; however, the young Mask quickly remembered, "Father!"

Kevin rushed to where his father had fallen, and the elder Mask popped up directly before his son reached him. "Ugh... son... what happened?"

Several gasps were heard from many of the onlookers. Robin Mask's mask had been cut clean of its owner's face, and almost everyone in the stadium could recognize that spiky hair, those dazed eyes, and that goofy grin. In fact, except for the old scar on his right cheek, he looked exactly like...

"Goku?!"

Kaeru-Goku cocked his amphibian head in confusion. "Rrrrt, brrrrkh?" he croaked.

"Yes," Genma's sign read. "It _is_ impossible for your possessed body to be dead, you to be a frog, and, yet, for you in your own body be right over there at the same time."

"What?" Robin Mask asked. "Who is this 'Goku,' and why do they seem to think that I am he?"

By that time, Bulma had made her way down to the two knights. She immediately began examining Robin's face, pulling and tugging at various fleshy locations. Stepping back from the confused man, she made her observation. "Well, you're definitely not Goku even though you look very much like him. Not only is there the fact that his body is most likely in Hell by now and his soul is trapped in a frog's body..."

"That's absurd!" Robin interjected. "But oddly credible."

"There are very minor structural differences, not to mention your skin texture and coloring is off, but I'd definitely conclude that you're related." She paused, thinking. "Another long-lost brother or cousin, maybe? Or his father or uncle? How old are you, anyway?"

Robin Mask flushed slightly. "Well, I'm not entirely sure..."

"Not sure?" Bulma posed dubiously. "How can you be not sure?!"

"Well, you see," Robin began, "I sustained amnesia somehow as an adult. My family found me lying in a smoking hole in the ground and brought me home. I was delusional for quite a while, shouting out vegetable names and such, but, after my adopted mother hit me over the head a few dozen times with a mallet, they quickly subsided. And that," he concluded, "Was how I came to be a member of the Mask Family."

"Hmmm... indeed," Piccolo mused.

"Sweet Mary, man!" Robin shouted. "Don't sneak up on an old man!"

"So... let me guess. One of the 'vegetables' you called out was a burdock, correct?" Piccolo inquired.

"Oh, yes," Robin answered. "It was one of our little family jokes. I had thought that I was a burdock root, apparently, and I was looking for a carrot."

"Let me clear things up, then," Piccolo offered. "I think you actually thought—knew, in fact—that you were Bardock, and you were looking for Kakkarot... your son!"

Robin and Kevin both gasped. "What are you implying?!" the younger asked.

"You see, somehow Bardock must have escaped the destruction of planet Vegeta and followed his son here to Earth." Piccolo went on. "If Robin is, in fact, Bardock, that would explain this so-called Maelstrom technique. To prove it, take off your mask Kevin."

"Well, I suppose," Kevin relented. "After all, I don't have to die if I take it off like some people..." he gazed meaningfully at the young Kinnikuman, and then removed his helmet.

"Whoa," Bulma commented. "He looks a lot like Goku, too, except for the hair... and his skin is much rosier."

"Now use this 'Maelstrom,'" Piccolo ordered.

"Very well," the young knight said as he began his transformation. His hair, as before, turned gold, but now it could be clearly seen that his eyes went from deep brown to green.

"Yep," Piccolo said. "Definitely Super Saiyajin."

Mirai no Chibi Trunks came up and examined the golden-haired Kevin Mask. "Wow... so it is." He folded his arms across his chest and transformed in a flash to Super Saiyajin. "See, I can do it, too."

"So can we," Mirai no Trunks said as he and the other Trunks (aside from Present Trunks, of course) all went SSJ.

"Oh, and, of course, little Gohan is quite the little Super Saiyajin," Bulma said, gesturing toward Goku's fourteen year old son.

"Mary, mother of God!" Robin swore. "That kid is the spitting image of my son at that age!"

"Oh, sorry," Bulma said. "Gohan, I thought your mother told you not to spit in front of strangers!"

"Sorry, Bulma san," Gohan said.

"That's incredible!" Robin Mask blustered. "But... you know the second match is already under way..."

"I'd say it's already finished..." Kevin added. Indeed, the wintry Kall-Su had frozen all the ice on the ring, and was currently beating the Hell out of Terry Kanyon. Hell, however, wasn't going without a fight.

"The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" Kall-Su chanted as he slapped Terry repeatedly.

"_Nevaaah_!" The glowing-eyed Terry roared as his head swiveled around and he spewed pea soup out of his mouth.

"Wow," Kid Muscle observed. "Imagine Terry getting possessed by Satan, himself..."

"You shall taste the power of frozen holy water!" Kall-Su warned as he used his powers to make Terry do just that.

"_No~o_!" Terry lamented as his body began to smoke. His neck suddenly swelled to an unbelievable size, and, after retching several times because of the massive form inside his throat, he finally spat out Satan.

Everyone stared incredulously at the afroed world champion, who slowly and timidly stood up. Adopting a bolder expression, he raised a peace sign to the sky and announced, "_It was a joke_!!" to the cheers of his adoring fans.

to be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________

Yay! Wasn't this just the funnest chapter? We told you you'd encounter Satan, didn't we? And if you didn't just die at the end (on account of all the lame humor), well, we just haven't done our jobs correctly, have we?


	15. Chapter 14

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and That Man!

Disclaimer: You can't own these characters, ma~~n... no one can _own_ these characters. Only God owns 'em, man. They're all God's children, dude. Peace.

Chapter 14:

Dik Dik climbed warily into the ring. It was still a bit slippery on account of the still-melting ice that had vanquished Terry before, but Dik Dik was as surefooted as his namesake and knew that he would have the advantage on this terrain.

Nei, the Lightning Empress, leaped into the ring, herself.

"A... a girl?" the horned wrestler stammered in his stilted speech pattern. "I can't fight a girl! She's too hot!"

Arshes Nei smirked and allowed an arch of electricity pass between her hands. "Oh you're so sweet, but I'm no ordinary girl. Surely you've heard of the Dark Elves. I am a member of that species, and we are quite strong both physically and... metaphysically."

"Well... good for you," the red-garbed ungulate poser dead-panned. He smirked with a casual arrogance. "I'm pretty strong in certain areas, myself. In fact, after the fight, why don't I show you what the three 'Dik's in my name mean?"

"What, does it mean you're a dick? I knew that."

"Huh?" Dik Dik looked down and saw that, indeed, he _was_ a dick.

The bell rang almost immediately after that, and Dik Dik was quick to make for an attack.

Nei lazily threw a lightning bolt at the wrestler, who actually managed to dodge it, then sidestepped his attack with ease. "Well, you're a fast one, that's for certain."

"Indeed," Dik Dik agreed heartily. "Even with your lightning bolts, you won't be able to hit me!"

"Guess it's a good thing you're standing in a perfect conductor, then isn't it?" the Lightning Empress laughed.

Dik Dik looked down and saw that, indeed, he was a dick _and_ standing in a puddle of water. "... that wasn't me..."

Arshes smirked and, after muttering a small spell, put her hand to the ground and unleashed the lightning. Unable to dodge the attack, her opponent began to convulse on the spot and, after a few moments passed, succumbed to the current coursing through his body. "Well," she said as she powered down. "That was certainly easy..."

"Not so fast! I'm not quite done here!" The horny man-beast stood up shakily. "Let's see how you take my Savannah Heat!" Placing a claw like weapon on his fist, he jumped into the air and performed several somersaults.

Meanwhile, Doc Nakano and Piccolo were engaged in a intense stare-off that had captured the attention of a good portion of the audience. "_**It…**_" They shouted at the same time.

"_**... looks like... Dik Dik's Signature! The… Savannah Heat!**_" They shouted in unison, not taking their eyes away from each other. Finally, with a growl, Piccolo extended two fingers toward Doc. "Makankosappo!" The ki beam scorched the announcer, as well as incinerating his toupee.

"Your toupee was a shirt being blown off your torso!" Mac Metaphor analogized. "Oh my! And speaking of shirts..."

"_Savannah Heat_!" Using the momentum built up from his somersaulting, Dik Dik swung his claw vertically at Arshes-Nei. However, she stepped back quickly, only causing her shirt to be torn off.

"Whoaa!" Dik Dik shouted, recovering from his attack with wide eyes as he beheld Arshes' sizable exposed mammaries.

"And just like that, Arshes' shirt comes off!" The announcer announced announcibly.

"Wha?" said Ranma groggily as he sat up in his seat, only to be bashed right back into unconsciousness by a well-placed mallet shot.

"How... how _dare_ you?" screeched the dark elf as she unleashed a frighteningly large discharge of electricity into Dik Dik's body.

As his burnt body fell to the ground, he murmured, "Man... I sure would like to unleash a discharge into _her_ body... ugh..."

- - -

"Prince Trunks," a cloaked individual greeted. "What is your bidding?"

The spike-haired Saiyajin smirked as he looked out over the Ankoku Bukujutsukai arena. "I need assurance, Darth Trunks. While the other Trunks live, I cannot attain my true power... I must be the One in order to defeat my enemies."

The heavily tattooed Trunks grimaced. "So... you want me to take care of them?"

"Correct," the prince responded.

_And I suppose,_ Darth Trunks thought ruefully to himself, _That you believe I am foolish enough to believe that you shall not destroy me, as well._

- - -

"Well ladies and gentlemen, what a shockingly quick end to that match! After a brief respite, we'll continue with the next one! Don't hesitate to make use of our modestly priced concession stands, located conveniently throughout the stadium!"

"I don't wanna fight anymore! I wanna go home! It's not fair!" A cracking voice rang throughout the hallways as the still-conscious members of Team Muscle attempted to restrain their leader from abandoning them.

"Hey! You guys over there! Help us out!" Jaeger shouted.

"You mean us?" Four individuals in front of a rice stand turned around, each with a bowl in their hands.

"Yeah! Look, Kid! It's your favorite food!" Terry Kenyon grabbed Kid Muscle's head and pointed him toward the group, who all lined up and cleared their throats.

"With my rice I like to have some cow, cow, cow!" Piccolo sang in a growling tone, brandishing his bowl theatrically.

"It tastes so very good I don't know how, how, how!" Cologne followed up with her own rasp as she balanced her bowl on her staff.

"It's my favorite form of chow, chow, chow!" Tenchi Masaki sang along, pirouetting with his in hand.

"Wow, oh wow... Eat now." A woman read out of a book as a small white dog that looked suspiciously like a cat danced around with its bowl.

"Huh?" A young blonde woman looked up from her doings at the dog. "_Menchi_! What are you doing here? You know you're supposed to be back at the apartment waiting for me to eat you because you're my emergency food and why do you have that food with you? It's not nice of you to keep food away from me, especially considering I'm always hungry and can barely ever afford to buy anything for myself because I'm a member of Across which doesn't pay that much, in fact it doesn't pay anything at all but I still do it because I love Master Il Palazzo so much that I'd do anything for him but I don't understand why he seems to treat Ha-chan better than me; it's not like I haven't been with him for less time than her, so anyway we better go, Menchi, and thanks for the food that you brought me, it's really good but kinda undercooked, but I can understand that, with it being cooked at a cheap concession stand; you probably didn't have to pay much for it, but then again you might have had to pay a lot since most concession stands overcharge for their food!" The hyperactive woman said all in the space of two seconds as she carried the shrieking dog away.

Meanwhile, the heir to the Muscle Planet throne, despite his fear, was quite happy enjoying his food. "Thanks, guys. I feel a lot better now."

"Don't t'ank us, dose guys ah de ones dat helped with deyah... interesting rendition of yo' trademahk song. T'anks!" Jaeger thanked the four, who had mysteriously disappeared.

"Tanks? Where? Oh no, it's World War Three! Get in the bomb shelters! Grab everything you can! Women and children first!" In about five minutes, Jaeger had inadvertently evacuated half of the audience.

As everyone gave a look of disapproval aimed at Jaeger, he grinned sheepishly. "Hey, no lines for food, ja?"

- - -

"Stop! Collaborate and listen! Abigail's back with a bran' new mission!" the necromancer faux-rapped as he "broke it down, old school."

Jaeger's eyes twitched nervously as he looked the purple-and-pink-stripe haired necromancer up and down. "Eeeh... ja. Dat's great..."

Akane shook her head at the display and turned her attention back to Ranma. The pigtailed martial artist continued to toss and turn restlessly, sweat pouring down his face. "Please wake up, soon, Ranma."

"Don't worry, girl," Ryoko said. "The kid's tough. He'll be up in no time."

Yusuke nodded sagely. "Yeah. What he'll be when he does recover is up in the air..."

Back in the ring, Abigail had finished his somewhat disturbing rendition of one of the most annoying songs in history and was now attempting to somehow establish a serious mood by staring his German opponent down. "So... you are my opponent."

"Ja... and youah the clown?"

"Ja... I mean, nein!" Abigail countered. He stomped his foot and took a stance. "I will crush you, fool."

Jaeger smirked. "We'll see." His hand began to glow red, signaling his anticipation.

"And there's the bell!" Mac shouted enthusiastically. "The match is on. And Jaeger starts off quick with a devastating hammer blow to the head. Abigail doesn't seem able to follow as the German powerhouse delivers a devastating combo. Is this fight already over?"

"I doubt it, Mac," Piccolo answered, adjusting his toupee slightly. "Abigail is a powerful member of Team Darushe in his own right. His specialty is necromancy: magic of the dead."

Inside the ring, Abigail smirked. "You think you have me? Not quite!" His hands glowed and he discharged a pulse of energy into his opponent. "I'll show you what I mean." He leapt into the air and crossed his legs as he began to float. The necromancer then began chanting in some incomprehensible tongue.

A chill ran down Jaeger's spine as he watched a sickly miasma of energy engulf the ring. His feet felt like they had been bolted to the floor. "Dis... dis is..."

"Now you shall feel the awesome power of the spirit world!" Abigail roared as his limbs sprawled in midair. The energy around him whirled into a tight ball and this sphere slowly molded itself into a defined shape.

"Hi."

Jaeger stared at the ectoplasmic entity before him with just a bit of confusion. "Gh-gh-gh... ghost?"

The translucent white being scratched the back of his head nervously. "Heh, yeah. I'm awfully sorry about this. Please, let me make it up to you." With that said, he quickly began frying up some wiener schnitzel.

Abigail smacked himself. "Dammit. Wrong summoning spell. Oh, well..." making several quick gestures, the necromancer summoned a new ghost and tossed it at the other apparition, who was serving his opponent some of his home cooking.

"Blaghlaghlagh!" the new, green poltergeist screamed as it plowed into its target. They both tumbled through Jaeger, leaving a thick ectoplasmic residue on his shirt.

"Augh, I've been slimed!" the German wrestler protested, tearing off his soiled garment. "I'll miss dat first one, dough. Dat was probably de friendliest ghost I know."

"No matter!" Abigail crowed. "Now I'll strike you down using my shamanistic power!" His body was surrounded by a halo which expanded into a human silhouette. The features became distinguishable as that of a long-haired samurai with eyes like steel. "Amidamaru, be my sword!"

The ghostly samurai stared at his summoner. "Uh... yo?" He scratched his head. "Well... I wasn't really expecting my next partner to be even weirder than my last one, but..." he shrugged. "Que serat, serat."

Jaeger frowned. "An interesting trick, but no match for my Red Rain of Pain!" Crimson power flowed from his hand and he charged Abigail furiously. The other, however, pulled Amidamaru's ghost into his body and used his fuuryoku to create a pure white energy sword with which to block the onslaught.

Kuwabara snarled from the sidelines. "Man... everybody's stealin' _my_ trick..."

The Amidamaru-possessed Abigail parried the thrusting attacks of the helmeted warrior and kicked him away. He then slashed at his foe, sending waves of energy forth. The German managed to dodge the majority of the attacks, but was nicked no less than twenty times before he again reached attacking range.

"Raaaaaaugh!" he roared. "Double Red Rain of Pain!" he announced as his two fists pounded into the spirit sword at supersonic speeds.

"What an amazing adaption of Jaeger's signature, taught to him by his predecessor, Brocken Jr.!" Piccolo commented.

"Piccolo!" a voice called from behind the green one. When he turned around, the source of the voice was revealed to be the diminutive announcer, Doc Nakano. "We have a score to settle," Doc said, slowly unbuttoning his shirt.

Piccolo took a fighting stance atop his and Mac's desk. "So, you've been training, eh? Well, show me what you've got, for I will never give up my role so easily!"

"Heh, heh, heh," Doc chortled menacingly as he began to take off his tuxedo shirt. "You think that's all it is? You're wrong!"

"What?" Piccolo asked, taken aback.

"That's right," the bald announcer exclaimed as he finally threw off his shirt. "Piccolo! I want your sweet body!"

The Namek stared, apalled, at the whipped cream and cherry nipples adorning Doc's torso. "Oh... my... me."

"Come to me, lover boy!" Doc screamed as he latched onto Piccolo, somehow disabling him.

Genma popped up out of nowhere. "Well, well! So Doc finally puts that Hell's Cradle technique I taught him to good use!"

"_Hey_!" Piccolo protested. "Don't you start stealing my role, too!" From his prone position within Doc's grasp, the Namek fired off seven Special Beam Cannons at the portly martial artist, none quite hitting their mark. "Curse you!"

Meanwhile, in the ring, Abigail was beginning to tire of Jaeger's constant strikes. The other was also suffering from his numerous wounds, but showed no signs of allowing them to slow him down. They were currently locked in a battle of speed, punches colliding blow for blow with slashes. Finally, Abigail managed to break the stalemate by twisting his energy blade and hurling them both away from each other.

"Well, well," the necromancer huffed. "You've proven more of a match for me than expected. But I've only been playing till now." He chuckled. "How about I finish you off?"

"Just try eet!" Jaeger blustered.

"Gladly..." Abigail responded as he gestured toward his foe. Suddenly, two white hands burst from the ground and held Jaeger's feet firm. The necromancer laughed heartily as his blade glowed brighter. "Now you can't dodge my ultimate attack. I'm going to use 100% of my fuuryoku to destroy you in one swipe."

The hunk of German muscle was unable to escape the strike, true, but, summoning all his energy into his fists, he formed yet another adaption of the Red Rain of Pain. "Red Rain of Don't Hurt Me!" he shouted as he caught the blade between his palms. The clash of energies shone like a red sun, and a red-caped man soon fell from the skies to his death, followed by a young lady, a dog, a cat, a monkey, and a horse.

Jaeger twisted his arms and pushed back, dispelling the blade with one final push of power. He finally collapsed from the effort, desperately sucking in oxygen.

Abigail fell backward onto his rear. "G-geez... he managed to banish Amidamaru completely! I see I severely underestimated this one."

The wrestler laughed mirthfully. "Ja... and now you are completely drained of your energy! You lose!"

Abigail smirked. "So are you! No using your Red Rain powers on me, now."

"I don't need to," Jaeger countered. "I still have my body, which is much stronger than yours."

Abigail snorted. "True. I suppose you're right, then. I must be beat."

"Eet's good dat you've come to your senses."

Abigail rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right!" He gestured at the ground. "Aren't you forgetting something? That pair of hands is attached to something, you know!"

"Eh?" Jaeger's eyes bulged out so far you could actually see them when the pair of hands that had been holding him turned into a pair of arms followed by a head, and then the rest of a massive body. "A... a zombie!"

The white carcass of a man lifted Jaeger over his head and threw him violently against the stadium walls. "Solomon Grundy smash puny German!"

Suddenly, two green feet crushed the zombie. "_Hulk_ smash Grundy for stealing Hulk's trademark catchphrase and speech patterns!" The gargantuan behemoth turned to the audience and raised a giant finger. "And Hulk coming for _you_, next!"

Shampoo gulped.

"Well, Doc, it looks like a shocking conclusion to this exciting fight," Mac said to his partner.

"That's right, Mac," Doc confirmed. "And that's it from the IWF at Ankoku Bukujutsukai stadium!"

Piccolo, meanwhile, lay curled in the fetal position sucking his thumb and calling for Kami.

Kid Muscle ran up to the ring and punted the defeated Jaeger offstage. "Hey, wait a minute! What about _me_?"

Abigail folded his arms. "What _about_ you?"

Kid stomped his foot on the ground. "I'm supposed to achieve a stunning comeback victory after dealing with my own insecurity issues!"

"Rules are rules, Kid," the necromancer stated. "Even if you win against Dark Schneider, you'll still have only two wins to our three. It's futile!"

"Now, now, Abigail," the fire wizard said as he stepped into the ring. "I can understand this warrior's desire to fight. He wants to prove himself against me... so be it!" His entire body burst into flame to punctuate his words, his teeth gnashed, and his eyes flashed menacingly at the young fighter.

Suddenly, the fire mage was hit by a torrent of liquid, which immediately extinguished the flames. _Incredible!_ he thought as he used all his might to defend against Kid Muscle's attack. He was, unfortunately, unable to save his shirt from flying completely off. _I hadn't thought water wizards of this caliber existed at this time!_

"Uh... D.S...." Gara said, pointing at the fin headed alien.

Dark Schneider stared at the large stain on Kid Muscle's pants. He then proceeded to sniff his damp arm. "Oh, my God!" he wretched. "That's nasty!"

"Uh... sorry," Kid apologized. Suddenly, a shaft of red light burst from his chest as glowing cracks began to form in his tights. His spandex shirt exploded from his body as the light reentered his body and seemed to appear sweeping behind him and decapitating him.

Dark Schneider stared for a moment at the golden-haired figure behind his now quite defeated foe. "Hey! I was gonna do that! He peed on me for Anthrathrax's sake!"

"My apologies," Darth Trunks returned. "I just wanted to make a flashy entrance." He looked into the stands. "Trunks...es!"

"We're right here!" Mirai no Trunks said from behind the Sith Saiyajin... Sithajin, you could say. He drew his sword and pointed it at the black-robed and red-and-black tattooed imitation of him. "I won't let you harm anymore innocent children!"

"Hey, I'm not a child!"

Everybody stared at Kid Muscle's disembodied head, and then turned to Abigail. "What?" the necromancer asked. "Hey, at least he's not as bad as that guy." He pointed to the disembodied head of some blue, bald guy.

"That's what teenagers get when they cop an attitude," he said before taking another swig of beer. "Alpha 5," he said to his saucer-headed companion. "Summon to me five hot dogs… with _attitude!_"

"Fool," Darth Trunks growled. "You do not know the power of the Dark Side." With that, he slashed at Mirai no Trunks, but he was parried by the other's deft blade. He was then driven back by a hard pommel thrust. "O... kay... maybe you _do_ know... but you certainly didn't know _this_!" Another crimson blade sprouted from the bottom of his lightsaber and he twirled it around like a bo.

"Well, he does, now," Chibi Trunks said. "Great job giving away the ace up your sleeve, dingus."

"_Attitude!!_" Interjected the same blue floating head of a spectator.

"Yaaaargh!" the Sithajin yaaaarghed as he swept at his good self. "Soon you, too, will be a part of the Dark Side... give in!"

Mirai no Trunks suddenly found himself in double trouble as he tried to fend off both blades. "N-no! I'll never join you!"

"Oh, yes you will! Give in to your fear!"

"No!"

"Give in to your doubts!"

"No!"

"Give in to your anger!"

"N--! Wait... okay!" Mirai no Trunks shouted as his golden aura flared to life. "Why didn't I think of that?" His blade of steel easily drove back Darth Trunks' blades of light and he cut the saber down the center, leaving his opponent with only one blade. They kept at it for another few seconds before Mirai no Trunks cut through the hilt of the remaining lightsaber and came around again to cut his opponent in half.

"No!" Darth Trunks exclaimed as he tried to jump over the attack. His movements were too slow, however, and his legs were cut cleanly off at the knees. "Augh!" he bellowed as he hit the floor with a thud. "First Darth Vegeta cuts off my hand and now this? I should never have joined with the Emperor..." His eyes flashed at Mirai no Trunks, who was sheathing his sword. "Come over here, you bastard! I'll finish you off!"

"How'll you do that, exactly?" Chibi Trunks asked. "You don't have any legs _or_ a sword."

"I've got arms, don't I?!" Darth Trunks screamed. "I'll climb up there and strangle you, I will!"

"Maybe you should calm down, man," Mirai no Chibi Trunks said as he did pushups beside the raving Sithajin. "You've been maimed."

"It was just a flesh wou-aaaaaauuugh!" Darth Trunks was interrupted when he suddenly burst into flames.

Dark Schneider sighed. "Well... come on, there comes a certain point when all these inside jokes get ridiculous."

Ranma smirked from the roof of the stadium. "Well. That _was _interesting." A dark aura surrounded him as he floated down to the ring. Before he had quite gotten there, his body became a streak of light and he was there before the other fighters. "Schneider!"

"Don't call me that!"

"I invite you to watch my next match. It should be very interesting," Ranma said cordially.

"Hmmm," the fire mage muttered as he watched the Trunks walk off the stage--with the exception of Darth Trunks who was being carried off by paramedics as a doctor was insisting "we can make him better... stronger... _louder_ than before." He closed his eyes. "There's something different about you, pigtailed boy."

Ranma laughed. "Yes. There's something quite different, indeed. You see, I've--"

"Sold my soul to the devil in order to defeat you!"

The audience's attention turned to a man garbed in a kendo gi who was holding a finely crafted katana in his hands.

"Kuno senpai?" Ranma acknowledged.

Kuno laughed maniacally at his old rival. "Now I'll show you my true power!" With that, he turned a purplish hue, sprouting horns, bat wings, a tail, and a third eye. He then tapped a device clipped to his belt which encased his entire body in metal.

Ranma's stare bore into Kuno probingly. "So, senpai... where did you get all this power? Even without that transformation I could tell your abilities had risen dramatically."

The kendoist chortled. "You see, my radar went off not too long ago, directing me toward a certain cave. This cave, I discovered was also a portal to the demon world. It was there I met a noble, if incredibly short, creature who informed me of a demon who would increase my power tenfold. It was there that I acquired this..." he pointed to his third eye.

Yusuke shook his head. "Damn Hiei. I thought he was supposed to be protecting the borders of makai and ningenkai..."

"The... installation process of my third eye, unfortunately... left me somewhat disoriented, and I stumbled down what is commonly known as The Pit of No Return. As I made my way back up, a demonly spirit propositioned me... and that is when I acquired the ability to transform my body into that of a majin.

"Some time later, I finally made it into the spirit world, where my radar had detected you. Somehow or another I stumbled upon a planet..."

Dark Schneider cocked his head. "How do you 'stumble' on a planet?"

"And I found a great sword in a stone and pulled it out to the awe of the two denizens of that world. I soon discovered that only a living human could free the sword... mostly due to the fact that gods are all limp wristed wimps."

"I see..." Ranma commented.

"Unfortunately, the sword was quite a bit heavier than I would have liked, and after struggling to train with it for a while, I accidentally broke it. At this point, an old god emerged and granted me a mystic power up as thanks.

"One of the gods brought me back here just in time to meet one of your defeated opponents. The plumber gave me this device which allows my skin to become as tough as titanium."

Kuno held up his katana triumphantly. "And after mastering the sakabatou in the tradition of my family's art of Hiten Mitsurugi, I am invincible!"

"Well, well!" Juri exclaimed as she adjusted her tie. "It looks like these long rivals are going to finally duke it out in a final, gut-wrenching battle!"

"Heh... taking over for Vegeta, Juri chan?" Bob asked, pulling at his scant tights.

"Well, he left me a note, so..." she looked at his bikini-like outfit and down at her own suit. "Oh, dammit! I told you we should've turned on the lights, first!"

Metal Mystic Majin Kuno sheathed his sakabatou and took an offensive stance. "Prepare to die, Saotome," he shouted before rushing at his rival. As he closed in, he began drawing his sword at a supersonic speed.

"Meh... I could draw it faster," a golden hedgehog in the crowd quipped.

Ranma smirked and a dark aura surrounded him. The aura whipped across the stage, and, before Kuno's blade had been even halfway drawn, the powered up kendoka was tossed into the air and out of the stadium like a rag doll. "Well," the pigtailed martial artist deadpanned. "That was somewhat anticlimactic."

Dark Schneider, on the other hand, grinned as he glanced sidelong at his future opponent. "This might be interesting, after all."

to be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________

Well, it's been a long time since we did this. It's hard doing a tournament saga, though. You really have to work at it to break the monotony, and I think we've managed it well, so far. I just hope we can make it even more exciting to both us and our (very few) readers down the line. G'bye, g'bye, g'bye, g'bye!


	16. Chapter 15

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and—why try to fool anyone, now?—our imaginary friend!

Disclaimer: Technically, we could be sued despite this disclaimer, so why do we bother? Short answer: we don't.

Chapter 15:

"Ranma?" Akane asked her now fully awake fiancé. "Are you sure about this? I mean, it's a group of five girls..."

The pigtailed martial artist gave the part Juraijin girl a crooked smile. "Oh, yes... I'm quite sure about this. I want to test my new powers for real!"

"Time for the next matchup!" the Budoukai announcer shouted. "Team Budoukai versus Team Moon!"

The Sailor Senshi all skipped into the arena and posed for the audience. After they finished their routine, the leader of the bunch, a blonde with two long pigtails walked up to Ranma and his teammates. "Hiya! Go easy on us, ne?"

Ranma chuckled as he ascended to the ring. "Sure. I'll 'go easy' on you. In fact, I'll be your only opponent!"

The brunette of the bunch punched into her open palm. "Well, he sure is cocky, huh?"

"Hey, refs!" Ranma shouted. "I have a proposition!"

"Yes?" Juri inquired. "What's that?"

"All five of them can come at me at once," Ranma explained. "All the same rules apply to their team as usual. For me, however," he smirked at his opponents. "If I'm knocked down or out... at all... there's no count. I'll lose, period."

The members of Team Moon exchanged a glance. "He seems intent on making this difficult for himself," the blue haired senshi said.

"That's for sure, Ami," the orange-skirted blonde agreed.

"The committee agrees with these rules!" Juri announced. "The match is on!"

The pretty suited soldiers huddled around Sailor Mercury. "So what do we do, Ami? Does he have any weaknesses?"

Mercury donned her visor and scanned the pigtailed boy, who was waiting for them to make the first move. "He's definitely sporting a strong demonic aura. It's enough to make Galaxia sweat..."

"That's not helping!" Jupiter, the team's athlete, growled. "Just tell me where to hit to make him go down!"

Mars rolled her eyes. "You can't be serious, Makoto. To bring any guy down, there's only one spot you have to hit."

Ranma fidgeted. "I'm getting a bit impatient. How 'bout I make the first move, eh?" His form blurred and he was suddenly behind Sailor Mercury.

The blue haired super hero leapt back in surprise and launched an attack basically consisting of bubbles. The attack struck their mark, turning him into a her.

"Oh... that was nice," Ranma mumbled under her breath.

"Well," Mars sighed. "I guess we can forget that idea..."

"Girls!" Mercury shouted as she recovered from her shock. "He's fast... but maybe we can use that against him!"

"Use it against me, eh?" Ranma mused. "An' how're ya gonna do that?"

"Well, first we'll... _hey_! I'm not going to fall for _that_!" Mercury protested. "C'mon, girls!"

The Sailor Scouts huddled again, and after a moment, they had decided on their plan of attack. Mercury took the lead, spreading a blinding mist on the battlefield. Venus was next, tossing a Love-me Chain around the girl's arms as Jupiter, Mars, and Moon combined their lightning, fire, and sissy attacks in the form of a supercharged Frisbee.

The attack hit Ranma dead-on, and, due to the light layer of water on the ring, she slid with the force of it. She toppled over backward when she was halfway from the center, but she managed to perform a back handspring to right herself and used her ki to stop herself from going over the edge of the ring.

The martial artist shook her head. "Not bad. You almost had me," she rubbed the small scrape the Frisbee had given her on her now-bare chest (Akane, in an incredible display of speed, then managed to put a tank top on her without Ranma even noticing). "But you're still too weak to even hope to best me."

"No!" Moon shouted. "We haven't even started!" Suddenly, the princess of the moon transformed into an even more elaborate costume: that of Eternal Sailor Moon. "Alright! One more time! Moon Tiara action!"

She removed her new tiara and levitated it above her hand. As she threw it, Mercury launched a freezing attack as Jupiter allowed her lightning to join it. Mars then surrounded the flying disk with flames. Finally, Jupiter stepped in front of Moon and blasted the attack from behind with a beam of "love energy," powering the attack even further as it sped to near light speed.

Ranma held his hand out as a dark aura surrounded his body. The earth quaked and the sky flashed when the attack hit.

Except it didn't. The disk, its various energies still swirling around it, had stopped centimeters from its target's hand. It was suspended in a vortex of swirling red and purple energy. With a gesture from Ranma, it shattered and scattered to the wind.

The pigtailed martial artist laughed menacingly. "Just thought you should know how pointless it is to fight me. This is the Kai Ou Ken, my ultimate technique!"

Katsuhito shivered. "His power has increased twenty fold... and..." he put his hand on his granddaughter's shoulder. "Akane... I think something is seriously wrong with your fiancée."

"That's what I keep telling you people!" Akane insisted.

The arteries and veins in Ranma's arms were rigid. The whites of her eyes were now completely red due to the burst blood vessels in them, and a trickle of blood ran out of her nose. Ranma didn't seem to notice as she telekinetically lifted her five opponents into the air and rose, herself, to meet them. She then launched into a four-limbed assault on each member of Team Moon, keeping them always within striking distance with her newfound mental prowess. Finally, she slammed them all into the ground, laughing mirthfully as she did.

Mercury struggled to her feet and called to Moon. "The demon taint in her aura... it's rising faster than before. I'm afraid she's being taken over from the inside by some evil influence!"

Sailor Moon wiped some blood off her face. "Well... we have one last shot, then." The princess stood firmly on her feet and beckoned the other senshi. "Scouts! Everyone use your most powerful attacks on her at once!"

The others nodded and began their individual conjuring chants. Each spell was released simultaneously and hit Ranma's ki barrier from four different directions. Despite Ranma's far superior power, raw elemental magic was still difficult to counter with ki, and she was forced to use her full power to repel all the attacks.

The moon princess waved her wand. "I pray this works. Moon Healing Escalation!" she shouted as a beam of holy light erupted from the scepter. Because Ranma was already blocking four different magical attacks from four different directions, she was unable to totally stop or dodge this one and it enveloped her completely.

Ranma screeched her agony and convulsed as the holy energies seeped into her very soul. She felt herself transform back to his male body first. Then the strain the Kai Ou Ken had put on his body eased and reversed itself. The violent energies that had been building in him disappeared and were replaced by a stillness that he had never before felt. And, finally, the lemon that had been absorbed into his body burst out of his head as a full-grown tree.

"What in Kami's name?" Yusuke exclaimed. "The kid's got a freakin' tree growin' outta his head.

Ranma stood perfectly still as he seemed intent on studying his own hands. "What... what is this? This power?" A golden-white aura now surrounded him where the dark power of the Kaiouken had once been. He still emitted the same amount of ki as Kai Ou Ken x20, but now it was pure, and the strain on his body was completely erased. His hand then traveled to the top of his head, and he felt the rough bark of a tree.

"'Ey, Keiki!" Principal Kuno greeted as he popped out of the tree's branches. He dabbed at his eyes with a handkerchief as he viewed the gigantic protrusion. "Oy... y'ain't no keiki anymo'! M'little student, he be growin' up. An' so well endowed, 'e is!"

Ranma's inner peace was suddenly broken, and he grabbed the little palm tree on top of his principal's head. "Yeah, how 'bout vacatin' the premises, eh?" With that, he tossed the Hawaiian wannabe out of the stadium.

"Wh-what IS that tree doing growing out of _my_ fiancé's head?" Akane demanded.

Sasami tugged at her great niece's skirt. "Well, Oneechan, since I'm half tree myself, I could find out. I know their language." The embodiment of cuteness tripped up to the ring and called to the tree. "Woof! woofwoofwoof, bark! Bark, woof, yip!" The tree responded by sending beams of light from its leaves. "Oh!" she exclaimed. "That lemon must have been Juraijin!"

"Wonderful..." Ranma commented. "But I don't have time for this." He turned to his opponents. "Sorry to do this, but I need to make it to the final round."

Sailor Moon nodded. "I see. Good luck, Saotome kun." She called Juri over. "Ma'am. We concede defeat, okay?"

"Ummmm," the lizard-tailed woman pondered. "Well, I guess that's okay."

"The winner is Team Budoukai by forfeit!" Bob shouted.

- - -

Several kilometers outside of the Bukujutsukai/Budoukai stadium, the all Ranma's new friends had decided to have a picnic to cool down from the day's events. Ranma's new head ornament, of course, served as the gathering site.

"Ahhh," Gene sighed as he sprawled out beside Ranma. "Well, one thing's for sure, you sure can make some good shade!"

"Shut up," Ranma growled.

"Yeeah," Pimp-T commented. "But ah wish ya ha'n't broke mah hoes faces up like dat, hear?"

Ranma stared at the comically street version of Trunks. "Are you still here?"

"Well..." the pimpin' Saiyajin responded coolly. "Ah _was _gonna love up yo' fiancé a bit, since you don' have da balls, but..."

"Oh, Pimp-T!" Akane gushed as she covered her reddening face.

Aisha Clan-Clan, a member of the C'tarl-C'tarl race (who really liked repetition-repetition), smacked Akane on the back of the head. "Get a grip, girl." She cuddled up to Ranma, who was suddenly rigid... not in _that_ way... I'll tell Akane if you keep this up, ya damned hentai. "Ranma kun is a _much_ better fighter than that stupid Gym Shorts; you're better off with him if you want strong babies!" Her grin widened as she said this and she giggled. "Actually, how 'bout you go ahead and switch to Pimp-T! I'll handle Ranma!"

"Why you!" most of the single women in the group growled.

Suddenly, Ranma felt something sharply jar his head-tree. "Oof! Ow! Itee!" He grabbed his head in pain. "What the heck is that?!" He turned around and saw a shocking sight.

A bandanna. Fangs. Travel-worn clothing.

Ranma leapt up and took a fighting stance. "It's you!"

The new arrival stared at the tree-headed martial artist. "What the--? The tree I was just training with just turned into a kid!"

"Oy, Ryouga!" Ranma shouted. "Just because you seem to have gotten a helluvalot taller--"

"I'm 6' 0.5"," the other interjected smugly.

"—since I saw you a few days ago doesn't make me a kid!" Ranma scrutinized his old rival for a moment. "And when did you get so tanned? You been trainin' in Hawaii? And... is that a monobrow?"

The bandanna-clad boy rubbed the tuft of hair between his eyebrows self-consciously. "Well..."

"Oh, I see," Ranma said. "You usually shave it, but you got so caught up in training to beat me that you forgot, right?"

"Um... listen," the fanged young man said. "I don't know who this Ryouga guy you keep talking about is, but my name's Shizuma..."

Kuwabara leapt up. "Imposter! Like anyone would believe someone as ugly as you could be me!"

"And you are...?" Shizuma asked.

"Grrr!" Kuwabara growled. "I'm Kuwabara Shizuma, the toughest guy in the world!"

Shizuma smacked his face. "No, no! I'm _Kusanagi_ Shizuma! And _I'm_ the toughest guy in the world. The only person to ever match me is Ryouko, and I'm training to beat her!"

Ryouko rose and ignited her energy blade. "So! You wanna fight, eh?"

"Have we even met before?!" Shizuma roared. "Come on! Why would I be training to beat someone I've never met?"

"Well..." Ryouko responded sheepishly. "I've made a bunch of enemies in the last couple thousand years..."

Shizuma attempted to calm the group. "Listen, I'm just a kid who goes to Daimon High School and fights... quite a bit. I can play almost any musical instrument you give me. I live with my big sister, Tomoe..."

Everyone waited. And kept waiting.

- - -

Somewhere high above the clouds and far beyond the stars was a place many affectionately referred to as 'Heaven." There, a certain white-haired ex-brother-in-law to a certain Meiji era Rurouni stared at the authors. "Well... what do you expect me to say? I'm _dead_!"

- - -

"So, that's enough with the misunderstandings," Shizuma said. "Never met any of you, before; I got trainin' to do, so buh-bye." With that, he scampered off to parts unknown.

As there were fewer teams this time around, the semifinals would commence that very same day, and the fighters congregated once more at the appropriate place after finishing their relaxing picnic.

"Okay," Bob shouted at the top of his lungs. "The first match of the semifinals begins now! Team Akuma vs. Team Budoukai!"

Team Akuma seemed a rough and ready crew. The leader was a mountain of a man with a dark red tint to his skin and a flame of a topknot on top of his head. To his right stood a furious-looking man with glowing red eyes in a white gi, and to his left was a similarly afflicted blond in a red gi. There was also a young schoolgirl with a bright red aura around her body and a cocky-looking older man garbed in pink.

"The leader of Team Akuma, Gouki, has requested a one-on-one matchup," Juri explained. "Does Team Budoukai accept?"

"Sure thing," Yusuke responded. "I'll take the big guy first, too."

Gouki ascended to the ring. "You think you are any match for me?" he growled. "To have any hope of defeating me, you will have to unleash your murderous intent..."

"Yeah, yeah," the ramen shopkeeper grumbled. "Let's get this over with."

"Begin!" the announcers shouted, and the demonic street fighter lunged at his prey. His hand clenched onto Yusuke's throat and the two disappeared in a flash of light. When sight returned to the spectators, a demonified Yusuke stood atop a thoroughly trampled Gouki.

"Uhhh..." Ranma stammered. "Wh-what just happened?"

Yusuke chuckled as the announcers began to count down. "Oh, well it happened pretty fast, but apparently he tried some kinda instant movement technique on me..."

- - -

Gouki emerged in the sulfurous pits of HFIL with Yusuke in tow. "Shin Goku Satsu!" he shouted, and surrounding demons responded to his clarion call by homing in on Yusuke.

The hanyou batted some of the demons away, shouting, "What the heck do you think you're doing?! D'you know who I am? I'm the former king of Makai's descendant!" And to prove this, he transformed into his full-demon state, cowing his attackers.

"Oh, Lord Yusuke!" one of the demons prostrated himself before the young man. "We are so sorry! Whatever can we do to make it up to you?"

Yusuke smiled at Gouki, who for some reason seemed to be a bit shocked. "Well... there is something you could take care of for me."

- - -

"And that's what happened."

Akane's jaw dropped. "Wow, and here I was excited about finally getting to fight someone seriously..."

"Hey, who's the cute guy with the pigtail?" the schoolgirl from Team Akuma asked, suddenly garbed in an exact duplicate of Ranma's clothes. "I like you..."

"Alright, you hussy, in the ring!" Akane growled, tossing the girl roughly. "Let's get it on!"

"Next match: Dark Sakura vs. Tendo Akane!" Juri announced.

The schoolgirl started fast, jumping into the air and launching a massive Hadouken at her opponent, who blocked with her Juraijin shield. Akane then formed her aethereal mallet and swung at the other, who darted easily around the attack and delivered a brutal knee to the gut, followed by a barrage of punches. She then delivered yet another Hadouken point-blank in Akane's face, sending her flying to the other end of the ring.

"Y-you won't beat me that easily," Akane roared, hefting her Oni no Buranko and charging with a berserker yell. The hammer impacted with the floor, cratering it badly as Sakura flipped over the attack and slammed another Hadouken into her opponent. Upon landing, she fired yet another one, but this time Akane wielded her weapon like a bat and deflected the blast right back at its startled caster.

"Wow! You're really good!" Sakura gushed, and she was suddenly garbed in a Furinkan High uniform (though she still retained Ryu's headband and Ranma's bracers). "Let's go!" She dashed toward Akane and swung her hands as if holding a bat, and her blue ki coalesced into a fairly small hammer-like shape. "Oni no Buranko!" she shouted, hitting Akane in the face with the sad excuse for a copied attack.

"Wh-what's going on?" Ranma asked. "She copied Akane's attack… albeit really badly."

"She has the power to have all the powers she wants, but worse than Kyle's."

Ranma turned and stared at the little fat kid standing beside him. "Wh-what?"

"Hey, you little fat bastard!" Piccolo shouted, running down the stadium. "I'm not gonna take this crap from you, too!"

"Weak!" Cartman shouted as he waddled away as fast as he could.

Piccolo stopped beside Ranma and bent over, grasping his knees as he caught his breath. "That… that little girl! She… has a weaker form… of Bulrog's powers. She can copy anyone's powers she fangirls over, but can only use those powers at partial strength!"

"Well, that's slightly less godmodded than the fatso," Ranma agreed. "Akane should be able to win easy, then."

"Not necessarily," Piccolo said. "This girl has the advantage of superior speed as well."

True to his words, Sakura was dodging Akane's powerful Buranko strikes while tagging her with her smaller ki-based attack. The strikes may have been weaker, but they would add up while Akane was at the same time wearing herself out. "Hey, remember," the copy-cat street fighter said. "If I beat you, you have to train me so I can use your attacks at their fullest!"

"What?" Akane shouted. "I don't remember any such agreement!"

"And also I get to inherit any prior contracts, agreements, or… ahem… engagements," she eyed Ranma lustfully, "That you may have had."

Akane's eyes began to glow red as she scowled and ugly veins that didn't exist before popped up all over her face, making her look really gross. "_Like_ [dirty word] _you are!_" Her red mallet began to glow a brighter blood red and grew to twice its size. "I'm gonna [another dirty word] kill you, you hussy!"

"Hahahahaha!" Akuma hahahahahaed. "She is giving into the power of the Da~rk Buranko~o…"

"Funny," Yosho said to himself. "I don't remember such a concept applying to Jurai powers." He shrugged. "Ah, well."

"Enough talk!" Akane growled in a really deep, manly voice. "Get ready to die, mother—"

"She should be ashamed of herself," Yusuke commented upon hearing the coarse expletive. "So… should we, like… stop her?"

Akane began to spin about quickly, and in a tornado of red energy made her way to Sakura. The technique full of murderous intent bashed Sakura across the ring as she came in contact with it. Yet the dizzying attack would not cease. Akane simply kept advancing, her blood lust having taken control of her completely.

"Yeah…" Ranma said, scratching his bark contemplatively. "That would probably be a pretty good idea. I _have_ been saving something for just this kind of situation…"

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Yusuke asked irately. "Do it!"

Meanwhile, Sakura was trying to recover an advantage. She blasted Akane with a Dark Hadouken, which was a bit stronger than Ryu's normal Hadouken, but it was knocked aside like so much rubbish. "This can't be! She's so powerful, even though we're both in Dark Mode!"

In the audience, a fourteen year old kid with spiky brown hair harrumphed. "My Dark Mode is cooler, right Dark?" _That's right, Daisuke,_ the voice in his head said. _Now you should go kill your family._ "That's a great idea!"

Sakura let Akane approach again, calming her nerves with thoughts of new shoes and kicking Dan in the groin. Man, he was hilarious when he fell to the ground crying like that. She backed away, drawing Akane into a spiral formation, and at the center, as Akane bore down upon her, she thrust her fist into the air. "Hiryuu Shoten Ha!" A strong gust of wind whipped up around her, blowing Akane back for a second. The whirlwind, however, was only centimeters greater in diameter than her own body, and dissipated in moments.

Akane recovered from the slight shove, her face still full of murder and nasty varicose veins. "Die!" She hefted her Dark Oni no Buranko over her shoulder and prepared to bring it down upon the worn out schoolgirl.

"Akane!" Ranma shouted. "I… I…" he choked for a moment on the words he knew he had to say in order to snap her out of it. "I… am _John Smith_!"

Akane's mallet of doom was already coming down when she heard this. She gasped, suddenly free of her murderous intent. Now purified of her hate, her energy mallet became pure white as sparkles and pretty flowers danced around her now shirtless—not to mention all-other-clothing-less—body. Girls always seemed to get naked when they become purified, which was ironically a bonus for those unpurified souls, but that apparently hadn't dawned on the tomboy yet.

"So… so beautiful…" Sakura said, now also naked except for Ryu's headband, Ranma's bracers, and Akane's heretofore unknown tramp stamp. The flowery mallet's light obscured her as she closed her eyes with a joyous smile on her face. When the light faded, only one naked girl with a tramp stamp remained standing.

"Unbelievable!" Bob shouted into his microphone. "Akane is the winner!"

"That's right, Bob!" Juri said. "And, thankfully, that tattoo above her fanny gives the fans the perfect excuse to ogle her current state of undress!"

"Yeah, about that," Yusuke muttered. "Why does she have a tattoo that says… 'This is my butt,' with an arrow pointing down."

"It's kind of a long story," Ranma said. "But suffice it to say, someone got her a little drunk, and… ah… someone may have mentioned his inability to tell her face from another part of her anatomy. Long story short, it's not hard to tell, anymore."

"Okay," Yusuke said. The still-nude Akane jumped off the stage, landing beside him, and he turned to her. "So… about the 'John Smith' thing. Um… did you, like, know someone named John Smith in the past who was special to you somehow, and the revelation that Ranma was, in fact, him, made you realize some profound truth?"

"Hell, no," Akane said. "It doesn't mean a thing to me. It just confused me so much that I suddenly had a Zen experience." She shrugged.

"I guess that'd explain why you don't mind bein' nude in front of everyone," Ranma said.

"What?!" Akane said, suddenly becoming aware of her lack of clothing. "Augh! I'm gonna get a sunburn!" She bolted toward the locker rooms like Silver Age superhero who wielded the power of the Speed Force.

"Next up!" Juri announced. "It's Evil Ryu versus… Gene Starwind!"

The protégé of Gouki stood seething on the stage, allowing the red haired captain to ascend to the stage. "Give up now," Ryu said. "Or I'll have to kill you…"

"Hey, buddy," Gene said conciliatorily. "There's no need to kill anyone, here."

"No," Ryu disagreed. "My murderous intent… allows me to become stronger…"

Gene took a fighting stance. "Whatever, man. Let's just fight." At the starting bell, gun, whistle, or whatever they had decided to use that day, Gene stepped forward, allowing his hand-to-hand combat skills to come into full play. He and the bulkier man traded blows for a minute, allowing Gene to see that his opponent definitely outmatched him in the brute strength and ferocity department. He also seemed to be very resilient to his physical attacks.

Tiring of the warm up, Ryu caught one of Gene's kicks and tossed him away. "Hadouken!" he shouted, blasting a powerful ki attack at the man. Gene tried to dodge it, but it glanced across his shoulder, tearing his shirt clean away as well as giving his arm a serious wrench out its socket. Gene tossed said tools out of the ring, wondering how a ki attack had bestowed such things on him.

Ryu laughed and disappeared from sight, reappearing behind Gene and laying the smack down. "Augh!" Gene said. "You smack like girl!" Ryu quickly switched to punching Gene, not wanting people to think he was girly or anything. His attack was swift and brutal, breaking bones and pride, and he left the captain bleeding on the ground.

"Stay down," he said. "Get up and I really will kill you. I can't hold back my murderous intent any more…"

Gene growled and struggled to his feet. "You think I'm gonna give up? I'll fight you until the end."

"Is that right?" Ryu said, his face contorting with rage. He cupped his hands and his murderous ki began to glow in his hand. His power level rose higher and higher as his dark emotions fed him.

"Yes, that is right," Gene said, reaching to his side. "You see, I just remembered: I have a gun. Gun beats fist." He unholstered his weapon and aimed. Just as Ryu tried to release the attack, he squeezed the trigger, letting his bullet fly. Moments before the Dark Hadouken was loosed, the tiny projectile reached the martial artist's left eye, traveled through his skull's socket, and out the back of his head. Gene grinned. For a second.

Unfortunately for Gene, the bullet didn't actually put Ryu down until after the massive blast of ki was discharged. Fortunately, it did affect his aim a bit, but only enough so that the dark energy rocket landed a glancing blow on the outlaw. Unfortunately, that blow was so powerful that it shattered half the bones in the man's body.

"Ow!" Gene claimed.

"Both contestants are down!" Bob announced, his words shocking those who were blind or had been going to the bathroom at the time. "We'll have to begin the count." The two fighters lay prone as Bob and Juri began their count, Gene's injuries preventing him from moving beyond a few groans and wiggling his big toe. Ryu was shot in the head. He wasn't dead, yet, but he wasn't getting up from that in ten seconds. "Ten!" Bob said at last, and still neither fighter had risen.

"Can't blame 'em," one spectator, a Jewish man in dirty robes and for some reason wearing a bunch of thorns in his hair, said. "It'd probably take me a good three days to rise from that."

"Well," Juri said. "It looks like both fighters are out! Double K.O. This means that neither side gains a point."

"Hmm," Gouki thought to himself even though the quotation marks made it clear he was speaking. "This may be a problem... we'll have to win the next two matches just to end up with a tie at the end of this." He turned to his last two remaining fighters, this time speaking "for realzies." "Okay, neither of you can screw this up for me, got it? Otherwise, they'll win for sure."

"Next match!" Juri shouted. "Knievel Ken vs. Ryouko!"

"I'll avenge you, Ryu!" Ken growled, flipping onto the stage. "I won't go down like he did."

"Bring it, blondie," Ryouko taunted. "I'm way too much woman for you."

"Au contraire," Ken shot back. "I'm too much _man_ for you!"

Gouki rolled his eyes as he turned from the battle. He had some confidence in Knievel Ken's abilities, which were just about the same as Ryu's, though his specialty leaned more toward the Shouryuken than the Hadouken. However, his newest convert was, unfortunately, a bit different. "Come, Dan."

"Of course, Master!" Dan said theatrically. "But, please, use my new title, in honor of the demonic power given to me by the Dark Gadou!"

"Right..." Gouki said flatly. "Then come... 'Ne'er-do-well' Dan."

The two members of Team Akuma left the stadium just as the battle between Knievel Ken and Ryouko began.

- - -

"So what're we gonna do, huh, Master, huh?" Ne'er-do-well Dan asked enthusiastically. "You gonna give me a concentrated sphere of all your power and experience which will force me to endure unbelievable agony yet come out with wicked awesome powers should I survive?"

"No," Gouki replied curtly.

"Aw, but everyone's doing it."

"I recall that being the way I converted you in the first place," Gouki said. "But I'm afraid that doesn't work on me. Besides, I'm pretty sure, even if you did survive—which is unlikely—you would probably get about the power level of Dark Sakura."

Ne'er-do-well Dan nodded sagely. "I see. So you're saying my power level would actually drop in this case."

"Let's go with that," Gouki said. "What we are going to do is meet a certain... associate that contacted me recently." They reached a door and Gouki rapped on it to the beat of "Shave and a Haircut."

"Enter," a voice said from within. Upon doing just that, Ne'er-do-well Dan was shocked to see the purple haired friend of their current foes decked out in royal Saiyajin garb and with his hair spiked up.

Gouki bowed politely. "Prince Trunks," he said. "I've considered your offer. I believe I shall need a replacement... at least for this weak one."

"Replacement?" Ne'er-do-well Dan said. "Oh, Master, you needn't be so hard on yourself. You aren't that weak, even if you did get beaten in less than ten seconds."

"Shut up!" Gouki growled.

Prince Trunks nodded and gestured to a closet. "Come, then, my Shoto Trunks!"

Trunks came out of the closet, and to the surprise of everyone present, it was _not_ GT Trunks. This Trunks, in fact, had his hair styled in the same manner as Dan and was also wearing a similar gi. His cocky, self-deluded smile also reminded them all heavily of Dan.

"This version of myself," Prince Trunks explained, "Is from a world in which all of your enemies, and even yourself, have counterparts related to my own family and friends. I could also replace Ryu with Shoto Goku, Sakura with Shoto Pan..."

"No, no," Gouki said. "Just the one will do. I'd rather not have any help, but... this guy is just so pitiful."

"I won't accept this!" Ne'er-do-well Dan announced, even though it wasn't even his job. "No cheap knockoff could possibly replace the awesome power of my Dark Gadou!"

"Heh," Shoto Trunks responded. "I'm afraid it is you who are the cheap knockoff. Your Gadouken is pathetic."

"Oh, yeah? Well just watch this!" Ne'er-do-well Dan said. He rolled forward and disappeared, using Gouki's own teleportation technique.

Shoto Trunks gasped and looked all around. He saw Ne'er-do-well Dan's rolling figure appear and disappear all over the room. Finally, he heard a voice shout from behind him, "Yes!" Shoto Trunks whipped himself about, only to see Ne'er-do-well Dan posing in a taunting manner.

"What, you went through all that just to pose like an idiot?" Shoto Trunks asked.

"Blew you the HFIL away, didn't I?"

Shoto Trunks laughed boisterously. "If you want to see a pose that will blow you away..." The violet haired shotoclone rolled toward Dan, now, and planted his feet in the proper position. He moved his arms akimbo, flexing them as he flashed a winning smile. "_Yes_!"

Ne'er-do-well Dan's eyes widened. "Oh... my... Kami!" he said, awestruck. "So... beautiful."

- - -

Knievel Ken and Ryouko stumbled in the midst of their fight as a powerful earthquake surged underneath them. "That quake," Ken said, intrigued. "It's not natural... some awesome power..."

"You should be more worried about this awesome power!" Ryouko growled, not having the particular curiosity with which Ken was saddled. She flew toward the martial artist, her energy blade glowing red.

Ken leaped back as Ryouko thrust the sword at him. The red beam passed through his body, but Ken was already fading, having used his new master's teleportation technique. He reappeared behind Ryouko, light shining between his palms. He let loose his hadouken, and it struck the demon caller, who had just barely had time to turn around.

The smoke cleared, and Ryouko could be seen, her arm and a good portion of the right side of her torso missing. "You're... a lot better than I would have expected, seeing as how your buddy was taken out by a guy I could disintegrate without effort."

"I call shenanigans!" Knievel Ken growled. "That was a fluke. Not only have we never had to deal with people shooting us in a street fight, I'm pretty sure Ryu's power was lowered to satisfy the hardcore gamers' demand for balanced stats!" He clenched his fist and grit his teeth in frustration. "Damn you, hardcore gamers! You basta~ards!"

"Yeah, they're pretty annoying," Ryouko said. "Just like those damned anime and manga fans, especially the ones who complain about dubs, even the ones that are perfectly fine, or that the subtitles translated some little thing wrong even though it fits just fine." Ryouko finished regrowing her arm and then said, "Okay, now that we've hopefully alienated every one of our readers, let's get on with this."

Ken advanced on his opponent carefully. When she got in range, he shot a few weak punches at her, then crouched to deliver a sweeping kick. She faded out, using her own ability to teleport. However, when she reappeared behind him, ready to strike, he grinned. Unknown to her, but known to us, Ken's Super Bar had reached its full capacity. And the moment she appeared, he unleashed his full power flaming Shouryuken.

Ryouko endured the flaming feet of fiery... flagellation. When the assault ended, she rolled out of Ken's range, ignoring the burns as they would heal momentarily. "I'm gonna make you regret that," she said, and fired a series of three energy beams.

Ken blocked with a hadouken, but it only stopped the first of the blasts. He took the other two head on, the force of which reduced his shirt to ash. Panting, he looked down at his bare chest and struck on an idea. "I've only got one shot at this. She's so powerful she's taken my Super attack and still has more than half an hp bar left!" He pointed at Juri and said, "Do it!"

"Oh!" Juri said, having received instructions to provide an addition to the ring upon request. Since it seemed a fairly innocuous addition, the judges had agreed to allow it. She pressed a button on a remote, and suddenly a pole not unlike that used by firemen to get around ascended from the center of the ring. "Done."

Ken smirked. "You're done for, now," he said.

"And what, exactly, could you possibly do to finish me off?" Ryouko asked with an air of cockiness.

"This!" he said confidently, grabbing the pole. He swung himself around and began to move his hips in a rhythmic fashion as techno music began to play over the speakers.

"Wh-what?" Ryouko asked, puzzled.

"It's a well known fact," Ken explained, "That no Japanese woman, fictional or otherwise, can resist the allure of an American man! Thus..." he grabbed his gi pants with one hand and ripped them clean off, revealing an American flag patterned thong. His glutes suddenly began to wiggle around in a physics defying display. He continued to gyrate as the female half of the crowd slowly went insane.

"Ranma, let me go!" Akane shouted from outside the ring as Ranma tried to restrain her from rushing the stage. "I just want to touch him. Just once!"

"No, Akane," Ranma protested. "You don't know what you're doing!"

Akane grabbed a bucket of cold water that was coincidentally just sitting there at ringside and tossed it on her fiancé.

"I want to do dirty things to your naughty parts, Ken!" Akane's fiancée screamed.

"Oh, yeah!" Ryouko shouted beside the two. "Either of you got 1000 yen? 500?"

"Hey, wait a minute!" Yusuke shouted. "Aren't you supposed to be up there?"

"No way," Ryouko said, blushing. "It's against protocol to be up on stage while the performers are dancing!"

"Ten!" Juri shouted.

"You idiot," Yusuke growled. "And that's something coming from me."

Ken laughed as he ceased his dance and walked off the stage to the adoring cheers of his fans. His joviality ended suddenly when he saw two men standing to the side, waiting for him. "Hey, who are you?"

"We're from the NAACP," the man with the pink dye job said sternly.

"W-wait..." Ken said. "We're all white. Kinda. Well, we're not black, anyway."

"Not _that_ NAACP, fool!" Pink Dye Job growled. "The National Association of Anime-American Cartoon Pride. I'm Chibadee Crocket and this is my partner, Bandit Keith."

"You're a disgrace to men everywhere," Keith said. "In _America_!"

"Well, you know what?" Ken said. "I say that male stripping is the essence of what America is all about. It's a place where men and women of any background can get naked and disgrace themselves in front of members of any gender for money. That's equality. That's the American Dream!"

"Whoa man," Keith said. "That's deep... in _America_."

"Besides, what kind of American name is 'Chibadee'?" Ken asked. "I bet you guys are from freakin' Canada or something."

"No!" Keith cried. "It's not true!"

"It's okay, man," Chibadee said, patting his partner on the back. "It's gonna be okay."

The Tenkaichi Budoukai announcer stepped up to the stage. "The next match is between Ranma and Ne'er-do-well Dan! If Ranma defeats Dan, his team will win. If he is instead defeated, we will have ended in a stalemate."

Ranma poured hot water on herself, changing back into a man and trying his hardest to block out the memories of foaming at the mouth over a guy. "Well," he said, ascending the stairs to the arena. "I guess I'll just have to win, won't I?"

"I'd like to see you try," the man going by the name "Ne'er-do-well Dan" said.

"W-wait," Ranma said, looking him up and down. "T-Trunks?"

Shoto Trunks laughed, tossing his violet ponytail back effeminately, causing Mirai no Chibi Trunks to suddenly pick up the pace of his power walking considerably. "Just call me 'Dan,' fool. Let's fight."

to be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________

This may be the last chapter that is actually a group effort. Sadness. However, this was all done originally half a decade ago, and we have since all gone our separate ways. In spite of that, I hope to be able to wrap this up and still use all the ideas we had, as we actually plotted this fic for a good while into the future. Plot? What? So enjoy the heretofore unseen chapters of SUM Ranma ½ Crossover courtesy of the Director. That's me, 'cause I said so.


	17. Chapter 16

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and Readers Like You!

Disclaimer: I'll claim your face!

Chapter 16:

"You have done well these past nine chapters, which for you have been like years," Vegeta said. "Not unlike the experience of any of those who read this drivel back when it was first begun."

"Yes, sensei," his student replied. "But unlike those readers, who have grown fatter and lazier over time, I have grown more powerful."

"Then come," Vegeta said. "Let us go face your rival in a final one-on-one battle that will tear this fanfiction asunder!"

- - -

Shoto Trunks, henceforth known as "Ne'er-do-well Dan" or "Dan," dashed toward party B, heretofore known as "Ranma" or "whatever half-assed descriptor the author can come up with." Launching himself into the air, he came down upon the young martial artist, delivering a flurry of punches and kicks. Ranma weaved around the blows, barely managing to dodge. However, the pigtailed martial artist quickly found an opening in Dan's defenses and exploited it.

"Ha!" Ranma's punch decimated Dan's offense. "And here I thought having a giant magic lemon tree growing out of my head would put me at some disadvantage. I guess having my power level increased to around Freeza's first form's and then multiplied by twenty really helps."

"That's..." Dan hesitated. "That's mind-boggling."

"You son of a..." Mirai no Trunks started, feeling threatened that his catch phrase was now being used by his alternate self.

"I mean," Dan continued, "For one thing, that would make you stronger than Goku was after going Super Saiyajin, even though it pales in comparison to how strong he was when he got back. And for another thing, how do we even know this stuff? That stuff happened when you were, like, seven or something and on a training trip with your dad and I'm from another dimension!"

"You know what," Ranma said. "Don't question the author's exposition techniques, okay? It can only end badly."

"Point taken," Dan conceded, as he well should have as nothing can stop the mighty power of the author. "Whatever, man. Let's have us the obligatory action sequence!"

And thus they did. Their fight scene was epic and sensational, blowing away any fight scene seen thus far or henceforth. Its awesomeness was so great that any person attempting to relate it afterward could only make vague references to its sheer blinding greatness.

"Wow," Yusuke said from the sidelines. "This fight is amazing... in ways I can only vaguely describe!"

"Right," Akane said. "Like... it's got so much... cool stuff in it."

"I think it would be cooler if they did more of that... sweet stuff they're doing right there," Ryouko said.

"It's mind-boggling," Mirai no Trunks commented.

Ranma disengaged from the violet haired shotoclone, his body bruised and face bloodied. However, his bruises were already fading as the power of the Jurai lemon tree healed his wounds. "You're pretty damned tough," Ranma commented. "But I think I'm a little tougher!" He bowed sharply, and his head-tree slammed over Dan's noggin.

"Augh, no fair!" Dan growled as he suddenly found himself nailed waist deep in the ring. Pulling himself out of the hole, he dusted himself off. "Okay, I can see that this fight is going a bit south for me. However, this isn't my full ability!" He suddenly began to roll toward Ranma, stopping in a wide stance and posing with arms in full muscle display mode. "Yes!"

Ranma braced himself as he suddenly felt the man's ki go through the roof. Or it would have if the stadium hadn't been open-air. In any case, a wall of sheer power slammed into the pigtailed boy, and his feet slid across the stadium. When the tremendous outpouring of energy abated, Ranma wasn't too surprised to see "Dan" glowing with golden light as his blond ponytail seemed to defy gravity and his emerald eyes glared at him piercingly. "This isn't cool, man."

Dan smirked and his image blurred as he leaped behind Ranma. He backhanded the boy, sending him flying tree-first into the stands. He waited as the boy got back into the ring. "You fool," he said. "You don't stand a chance against _my_ murderous intent."

"Shut up and fight," Ranma said firmly. He rushed at the Super Shotoclone and launched a furious series of strikes, but the other man dodged them with ease. He backed away and launched a powerful Mouko Takabisha, but it was batted away. Moments later in a nearby neighborhood, hundreds died as a ball of light detonated. No one cared, though, because they were just extras.

"Heh, now you're hardly any fun at all," Ne'er-do-well Dan said confidently. "At least you're healing quickly. You'll make an excellent punching bag!" Now the blond street fighter went on full offense, slamming his fists into the pigtailed boy at full speed. Ranma was able to block a handful of them, but it was only a thousandth of the blows that landed. A normal human of Ranma's strength would have already been knocked unconscious, but Ranma's tree was working overtime healing his damage.

Ranma managed to escape the onslaught when Dan paused momentarily. He knew he couldn't weather this fight much longer. Even with that tree working, he could feel that the shotoclone was rapidly wearing him down. He decided to take this opportunity to set up his ultimate attack, which could defeat opponents infinitely tougher than he.

Dan came at him again, and Ranma began his circle, staying calm and cool even as Dan's fists managed to strike him several times. He didn't let that stop him. He pulled Dan along with him into the spiral, and as he came to the center he stopped, cocking his arm for a final uppercut. Dan, however, held his hand up and smirked. "Gadouken!" he growled, and a massive sphere of ki coalesced in his hand as he brought it down. Ranma's fist came up in the same instant and corkscrewed into the blast, injecting cold ki into it and causing the force to redirect as the two ki clashed.

"Hiryuu Shouten Ha!" Ranma shouted. The twister that resulted engulfed the ring, ringside, and the first few rows of seating. The winds ripped spectators from the stands and sent them flying, and even the stronger fighters at ringside struggled to stay ground bound. Ranma stood coolly in the eye of the attack, allowing the winds to swirl around him ineffectually. His target, on the other hand, had been launched out of sight. The winds began to die down, spectators dropping from the sky like flies. No one cared about them, either, because they were just extras.

"Uhhh," the Tenkaichi Budoukai announcer said. "Is... is he coming back?"

Ranma smirked as he looked into the sky. "Oh, yeah. He's comin'. I just blasted him above LEO."

"No!" Akane gasped. "You mean you launched him into... VIRGO?!"

"HFIL," Yusuke said. "A hit like that might have hit him right past that into LIBRA."

A point of darkness in the sky soon became a recognizable human figure. Dan was plummeting back to Earth at maximum velocity. He landed high up in the stands, causing a large cloud of dust to shoot up like a friendly mushroom. Moments later, Dan leaped from the cloud and landed back in the ring. "That hurt."

"That's kinda what I was aimin' for," Ranma said. The reprieve won through his attack had allowed him to heal the most serious of his wounds, though his energy level was very depleted. However, his confident posture wouldn't have told anyone such.

The Super Shotoclone growled and charged at Ranma. The pigtailed martial artist swung his head about, warding the man off with the tree growing from his head. _That tree_, he thought. _That's what gives him such strength!_ He backed off and fired several ki blasts, which Ranma sidestepped. Then he dashed toward him, shouting, "Let's go head on!"

"Okay!" Ranma agreed congenially. He began running toward his opponent full tilt. He saw Dan lower his head as if going for a headbutt, which prompted Ranma, being a big fan of the monkey-see-monkey-do philosophy, to do the same.

Moments before being hit by Ranma's head tree, Dan stopped and raised his hand. "Shinku Gadouken!" he announced, his hand shining brightly. Thrusting forward, a large sphere of energy expanded from his hand, engulfing the tree. Ranma kept moving forward, however, and the shotoclone found himself being pushed back even as his attack ate away at the tree. By the time his attack dispersed, he was already at the edge, but he held firm. His hand was now gripped around a charred stump.

"Ooga," Ranma said wearily. "That kinda hurt."

Dan smirked and kneed the young man in the gut, and then tossed him away. "Without your tree, your ability to heal and your extra power are neutralized."

Ranma struggled to his feet. "That may be... but my body is still all intact. You're bleeding and bruised all over. You can't fight much longer!"

Dan nodded. "I suppose you're right. On the other hand, you're rather tired yourself."

"Not too tired to beat you!" Ranma declared confidently.

Dan frowned. "Maybe you're right. Either way, I can fix that..." He laughed and leaped back, fading from view. At the same time, another him seemed to fade into view as he jumped back into the ring, but this him was shirtless and clad in shorts, while his hair was gelled straight up.

"W-what?"

"I'm Trunks Higash—I mean, Joe Higashi!" the new version of Trunks said.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Bob the announcer protested. "You can't switch fighters in the middle of a match!"

"Oh," Higashi said. "Righhht... well, I'm really Ne'er-do-well Dan, it's just that I changed clothes really fast and have decided I want to change my name. Yeah, that's it! See? I even have the same face." He pointed to his Trunksy visage.

"He does have the same face," Juri commented. "I guess he must be the same guy."

"Hey, wait a minute," Ranma protested. "Didn't you accept the fact that the last guy was Dan even though he had a different face because he had the same clothes? And now you're accepting this guy is the same 'cause he has the same face?"

"Hey," Bob said. "You turned into a girl and we accepted it. Them's the breaks!"

"Bastard!" Ranma snorted.

Higashi ran toward Ranma and kicked out at him, causing strong whirlwinds to blast the pigtailed martial artist up. Ranma was too weary to fight back effectively. He was beaten and battered by various energy enforced kicks and tiny tornadoes for another two minutes before he was finally knocked out of the ring. Though Ranma, barely conscious, struggled to crawl back into the ring, the ten count passed moments before he could touch it.

Higashi laughed as he was declared winner, descending the stairs to ringside where he was joined by Shoto Trunks. The two put their arms around each other's shoulders and began to celebrate. However, at that moment, a purple car with spinning rims screeched into ringside. The back window rolled down and Pimp-T leaned out of the window. The two Trunks turned around in surprise.

"Eat hot ki, suckas!" Pimp-T shouted, pulling his pistol out and firing multiple rounds of energy from it. He then pulled himself back in and the car screeched away.

"This is horrible!" Bob shouted. "Ne'er-do-well Dan has just been involved in a drive-by shooting! Twice!"

"They're two people, idiot!" Akane grumbled.

Gouki sighed and grabbed up the two corpses, dumping them out of sight. "Well, regardless, it looks as if we have a tie."

"That's right!" Juri said. "But we can't just leave it at a tie. We're going to have to have a tiebreaker!"

"Both teams, however, have one backup member," Bob reminded them. "Therefore, it's very possible that we can simply have these two remaining fighters duel it out!"

Gouki froze. "Him? But... n-no, that might not be a good idea..."

"Yes!" a cloaked figure shouted from the shadows. "Me!"

Mr. Satan, who had been as quiet as possible until now, chose to pipe up. "Uh, no, that's okay! I, uh... hurt my knee a bit ago and..."

A blue garbed midget came out, clad in clown pants and a big pointy hat. "I am the Black Mage! I make things die!"

"Waaahahahahaha!" Mr. Satan laughed. "I'll destroy you little man!"

"Wait a minute!" a new figure said. "I'll be the backup here." Standing at ringside now was a man in a ragged brown cloak, with long black hair cascading from the shadowy hood. "It is my right!"

"Hey, wait a minute…" Black Mage said. "Hood guy! We can't even see your face. Who, exactly do you think you are!"

The hooded figure looked with a black expression (because he was wearing a hood, duh) at the Black Mage. "We can't see your face, either!"

"Hey!" Black Mage said. "You can see my eyes, can't you? The eyes are the window to the soul!"

"Feh," the hooded man said. "Then apparently your soul has jaundice. And… neon… dice."

"Dude, I have neon dice!" a man with a red feathered cap and a mask to hide what was likely an incredibly grotesque visage shouted as he displayed his hideously gimmicky D-20.

"Omigawd!" GT Trunks cheered. "I've got the same thing! Let's be BFFs!"

Black Mage looked blankly from his glowing yellow eyes. "What?"

"Nothing, let's fight for the right…" the hooded guy began.

"To parrrrrrrr-tay!" a red haired, armored lad finished.

"No, you idiot!" the hooded dude said.

"Don't worry," Black Mage said. "I already knifed him." He gestured to the red headed fighter, who was now skipping away with several knife hilts protruding from his skull. He then crashed into a wall and collapsed.

"Okay, where were we…?" Hood Man asked. "Oh, right! Fight for the right to fight in the tournament."

"Fine!" Black Mage said. "We'll decide this with an energy beam war. But I'll warn you, _my_ hadouken is powered by the most powerful force on Earth!"

"Fine by me," Hoody said. "I've seen Hell, and walked through it unscathed. Your attack will pale before the fruits of my training."

"Yeah? I've seen Hell, too," Black Mage said. "Ruled it for awhile, too." He shrugged and cupped his tiny hands, charging his energy beam. "Okay, let's go. Hadouken!"

In the stands, a pretty young newlywed girl turned to her husband and smacked him. "I don't love you anymore!" She took off her wedding ring and threw it in the confused man's face. "I want a divorce!"

Hood-Daddy smirked in the shadows of his hood. He crossed his arms and red lightning bolts arced from his wrists. He held out his hands and a large ball of ki formed, blasting outward to meet Black Mage's Hadouken.

In the stands, a man who had just had his new wife throw his ring back in his face and storm away felt unusually happy, and decided this might be a great time to get that new novel of his published. Also, he was pretty sure that cute short haired girl from Team Budoukai was checking him out. Maybe now that he was free of the bonds of matrimony, it would be a good time to get his mack on.

The two ki attacks wrestled for dominance, but after a grueling match involving tables, ladders, and chairs, Vince McMahon interrupted like the ass-hat he is and it ended up being called a tie and scheduled for next week's Raw on Pay-Per-View. During the match, the hood of the hooded figure was blown away with the rest of his shirt, thankfully sparing the audience from seeing the horror of Black Mage's naked face and torso, and revealing his own face to be one very familiar.

"Ryouga!" Ranma shouted from his hospital stretcher. "Hey, what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to finish off our duel between men!" Ryouga said. "Our rivalry must climax now in one final battle which will tear this—"

"Oh, so you've been training with Vegeta," Ranma quipped. "You could've just said so."

"Anyway!" Ryouga said. "I'm impressed that you managed to match my Shikon Houkodan."

"Wait," Black Mage said. "'Shikon'? As in the demonic jewel that will grant its user any wish?"

"That's right," Ryouga said, holding his wrists up. "There's one small shard of it in each wrist. Shards given to me by Vegeta sensei, which were used to power Freeza's cyborg body. For me, they give me greater strength and stamina, and also allow me to power my Shishi Houkodan by absorbing the depression of people around me."

"Well, that sounds nice," Black Mage said.

"Whatever," Ryouga said. "Let's finish this. How about another beam war?"

"Uh… how about not?" Black Mage said. "I can kinda only use that attack a limited amount per day and… well… I've pretty much hit that limit."

"You're out!" Gouki said, suddenly, kicking Black Mage into the stratosphere. "You're in!" He said, pointing to Ryouga.

Ryouga laughed maniacally. "Yes! Now, Ranma, it's going to be you and me!"

"Actually," Bob said, "It'll be you and Mr. Satan. It's supposed to be the backups fighting each other."

"Dammit!" Ryouga said. "But I wanna fight Ranma!"

"O-oohhhh!" Mr. Satan said, grasping his stomach. "I don't know if I _can_ fight. My stomach hurts so bad!"

"His stomach?" Juri said condescendingly. "Come on, who's gonna let him get away with tha—"

Bob cut Juri off with a loud smack from his pimp hand. "How dare you?" he shouted. "A martial artist's true strength comes right from his core! Without that, Mr. Satan is nothing!"

"D-daddy!" a small girl with blond hair, big sunglasses, and fins for ears cried with tears in her eyes.

"Wh-why are you hurting Mommy?" her little brother, who looked fairly normal except for the blue hair and lizard tail.

"Oh…" Bob said, collapsing to his knees. "What have I done…?" He clutched his skull as if in agony. "_What have I beco~ome!_" He dashed away, too ashamed to meet his family's gaze.

"Bobby, wait!" Juri called after him. "We can work this out!"

"Anyway!" Ranma said. "Let's not worry about it. I'll fight you, Ryouga."

"Really?" Ryouga asked with glee.

"But, dude," Yusuke said. "You're in pretty bad shape. How do you figure you'll be able to fight him after that fight with Shoto Trunks and his tag team partner/clone."

"Don't worry about it," Ranma said. "I just need a few minutes rest is all…"

"Heh, you've got it," Ryouga said.

- - -

Ranma roamed the hallways, looking for Washu. He figured she would be easily able to fix his tree and body, being the genius who cured Akane. However, as he wandered, he found a tall, beautiful blue haired woman in fancy robes walking toward him.

"Ranma?" she asked in a voice that nearly made him melt. "I… am Tsunami. I've come to heal you."

"Oh, really?" he asked, still a bit dumbstruck by her almost godly beauty. Had he met her before, he wondered. Perhaps in some kind of prophetic dream sequence back at the beginning of the fanfic?

"Yes, really," Tsunami said, her laugh like wind chimes. "Come," she said, pulling him close to her and putting her forehead to his. The markings on her forehead glowed, and now a similar glow began to emanate from Ranma's own head, this in the shape of a lemon. "Now… I shall work on your body."

"What?"

- - -

Ranma lay discombobulated in a random bed, with a cigarette sticking out of his mouth. He didn't know how it had gotten there, but with all the frenetic activity that had just occurred, he didn't know much about anything.

"Mmm," Tsunami said beside him. "That was a great… overhaul."

Ranma turned his head to smile weakly at the buxom woman, only to find a familiar scrawny girl with blue hair lying disrobed in the bed beside him. "Sa… Sasami?"

The young girl turned to look at him as she took a long drag on her cigarette. "Yes, dear?"

The spectators randomly walking the corridors between matches looked on in morbid interest as a naked pigtailed boy ran screaming through the halls. He finally stopped when he bumped into a stately-looking woman in a complex dress with a single marking on her forehead who had been running equally frantically.

"Oh," the woman said, surprised. "Yes, just who I was looking for." She grabbed the boy by the pigtail. "I am Lady Tokimi. I came so I could help to give you your strength back before my sisters could get a hold of you and screw it up." She butted her head up against his and that weird lemon mark started to glow on his head again. "Now… to empower your body!"

- - -

Ranma lay groaning in bed, sore in places he'd forgotten could get sore. He was currently clad in some kind of leather clothing which didn't actually clothe anything that should be clothed, and now had three cigarettes sticking out of his mouth.

"Mmm," Tokimi said beside him. "You really know how to… empower yourself."

Ranma turned his head to smile weakly at the buxom woman, only to find a completely unfamiliar head the size of his whole body with the same jewel that had been embedded in Tokimi's chest embedded in his forehead. "Wh-who are you?"

The gigantic, grotesque head turned to look at him and took a long drag on his cigarettes, though how he could do so without any apparent lungs, Ranma could only guess. "I'm D3, deary, Lady Tokimi's emissary in this universe," he said.

The spectators randomly walking the corridors between matches looked on in morbid interest as a leather clad pigtailed boy ran screaming through the halls. He finally stopped when he bumped into a familiar red haired girl. "W-Washu?" he asked timidly.

Washu looked curiously at Ranma's state of dress. "Well, it looks like you've had an interesting time. In any case, I've come to enhance you…" She looked on in confusion as the scantily clad boy ran off screaming in the other direction. "What? I was just going to give him this new biobooster armor I'd developed." She looked mournfully at the metallic disk, but then shrugged and tossed it behind her. An unfortunate spectator named Sho screamed as the biobooster armor suddenly decided he'd make a good host and embedded itself in his back. "Oh, oops," Washu said apologetically. "Sorry 'bout that."

- - -

Ranma finally managed to recover from his trauma and redress himself for his final match. He could feel the power of the Juraijin lemon tree flowing through the roots that had embedded themselves deep within him. His forehead was now permanently marked with a green lemon shape. In short, he now had all the advantages of his old power up but had conveniently lost the huge tree on his head because, let's face it, it's not exactly easy to write about a guy with a huge tree growing out of his head.

"You ready to fight, Ranma?" Ryouga said from the ring.

Ranma stepped up and cocked his head to the side. "Yeah, I'm game. How 'bout you, P-chan?"

"Shikon Houkodan!"

"Holy monkeys!" Ranma said, leaning backward and just barely managing to dodge the powerful blast. "Okay, I get it! You're ready!"

Ryouga didn't waste his words, but instead flew right at Ranma. The pigtailed martial artist exchanged a supersonic flurry of fists with his rival. He was still quicker than Ryouga, as he was landing more punches, but Ryouga's punches were definitely harder, and Ranma quickly found his head swimming. Fortunately, David Hasselhoff was in the audience and dove in to save Ranma's head before it drowned.

The two martial artists disengaged and began to critically assess each other's new abilities. Ranma noted that Ryouga was favoring his right arm, though he kicked more often with his left leg. His punches tended to go a little wide, so there was a brief moment of vulnerability when he threw one. His favorite combination seemed to be a lead in side kick followed by a jab-backfist cross.

_I wonder if Akane thinks I look hot_, Ryouga thought. _Is she behind me right now? Maybe I should flex my ass a little…_

Behind Ryouga, Akane secretly admired the fanged boy's posterior. _Wow,_ she thought. _He's gonna make some guy real happy. I just feel bad about Akari. She'll be devastated when she finally realizes she's just a beard._

Ranma blitzed toward his foe after a few moments. He came in hot firing his confidence-boosted Mouko Takabisha, while Ryouga merely countered with his own energy blasts. Ranma then seemed to fade from Ryouga's view as he took advantage of his own superior speed to leap behind the lost boy. Filled with more arrogance than ever, he let loose his powerful attack.

Ryouga found himself blasted into the air at that, but he shrugged the attack off. It hurt, but that wouldn't put him down quite yet. The Shikon shards in his wrist glowed as he quickly drained any negative emotions from the arena. Soon the entire island was filled with mindlessly enraptured beings. He let loose the depressive energy down on the stage, which Ranma attempted to counter with his Mouko Takabisha.

Ranma soon found that his efforts were in vain, as while he slowed down the Shikon Takabisha considerably, his own positive energies didn't do enough to bolster his ki. He reached down deep inside and pulled out the power of the purified Kaiouken, however, and rammed that power right back at Ryouga, stopping the swell of power seconds before it hit him and pushing it back toward the middle.

"Damn!" Gouki cursed from the sidelines. "That kid is able to match Ryouga's depression fueled power through sheer will! There must be some way to give him more power…" He looked around and then saw it! His ticket to victory. "Hey, everyone, look at this!"

The cameras and audience's eyes suddenly focused on Gouki, who was now holding a small, cute puppy. "Awww," they all said in unison. Then, in a flash, Gouki and the puppy disappeared and reappeared again, and Gouki dropped a bloodied and beaten puppy to the ground.

"No!" Yusuke said. "He… he just put that puppy through Hell!"

"Feh," Kuwabara snorted. "It's just a puppy. Good riddance."

The audience all began to mourn the loss of the poor animal, some bursting into tears, but the mood suddenly lifted as a pinkish aura began to glow around them and waft toward Ryouga, whose ki blast suddenly increased in size.

Akane laughed mirthfully. "Omg, did you see how that puppy hit the ground? It was all like… rmmm!" She could barely contain her giggling. In much the same way, everyone else suddenly decided they were much happier with the puppy gone. In fact, some speculated, it was rumored that that puppy had started the Canine Flu which had killed… maybe three or four people, but still it was the principle of the thing!

"Gaah!" Ranma said as his beam began to lose ground. "This ain't cool!"

"On the contrary, Ranma!" Ryouga said. "It is, in fact, quite cool!" He pushed his beam harder and the energy washed over Ranma, exploding in a fiery fit.

"Oh, no! Ranma!" Akane cried.

"Your face doesn't really match your words, girl," Yusuke said, eyeing the tomboy's happy grin.

"I ain't goin' down that easy!" Ranma shouted, flying out of the debris cloud. He engaged Ryouga fist and foot faster than before. He was now operating at full capacity, and his strength and speed both overwhelmed the fanged boy.

"Dammit!" Ryouga backed away from his opponent quickly. He hadn't expected Ranma to become so much stronger in days while it had taken him years. It wasn't fair at all! Then again, when it came to Ranma, he always seemed to have the advantage. "I'm not going to take this!" He dove back into striking range and began to fight harder, almost matching Ranma now blow for blow, fueled by his anger and depression.

Meanwhile, Gouki was already preparing for the final move. "Alright, so these are going to be broadcasting worldwide on all channels?"

"That's right," the bespectacled cameraman said. "We hacked an uplink to every satellite in orbit."

"I'm not going to ask how you did that, but good job," Gouki said. "Roll 'em!"

"Juri, please!" Bob said. "I love you! You're my everything!"

"You should have thought of that before you cheated on me with that… that slut, Koto!"

"That… that wasn't what it looked like!" Bob said.

"Don't give me that! I'm leaving you and I'm taking the kids!"

Gouki shook his head. "It's too tragic…" He grabbed a megaphone and called out. "Alright, amp up the melodrama!"

Bob sat at his desk, tears rolling down his face as he stared at the divorce papers. He pulled out some old love letters and read them, underlining every "I love you" in red. He walked through the hallways, looking forlornly at the pictures of Juri. At the bar he drank himself near to death, and as he ambled home through the rain soaked streets, he stumbled in front of a fast moving car.

After the accident, he was forever confined to a wheelchair and lost his job. He languished slowly alone in his hovel, completely alone now and surviving off of his tiny disability checks. His daughter married and his son was killed in the war, and he wasn't there for either of them, and this fact crushed his soul deeply.

One night what little possession he had were ransacked by robbers, and afterward he bought a gun for his protection. Early one evening soon after, he heard a commotion at the door. Still feeling jumpy from the last encounter, he wheeled himself around and shot at the door. He heard a thunk and he went to the door and opened it. There on the other side lying in a pool of blood was Juri. His bullet had hit her right in the head.

Bob picked up a letter in her hand. It was her all too familiar handwriting. He could hardly read it through the tears that blurred his vision and the shaking of his hands, but there near the end, underlined twice in red, were the words "I still love you." He dropped the letter and the gun and fell out of his chair, clinging to Juri's corpse as he wailed in agony.

The next morning, two bodies were found on Bob's front step, arms wrapped around each other as if they were sleeping. The paramedics identified the cause of death for the woman easily enough. The man, however, seemed as if his heart had simply stopped beating.

"Alright!" Gouki said. "Cut and print!"

The audience, including the entire world watching their televisions at home (the world's time zones had been synchronized just for this event to make sure everyone was awake to watch this event, because that's how the Spirit World rolls, son) was bawling at this point, but their tears quickly dried as Ryouga's Shikon Houkodan absorbed their depression. His beam quickly overtook Ranma, destroying a quarter of the ring as it exploded.

"Hahahaha," Ryouga laughed. "Your arrogance is your weakness!"

"And your faith in your friends is yours!" Ranma said, suddenly appearing behind Ryouga. "Wait…" he said, pausing as he processed what his mouth had just said. "That doesn't sound right…"

"Shut up, Ranma!" Ryouga said, punching him in the face. "I'm tired of playing second banana to you! My banana is way bigger than yours; it should be first!"

"Only when I'm in cold water!" Ranma countered, kicking the fanged boy in the groin. He then battered his rival with super speed punches. Ryouga recovered, however, as his endurance was still much more than Ranma's, and he began to counter attack. Finally, they separated and sized each other up, moving slowly in a circle around each other.

Ranma stopped. He remembered something that King Kai and Goku had taught him, and the business with the Shikon Houkodan had given him an idea. He closed his eyes and spread his arms.

"What's this, Ranma?" Ryouga said with a grin. "Are you giving up?" He grew perturbed as the other man seemed to ignore him. "Well, if you won't say you give up and won't move to attack, maybe I'll just…" He crouched in a horse stance. "Give you another taste of my ultimate Shikon Houkodan!" He began to concentrate on pulling all the sadness and negative energy out of the world. It was more difficult this time as he had already used a large bit of it, but he went down deep, pulling out some of the hidden fears and terrors of the populace.

"Hey, I just remembered that I was horribly abused as a child," one man said. "But I'm okay with that."

A woman said, "I just realized that my constant attraction to horrible men stems from my emotionally distant father and my mother's constant criticism, but suddenly it doesn't bother me."

One burly ex-military man gasped. "My rejection of my gay son and unreasonable animosity toward queers in general comes from my own deep seated homosexual urges! But now I think the gays are faaaaabulous!"

Ryouga dug deeply into the hidden reservoirs of negative emotion, and suddenly his eyes widened. "Wow, my own soul crushing loneliness is actually what drives my rivalry with Ranma, and a resentment that he seems to have so many friends and everyone, including him, ignored me in junior high. In addition, my fixation on Akane also comes from that same loneliness and need for any kind of attention at all, plus a load of sexual frustration. If only I'd come to terms with my fears of inadequacy that led me to withdraw from people sooner!"

"Well, that's very enlightening, Ryouga," Ranma said cheerfully. "And this next sentence will be, too. While you were sitting there drawing on the depression of everyone with your shikon things, I was drawing on the confident spirits of every living thing on the planet to form…" he held on hand out in front of him with palm up, and a large, bright ball of golden energy sprang from it. "Genki Takabisha!"

Ryouga smiled, for the first time in his life feeling genuinely happy. "Fine, then. One last attack!" He thrust the ball of negative energy out as Ranma tossed his Genki Takabisha into the air and bat it at him like a volleyball. The attacks collided and shone blindingly bright for a moment before Ranma's attack drilled through the Shikon Houkodan and rammed into the lost boy's face.

The crowd had been smart enough to quickly evacuate the stands directly behind Ryouga, so that when he and the large ball of destructive energy hit, no one but the intended victim was harmed in the ensuing explosion. Ten seconds passed, and the fanged boy still lay outside the ring unconscious.

"Team Budoukai advances to the Finals!" Bob cried. As the cheers subsided, he turned to Juri and said, "Hey, if you're not doing anything after the Finals or anything…"

"Um…" Juri said. "About that… see… I know we played like we were in love in that movie, but I'm not really looking for anything serious right now…"

"Aw, but I thought we had great chemistry," Bob said, scratching the back of his head. "And, you know, our kids looked pretty cute."

"Aheh, yeah," Juri said with a nervous lilt. "Theywere child actors, that's what they were hired for."

"Well, maybe—"

"_For the second round of the Semi-finals!_" Juri suddenly bellowed. "It's Team Darushe vs… Team Duel Monsters!"

Suddenly, amidst a seemingly miraculously rebuilt ring (though thanks once again went to Ryouko), the five members of Team Darushe faced off against five gangly teens with really wild hair.

The big haired blond of the group said in an obnoxious Brooklyn accent, "Alright, you guys, get ready for an ass whoopin'!"

"I've got one question," Dark Schneider said. "What's with the children's playing cards?"

to be continued…

_______________________________________________________________________

Wow, there's going to be yet another chapter for this tournament! I wonder if it will ever end? Yes, I hope so, too. But don't worry! I can promise you that slightly less than half the jokes for the next round will be blatant rip offs of Yugioh Abridged. To think that YouTube didn't even exist when we began writing this… ahhhh, we're old, now. Just like our jokes.


	18. Chapter 17

The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover  
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and Readers Like You!

Disclaimer: It's time to d-d-d-d-disclaim! Disclaim on! Subtle pun-based reference to Yugi-oh!

Chapter 17:

"So you want to decide this match… with a children's card game?"

The crazy-haired kid in blue nodded, his innocent eyes gleaming. "Gee, yes, mister. That's how all fateful duels of destiny are decided where I'm from."

"Wow," Dark Schneider said. "That's real cute, kid. So this is how you made it this far?"

"Yup!" little Yugi said cheerfully. "The power of friendship and faith in the Heart of the Cards lifted our spirits to—"

"I'm conflicted," Dark Schneider said to Abigail, the forest green haired necromancer. "One part of me wants to vomit from the unbridled innocence and naïveté of these brats. Another part of me wants to just burn them to a crisp." He folded his arms and regarded the opposing group. "And yet, an inexplicably large part of me has the urge to agree to their ridiculous terms."

Abigail nodded. "Perfectly understandable. Collectible card games are truly a worthy pastime for the discerning hobbyist."

"You sound like you know what you're talking about," Dark Schneider said.

"I've dabbled," Abigail said, hefting ten binders into the ring.

"Yugi-ohhhhh!" the kid yelled for some reason, and the others looked at him quizzically. His voice seemed to drop suddenly in the middle of his scream, as well. "Well, come on!" the suddenly baritone boy said. "What are you, a bunch of wussies?"

"That's it!" Dark Schneider said angrily. "Abigail, I want you to destroy this kid at a children's card game!"

"With pleasure, sir," Abigail said. "I will duel you, myself… Pharaoh!"

Dark Yugi grinned. "You know."

"That's right. I'm a necromancer, you see, so I have a certain enhanced perception. You were powerful in the ancient magics, but your soul has been trapped in this boy's body."

"Lame," Dark Schneider said. "The only thing that would be lamer is if he had to do something like get splashed with water or get kissed by a virgin to change." He laughed, oblivious to the oppressive irony filling the arena.

Yugi put his hand on his hip in a slightly effeminate manner. "Fine, then. You and I will duel one-on-one."

"A Shadow Game, then," Abigail said. "To decide the match. We can use a mixture of our deck and our teammates'."

"Agreed," Yugi said.

"Alright, Yoog," Joey said happily as he handed his cards over. "It'll be like we're all fightin' wit' you!"

"Exactly," Dark Yugi agreed. "Except it will actually be me fighting alone."

Kaiba, Mai, and Bakura handed over their cards as well, and Abigail collected his own teammates' cards. Dark Schneider looked at Abigail's outstretched palm and shrugged. "What do you think I am, some kind of geek?"

"Well," Abigail said, "I need _some_thing."

"Hold on," the wizard growled and he turned around. After a moment of intense scribbling, he turned around and gave Abigail a small note card. The necromancer looked pensively at the drawing on it.

"You're serious?" Abigail asked. "This is a card game. You can't just make things up!"

"Just put it in your deck and shut up!" Dark Schneider said.

With that Yugi and Abigail entered the ring, which was now fitted with holographic generators. They drew their cards. Yugi summoned the Dark Magician Girl and then put two cards face down. Abigail dramatically slapped down his own card.

"I summon Naruto Uzumaki, Son Goku, and Anakin Skywalker to the field!" Abigail shouted.

The three looked around in confusion. Goku spoke up. "Hey, I'm not dead, anymore. Sweet!"

"Wait a minute!" Yugi objected. "You just summoned three monsters to the field!"

Naruto pouted. "H-hey… there's no need for name calling."

"Yeah, and so what?" Abigail asked.

"That's against the rules!" Yugi said.

"Screw the rules!" Abigail responded. "I have green hair!"

"I _like_ this guy," Kaiba said in his usual flat, constipated voice. "Go, Abigail."

"Shut up, Kaiba," Bakura said, leaping up and smacking him in the back of the head.

"Now I'll have my monsters attack!" Abigail announced.

"Ha!" Yugi said. "You just activated my trap card!" His facedown rose. "Traumatic Life Altering Event!"

Suddenly, Anakin became a paraplegic and burst into flames, Krillin rose into the air and exploded, and an emo kid with black pointy hair was randomly impaled with hundreds of needles. The three monsters collapsed to the ground—though in Anakin's case there wasn't much choice—in agony.

"This card paralyzes all attacking monsters for three turns so they can deal with their grief!" Yugi explained.

"Normally that would be the case!" Abigail said. "But all my monsters, much like you, have a hidden form that only emerges in certain conditions. All three of these, ironically enough, change with that very card."

"What an amazingly convenient coincidence that I would play the one card needed to display your cards' special abilities!" Yugi bellowed.

The dismembered and burned Anakin suddenly transformed into a black armored spook, while Naruto grew into a red furred fox, and Goku's hair turned blond.

"Now I place my SSJ Goku in defense. Darth Vader and Kyuubi attack Dark Magician Girl!"

"Oh, snap!" Yugi said in dismay as the two monsters ganged up on the girl, turning her to dust. "I'll always love you baby!" Growling, he fruitily flourished his cards. "Two can play at this game! I shall trust _in the heart of the cards_!"

"Oooh," Abigail said, rolling his eyes. "You're going to trust in your cards. That's going to stack the odds in your favor."

"I summon Bruce Banner, Jio, and Daisuke Niwa!" Yugi said. "And I also play the magic cards Berserker Rage, Jekyll and Hyde, and Hot Babe, which respectively turn my monsters into The Incredible Hulk, Satan, and Dark Mousy!"

Mr. Satan looked around the field and then at the boomerang in his hand. "Wh… what the HFIL? Why do I keep getting dragged into this?"

"Hulk!" Yugi said. "Attack his Kyuubi! Satan! Attack Vader!"

The green goliath leveled a mighty punch at the nine tailed fox, causing it to disintegrate. Mr. Satan hefted the boomerang unsurely and then tossed it at Darth Vader. Vader's lightsaber flicked up, slicing the boomerang in two.

"H-hey," Yugi said. "That's a practical use of your monster's tools rather than a simple application of mathematics. It just doesn't make any sense!" Yugi turned to the black winged, dark haired bishounen. "Dark Mousy! Steal Darth Vader's lightsaber and stab his asthmatic ass!"

"Noooo!" Abigail said as the phantom thief did just that. "Curse you, Dark!"

"What?!" Dark Schneider said irately.

"Now I have to play your stupid made up card, that's what!" Abigail said, slapping his hand down. "In facedown mode. Then I put Goku in attack mode and play Renzoku Energy Dan."

Goku leaped into the air and began to rain energy down on Satan and Dark Mousy, destroying them both.

"Now I'll have Goku attack your life points directly!" Abigail announced.

"Hold it!" Yugi said, pointing dramatically. He slammed his hands on his podium and shook his head. "There's one piece of evidence you've forgotten. I still have one face down card on the field!"

Abigail gasped. "It can't be!"

The card flipped up and suddenly a large bright sphere appeared in the sky. Goku looked into the sky and gasped. "A… a moon!" He laughed. "Yes! Perfect! Now I shall transform!" Suddenly, his chest burst out of his shirt and he grew to become a gigantic fair haired monkey.

"Objection!" Yugi protested, pointing into the sky. "That's no moon."

Abigail looked up and realized that the moon doesn't have a giant perfectly round crater and also isn't metal. "Crap. No take backs! Attack that fatal satellite!"

Golden Oozaru unleashed a fearsome beam of energy at the space station.

"I play Endor Shield Generator!" Yugi said quick as an auctioneer.

"Hey, that's against the—"

"Screw! Rules! Money!" Kaiba shouted.

The beam of energy collided with the shield that sprang up. Golden Oozaru thrashed in rage.

"Now it's my turn," Yugi said. He tossed down a card and suddenly a curly haired Chinese guy materialized on the field. "And now I play cold bucket of water!" A bucket of water appeared over the man's head and splashed down on him. His body contorted into that of a yeti, bursting out of his shirt, and his head became bull-like. Tentacles sprouted from his back and an electric eel became his tail while crane's wings spread from his shoulder blades.

"Pantyhose!" Ranma shouted.

"Yes, Ranma," Akane sighed as she rolled her eyes. "Thanks for getting my spares, but you don't have to announce it to the whole arena." She ran to the women's locker room to change, muttering about runs."

"Oh, hey, now that I'm back, I see that Pantyhose Taro is fighting a giant gold monkey while a Death Star is floating in the sky for some reason."

"I play the Brutes Ray!" Abigail shouted.

"Hey, did he just play a card on that other guy's turn? Isn't that against the…?" Ranma began.

"We've covered it," Yusuke deadpanned.

"My Golden Oozaru's attack is only a little lower than the Death Star's defenses with the shield in place, so transforming him into SSJ4 Goku should surely…"

A shirtless furry figure with red fur and long black hair stood in the ring now, Golden Oozaru's attack and defense points clearly displayed. Suddenly the numbers adjusted to his new form, plummeting to a level below even his normal form. "Hey!" Goku said angrily. What the Hell is this? I could blow up a planet with my power before! With this I'll have trouble lifting a truck!"

"Death Star!" Yugi shouted. "Obliterate!"

The Death Star charged its laser as Ginyu in Goku's body shivered with terror at his fate. "Wait a minute," he said. "I can just… CHANGE NOW!" he opened his mouth and a beam shot out. Yugi dodged out of the way and it struck his white haired, ring wearing compatriot. Dark Bakura's spirit and Ginyu's switched places in an instant. "Oh, bugger," Goku said as the Death Star's laser fired, disintegrating him utterly.

"Finally!" Ginyu Bakura crowed. "I'm in a young, virile body again!"

"I'll say," Kaiba said, winking seductively.

"Shut up, Kaiba!" Ginyu Bakura said, smacking him on the back of the head.

"Well, there's no actual change in the status quo," Joey said. "So let's pretend like nothing's different."

Yugi laughed. "Now you're finished! Pantyhose Taro has more than enough attack points to take you down. Attack!"

Pantyhose charged Abigail, but midway there the green haired wizard laughed. "You forget. I have a facedown card." The card raised and suddenly an iron fist met Pantyhose's, and the beast found itself torn to pieces.

"No freaking way!" Ranma said, horrified. "It's inarguably the greatest fighter of all time!"

"There's no way even I could stand up to that!" Yusuke said.

"What's so great about some bearded white guy?" Ryouko asked.

The entire audience turned toward her in disbelief. Was it possible that this alien who had been imprisoned underground for 700 years could never have heard about Chuck Norris?

"Ohhhh!" Ryouko said. "Chuck _Norris_! Yeah, of course I heard about him."

"By Ra's eye!" Yugi said. "The one man who could beat me at a children's card game thousands of years ago!"

"Now, Chuck Norris!" Abigail shouted. "Destroy that space station!"

Chuck raised his chin defiantly. A photon torpedo suddenly shot out of his thick, manly beard and made a beeline to a small exhaust port in the station where it entered the shaft and traveled all the way to the reactor, where it exploded and caused a chain reaction that blew the Death Star to pieces. Said pieces then rained down on Yugi's podium, crushing him and reducing his Life Points to zero. "And you should see me shoot wamp rats," Chuck said before vanishing with the other holograms.

Yugi twitched on the other side of the ring. "How… does a hologram… hurt so much?"

"Hey, just be glad you weren't on Endor," Abigail said with a shrug.

- - -

"Well, this is it," Yusuke said to Team Budokai as they congregated in the locker rooms. "The finals are about to begin, and we'll have to take on that crazy team of sorcerers."

"I say we do this one-on-one," Ranma said. "I want to take that Schneider guy down."

Akane piped in, "You know, Ranma, it might be better to do endurance matches." She glanced at Mr. Satan, who was now filling in for Gene Starwind. "I mean… some of us are stronger than others."

Ryouko cracked her knuckles and laughed. "Yeah, but then I'd just do 'em all in myself."

"More like you'd do 'em all yourself," Akane said with a grin.

"That only happened once," Ryouko sulked. "I was drunk. I'm pretty sure that counts as gang rape."

"Okay, let's not go any further with that," Yusuke said quickly.

Mr. Satan grasped his stomach. "Ohhh, being magically transported into a children's card game and then disintegrated has given me an upset stomach."

"Lame!" Ranma said. "Try being sexed up by a bunch of goddesses before your match, one of whom turns into a giant guy's head."

"I think we need to talk, Ranma," Akane said, a glowing energy mallet materializing in her hand.

"Team Budoukai," a new voice said. The team turned to see Ryu from Team Akuma. "You did well defeating Gouki and those of us under the influence of the Dark Hadou. However, Team Darushe is more powerful than we were."

"Um…" Ranma said. "Why are you here? Aren't you evil?"

"I was Evil Ryu under the influence of the Dark Hadou," Ryu agreed. "But my soul has now been purified. All it took was my fake brother and plenty of Chun Li pelvis."

"That's too much info, buddy," Yusuke said.

"Listen," Ryu said. "I came to warn you. You will all have to do much better than you have been to defeat Dark Schneider and his warlords."

"So…" Ranma said. "How is that going to help us? It's minutes before the final match."

"Uh…" Ryu said. "I brought some Deus ex machi—I mean, some friends."

Several familiar figures shuffled in. There was a mustachioed plumber in green, a fat child dressed for winter, another child in a baseball cap, a long haired knight, a short haired schoolgirl, and a long coat would-be badass if he didn't play children's card games.

"Someone from every team both we and Team Darushe has faced, huh?" Ranma said. "Um… what about Team Darushe's opponents from the quarter finals?"

"Come to think of it, we totally picnicked through that match," Ryouko observed.

"Um…" Ryu said. "There's still… one of them left." He gestured to the door where something wheeled in. It was presumably a man. The machine he was hooked up to beeped in greetings. "He… ah… _was_ the leader of the Zyurangers."

"Oooh…" Ranma said.

The disfigured quadriplegic began to beep rapidly.

"Is he beeping Morse code?" Akane asked.

"Tell him to stop it," Yusuke said. "None of us know it."

"We all have something for you," Ryu said.

"As long as you keep your pants on," said Ranma.

"Speak for yourself," Ryouko said with a smirk. "Besides, the author isn't wearing any pants."

"Buddha help us," Ranma said completely unnecessarily as the author looked damn good writing in the buff.

Luigi stepped up to Akane bashfully and held up a pale blue flower, looking away with a blush. "Here-a. This is-a for you-a."

"Oh," Akane said with a shy smile. "Thank you. No one's ever given me flowers before."

"What about Kuno?" Ranma asked.

Akane scowled and grabbed the flower. She looked at it quizzically. "So… is this supposed to help me in the match or are you just confessing?"

"Can't it-a be both?" Luigi asked.

"Okay, buddy," Ranma said, gently but insistently prodding the plumber. "That's enough of that."

The quadriplegic rolled up to Ranma and beeped. A red beam came from his light and engulfed Ranma momentarily. When the light faded Ranma found himself… exactly the same. "Was that supposed to do something?"

"He's given you the last of his power," Ryu said. "When you need it you will be able to call upon it."

Kaiba walked up to Yusuke and handed him a card. "What's this?" Yusuke asked. "A card with a dragon?"

"Trust me," Kaiba said. "My mission in life is to make children's card games as lethal as possible."

"I have something for you," Ami Mizuno of the Sailor Scouts said to Ryouko.

The demon woman looked quizzically at the girl. "A box of thin mints?"

"Well, we do need to raise money for our war on evil," Ami said. "But actually I meant this," she held out a pen.

"Oh, wow," Ryouko said. "A novelty pen. Great."

"It's… it's a bit more than that," Ami said. "Listen, just take the damned pen."

The cat eyed woman did just that, cocking an eyebrow. "I really would not have expected you to have such a mouth on you. You've been hanging out with Pimp T way too long."

"I don't do it for the money," Ami said shyly, blushing. "I do it 'cause I confuse being used as a sex object with being loved. My father left us when I was little, you know."

"Well, thanks for reinforcing a stereotype," Ryouko said glumly as she grabbed the pen. "_I_ confuse the two all the time, too, but _I_ never had any abandonment issues," said the 5,000 year old orphan who was mind controlled by a sadistic criminal for 4,300 years and trapped alone in a cave for 700.

"That brings us to you," Ryu said, looking straight at Mr. Satan.

"Uh…" the wrestling champion said. "That's… that's okay, really. I have this horrible migraine right now…"

"It's about to get worse," Ryu said, a ball of light appearing in his hands.

"You're the most revered wrestler in the entire Federation," Kevin Mask said, holding up a lantern. "Though you've never competed in our league, I'm sure you'll have no problem unlocking your Choujin power with this."

Ness squeaked something and waved his bat around.

"You're my freaking hero, man," the child who had once been Bulrog said.

"Now," Ryu said, grabbing Mr. Satan by the shoulder. "A normal martial artist with little ki training would die almost instantly if this technique was performed on him, but I'm sure it will be no problem for you. I'm going to implant you with the essence of the Hadou." He thrust the bright ball of light into Mr. Satan's gut, causing him to scream in pain.

"This lantern will help you visualize your progress as you travel down your path to become a Choujin," Kevin Mask said, placing the lantern into the cold, shivering hands of the prone champion.

Ness squeed and gave Mr. Satan the bat. He was, Dear Readers, a bit of a cheapskate when it came to bestowing gifts.

"For my gift," Eric Cartman, a.k.a. Bulrog, said. "You will have… imaginaaa~ation… ima~aagination… ima…" He went on singing like this for awhile, to the pain and horror of all present. Thankfully, the author can skip over this dribble as easily as the cool stuff.

"What, that's it?" Ranma asked. "Kind of a lame gift. 'Imagination'? I don't get it."

"You wouldn't," Akane said.

"I think Satan's having a seizure," Ryouko commented.

"Lemme through, lemme through," someone said, pushing through the crowd of fighters. "Dammit, I'm a doctor; not some starstruck fan." A old man with a blue shirt knelt next to the twitching afroed man, scanning him with a strange device. "My God! Who overstimulated this man's biometric field? It's a miracle he's not dead already!"

"My bad," Ryu said.

"Never mind," the doctor said. "I stabilized him already. But, whatever you do, don't let him participate in any climactic final battles for the fate of mankind for the next 24 hours…" He looked around and the fighters had already left. He rolled his eyes and pulled out his communicator. "Alright Jim, mission accomplished. He should survive to save the timeline."

He heard feminine giggling and squealing on the other end of the line. "Oh, Jim, you're so good."

"I never knew Vulcans could be so passionate…"

"Eh… Sulu, I'm using Rand's wagina right now, so…"

"Oh, hey Bones," Jim's voice said. "Don't mind us. Admiral Asahina was just finishing her debriefing."

Bones frowned and flipped the communicator shut. "Fff*$ my life."

- - -

"Ryouko versus Abigail, bitches!" the Bob announced.

"I'm going to enjoy finishing you," Abigail said, his hair gold in the front, dark red in the back hair blowing in the wind. "Oh, thanks for giving me your stylist by the way, Yugi," he said to his former opponent at ringside.

"I'm going to knock the hairdye right out of you," Ryouko threatened.

"Heh…" Abigail said. "We'll see about that. I'm the greatest necromancer of all time. You have no hope."

"Is that right?" Ryouko said. "Well, there's a reason I'm called the Devil Caller." She raised her hand and wisps of white smoke rose from the ground and began to coagulate. Between the two fighters a humanoid ghost began to coagulate.

"So!" Abigail smirked. "You're familiar with the necrotic arts as well?"

"That's right!" Ryouko said proudly. "I—"

"Hi, guys!" the ghost said happily. It was a bald, translucent white ghost whose smile was bright and uplifting. "I'm Casper. Wanna play?"

"Um…" Ryouko said nervously. "Kill?"

"Oh, no," Casper said. "I'm a _friendly_ ghost."

"Aw crap," Ryouko said. "Gem. Right wrist."

Abigail's smirk grew wider. "So you can't control the spirits you summon without another of those gems, eh? Well, unfortunately for you, I don't need such a trifling item!" Abigail began to chant ominously and Casper suddenly screamed in shock. His eyes began to glow red and he grew in size, becoming a twisted version of what he once was.

"What's more," Abigail said. "I can summon more…" Bugs and a ghostly burlap sack rose from the ground as well a black smoke. "Now… Casper, Oogie Boogie, Hexxus… attack!"

The three ghosts launched themselves after the space pirate, who flew into the sky, blasting energy beams behind her. Oogie Boogie managed to leap onto her first, laughing madly and wishing her Christmas greetings for some reason. She blasted him mercilessly, tearing the burlap shirt-area, which also caused his bugs to pour out. Hexxus grabbed her next, burning her skin with his acidic hands.

"I'm gonna give you some of my toxic love, baby," he growled.

Ryouko considered this for a moment. "N… no, on second thought that would probably be painful. I don't need to get a yeast infection or anything." She blasted him over and over again, but he kept reforming. The monstrous Casper also grabbed her, and they dragged her to the ground, pinning her.

"Ryouko!" Ami shouted. "Use the pen!"

"What am I gonna do?" Ryouko shouted. "Ask them to cut me a check for the astral nookie?" Regardless, she grabbed the pen in her hand and held it high. It began to glow and a mark appeared on her forehead. Her body was enveloped in light and her clothes tore apart.

"This makes it easier," Hexxus said. "I'm getting a special kind of hawny."

Strange red and black ribbons wrapped themselves around Ryouko next, becoming clothes somehow.

"Aww," Hexxus said.

Energy burst forth from the demon woman, and the two ghosts leaped back. "I'm not just Ryouko anymore," the black and red sailor suited woman said. "You can call me Sailor Mass!" The red jewel on Ryouko's chest began to glow and white smoke once again began to coagulate into a humanoid. "This transformation has increased my own natural powers and the power of my gem. Now I can summon powerful spirits and control them as well!"

A violet haired apparition now stood in the center of the ring wearing a Capsule Corp. jacket and sword.

"H-hey," Mirai no Trunks said from the audience. "That… that's me, isn't it?"

The Trunks in the ring seemed to hear and said, "I'm the Trunks of the original timeline. The one who went back in time and helped to defeat the androids. I was killed by Cell in the future while trying to return to tell Goku and the others of my victory over the androids in my time. My spirit was trapped in Cell's body when he came back in time to create this timeline and was only released when he died."

"He's… he's like… Trunks Prime!" Mirai no Trunks said.

"He's more like Dead Trunks," Ryouko said. "In any case, I summoned you so could you destroy these guys for me?"

"Oh…" Dead Trunks said. "Sure." Casper and Hexxus converged on him and with a flash of light, he dissipated the apparitions.

"No freaking way," Abigail said. "No matter. I can just summon more!" He began to chant and undead creatures began to rise from the ground. A melty faced guy with a cool hat, a big guy with a hockey mask, some kind of corpse bride, a floaty haired dead woman who looked like she was holding a huge grudge, man with nails in his skull, a wolf man, a large patchwork person, a creepy woman with buttons for eyes, a black man who seemed to be a spider and a manspider all at the same time, a skeletal crypt keeper, and many more all rose at Abigail's command and converged on Sailor Mass and her ghostly guardian.

Dead Trunks plowed through the ghosts and undead, slashing a group of creepy blond kids into pieces here and kicking a dead Iraqi leader in the balls there. He finally dispatched the last of them, a black and white masked man with a really useful red cape, and now he held his ghostly sword to Abigail's neck.

"Very impressive…" Abigail said. "But I still have… _Amidamaru_!" He surged with power and the samurai spirit possessed him. He now held an ethereal sword and crossed spiritual blades with Dead Trunks. The samurai spirit and deceased Saiyan went full on Flint style, spinning and uselessly flailing their weapons as never before. Finally, having established their skill at looking good, they simultaneously went for the death blow, passing each other as they slashed.

Dead Trunks gasped as his ectoplasmic form began to break apart from the cut. "You… you got me." He smirked. "But I'm not going alone."

Abigail's eyes were wide as he felt the spirit of Amidamaru slip away. Dead Trunks' blade had struck true as well, severing the tie between himself and the deceased samurai who had been guiding his hand. Now both spirits were more than dead. "But I'm still alive…" he said.

"Yeah?" Ryouko said. "Well, so am I. And I can do more than summon the dead." She twirled around and launched a red ball of energy at the necromancer.

"Oh…" Abigail said as the attack hit him, burning his shirt from his torso mercilessly. Even the very dye from his hair was burned from his roots. He fell outside the ring unconscious.

"Ryouko wins!" Juri announced proudly. "Yeah, that's right. Chicks totally rule and this guy, at least, drools."

"Next match is Arshes-Nei versus Ryou—er—Sailor Mass!" Bob said.

"The Queen of Lightning won't go down so easily," she said. "I swear on the grave of my grandfather, I shall defeat you!"

"It is illogical to bring me into this," a pointy eared man in a blue shirt said as he studied a scientific scanner.

"Shut up," Arshes-Nei said. "You're supposed to be dead… or… not born for, like, 200 years. Either way…"

"Bring it," Sailor Mass said.

"Consider it brought," the dark skinned elven woman said. "I fight for my love!" Electricity crackled menacingly from her body.

Sailor Mass summoned an energy blade and she flew toward Arshes-Nei. The elf blocked with her dagger charged with power. They struck against each other back and forth, neither gaining ground initially. Sailor Mass dodged under the elf's dagger and grabbed her in a bear hug. She began to squeeze, mashing the elf's massive breasts into her face, driving the men of the audience wild.

"I don't like where this is going…" Akane said nervously, eyeing the lascivious gazes of the male audience.

Arshes-Nei blasted Sailor Mass with a lightning spell, forcing her to let go. She pumped electricity into the demon's body, eliciting a cry of joy from the catty woman. "Oh, yes, do it to me! More!

"You whore!" Ayeka cried. "That was our special—" she stopped suddenly, and glanced surreptitiously at Tenchi and her little sister respectively. "Um… I mean… isn't it weird how she likes things like that? BDSM is so weird."

The elf woman stopped her attacks as soon as it became obvious that the demon wasn't bothered by it as she should be. Sailor Mass rose to her feet and pouted. "Aw, I was so close, too…" Then she smirked and red energy formed in her palm. "Guess I'll have to return the favor." She blasted the energy at her opponent in a fierce barrage tearing the cloth from her ample bosom.

The crowd went wild.

"That's it!" Arshes-Nei growled. "You're going down." She leaped into the air, bringing her left breast down onto Sailor Mass's face.

"Oh, wow!" Juri said excitedly. "Mass just got hit with the Booby Hammer Strike!"

"Sailor Mass is countering with a Mammary Side Slap… oh, she just went for the double!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, I've never seen a more skilled use of a woman's naughty parts," Juri said, fanning herself. "Arshes-Nei's Nipple Drill is flawless!"

"Oh, and Mass just resorted to the Clam Strike!" Bob said with horror and fascination. "That would never have been allowed under normal Budoukai rules."

"And that's why your tournament is lame," Juri commented. "O-oh! Mass's hand is trapped! Looks like Arshes clammed up before she could steal her pearl."

"Wow, these euphemisms are getting complicated," Bob said.

"You know," Yusuke said. "I've prayed for this day for most of my pubescent life. Now that I've seen it…"

"Yeah, it's not quite what you expected, is it?" Ranma said.

Tenchi chimed in. "This has been my life for the past year. It kind of makes you want to bat for the other team, doesn't it?"

"Fool!" Arshes-Nei said. "You thought hitting me _there_ would hurt me? After a century with Dark Schneider, I can handle anything." She twisted her pelvis, pulling Sailor Mass forward. She grabbed the demon Sailor Scout by the hair and raised her fist. On her fist was what looked like brass knuckles, but two horns protruded from them.

"Hey… that looks familiar," Ranma noted.

A wrestler with two horns protruding from his head popped up. "That's right. I wanted to make that sweet babe horny, so I gave her my two Diks."

"Whoa, dood," Yusuke said. "That's… just wrong."

In the ring, Arshes-Nei pierced Sailor Mass with Dik-Dik's… "Diks"… and the demon Scout screamed. "Is it my birthday?"

"Ha! You may be strong enough that my lightning attacks merely… tickle… you, but I bet once I get past the skin…" Arshes-Nei channeled her lightning through the horns and deep into Sailor Mass's core, working her abs much better than ordinary crunches or sit-ups, but also mercilessly frying her internal organs. She screamed and collapsed to the ground.

The announcers counted to ten and the match was over. Ryouko, now powered down from her Sailor Mass form, was curled in a fetal position. Arshes-Nei walked past and the space pirate grabbed her ankle. "Hey…" she said. "We should… grab some lunch sometime."

"…" Arshes-Nei said. "I think we should see other people."

"Hey, Ma…" Ryouko said to Washuu, who was at ringside. "Could you get me some fresh underwear…?"

"Next match is another babe brawl!" Bob said.

"Ignoring that offensive terminology," Juri said. "It's Arshes-Nei vs. Akane!"

"Hey, bitch," Akane said with a smirk as she stepped into the ring. "I wore a bra."

to be continued...

_______________________________________________________________________  
Next up, Akane goes badass. Thankfully, we can all tell where her ass is, now, and thus avoid it. Don't worry, there's only, like, seven more fights to go and the tournament saga is wrapped. I promise no more pervy jokes… at least… not for the next chapter. Probably.


End file.
